One of the reasons I loved Miniatura was that I knew, once it was finished, I’d have to get on with moving my mother into a home.
It is such an oxymoron, isn’t it? A home that is a home for no one but a workplace for many, where the residents are eventually going to exit in a box. I don’t know about the papers where you are but here they have been full of horror stories about cruelty to the elderly in homes, about at-home care workers stealing from the people they are there to look after, about people left for hours desperate to go to the toilet, about poor food, inadequate heating, wipe-clean plastic chairs and floors and the all-pervading pong of ancient wee. It almost makes you want to stick your head in the oven the minute you turn sixty, even if it’s electric so you can singe your hair a bit and get some sympathy.
What is to be done?
If you’ve been paying attention for the last four years I’ve been writing this dementia blog, you have already guessed the answer, or at least my answer. It’s the whole reason for the blog in the first place.
Research. Research, swotting, investigation, asking questions, asking different questions, asking someone else, reading, listening, finding out. Looking at all the possibilities and eliminating them one by one until you are left with the best possible solution for your family member who needs residential care.
I did this years ago while my father was still alive and have continued throughout my mother’s illness.
There are several places to begin. You’re sitting looking at one right now. The Internet has more information than you could ever want but, of course, you are going to be suspicious of all of it, especially information that is advertising. You’re going to look for reviews posted by users of the service you wish to access, you’re going to have a look at all the information your search engine throws up, or at least a lingering glance until you’ve spotted all the really negative comments. The next step is to look in other places. Most County Councils in the UK have lists of council-approved facilities. Wherever you are, there will be some sort of approved list of places that pass certain standards. Then go to the library and ask them. Then ask around friends and acquaintances, especially anyone who has had more than one relative in the same place. Then ask the agencies, first the government ones such as Social Services, then the independent ones, such as those that advertise in newspapers, then the charities.
Then cross reference. Eliminate any that appear once, have no track record or have risen without trace. Eliminate any that are too cheap to be true and any that are wildly out of your price bracket. By this time you might be down to a,list of about ten. Now start phoning with a list of questions. I immediately eliminated any where I was listening to the dialling tone for over ten minutes or any that went to answer-phone; if they can’t even manage to answer the phone how can they be expected to look after your person or give you information on their condition?
Then you start with the list of questions specific to your relative. Top of the list are the special needs: Can they deal with…….. What if this subsequently happens to your person, what if that happens? What if the money runs out? Listen to the answers and the manner in which they are given. If the respondent is impatient with you, how are they going to be with your difficult elderly relative?
I think you’ll find, as I did, that there is very little difficulty choosing the ones to go and have a look at, The unsuitable ones eliminate themselves quickly.
And so it came to pass that last Wednesday we took my mother to look at a care home.
It is a charity. Residents pay £850 per week but, as the organisation is a registered charity, all the money is used to pay for the outgoings incurred in the care of each resident; the home is not allowed to make a profit. The fees do not vary with high days and holidays which means they can be paid by direct debit. This is an immense relief to me that I am able to automate payment; if something happened to me the payments would continue and my mother would continue to be cared for. I estimate the sale of her house would raise enough money to keep her there until she is 100, after which she would be classed as a long-term resident and kept on for free. She will have a sitting room, a bedroom and a little en-suite. There are one and half workers for every resident. My mother can take her own furniture and choose the colours of her walls and carpet. There are activities, facilities, proper dining rooms, nice menus. There’s a microwave about two steps from her room to microwave her slippers and heating pads. There’s resident physiotherapy and every kind of aid and help to living and moving you could wish for. There are lovely gardens in which we saw residents taking walks. There are sitting rooms for visitors. She can have a telephone in her room, the only item that incurs an extra charge. The showers are wet rooms and there are guide rails everywhere; in about five minutes my mother was striding out more confidently than I have seen her for months.
Since we visited I would describe my mother’s emotions as mixed. She rang this morning early, upset but was assured and is, above all things, grateful that no matter what happens she will have a roof over her head and all the help she needs for the rest of her life. She did say that it wasn’t a case of Thank God as much as Thank Jane and she said that several times, so I think there is a possibility I may have got it right.
Since Wednesday I have talked several times to the manager of the home, she always seems to have time to talk. I have, throughout the care of my mother taken however much time it takes, to talk to her carers and to listen to them because I think this is the other cornerstone of care for families. Once you’ve done the research be as high vis as a yellow jacket. Let the carers know you care about your relative, make yourself available to answer questions, give good information that helps with the care of your relative, open the dialogue and keep it open. Be a co-carer with whatever agency you choose to help.
In the main I have been impressed with the people I have met who work in the care industry. They really do care. Let them help you, help them to help you and together get the best outcome for your relative. And then hope that your children are watching to see what to do, so that, in the fullness of time your good example will bear fruit and you will get the same level of care yourself when you are decrepit and creaking.
The manager of the home said that if anyone rings their bell in the middle of the night, they automatically go taking a cup of tea. I must give them my mother’s acceptable shades of tea colour chart and then everything will be just wonderful.
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Moving on.