I know blogs are various and frequently self-obsessed, well you know logs…………….
‘Captain’s log 2, 3 four and a half. I am absolutely sure Ensign Doe Eyes has a crush on me. Every time I expound my theories of the universe to her in the lift, she sighs and rolls her eyes. Yesterday when I was explaining the Crab Nebula to her, she was yawning uncontrollably, a sure sign of overwhelming desire to those of us highly trained in the significance of body language. I am of course, because of the course at Asteroid Academy, which I designed. I am also the only human who passed the Kobyashi Who Who test, which is impossible to pass, I simply stepped out of the testing booth and strangled the examiner. That showed them. I must get more mirrors installed in this lift, though none on the ceiling in case my heroically thinning scalp where my huge brain is growing through my impressively parting hair, is in any way highlighted. It amazes me that all this time I have been talking and thinking about two different things. I wish I were Ensign Doe Eyes so I could listen to me. She stares at her feet, poor creature, overwhelmed by my sheer physical presence and sometimes, when I throw out a particularly apt comment, laughs in sheer delight.’
However the blog about my fingernails, which I hope the chaps at SETI are picking up and beaming out to the universe is this: although I have now filed the dangerous nails down, I took pictures first thing this morning.
Here are the nails of my left hand, same as ever, not much different to the way they were this time last week.
here is my right hand this morning. Yes, I know, the little fingernail alone could have its own blog or show on Broadway or possible even a live UTube feed where we can all watch it grow.
It’s growing out of the nail varnish, unlike the table underneath which could really do with some. Anyway, it stands as a tribute to the incredible human body.
I saw my neighbour, the surgeon of bones yesterday, in a neighbourly capacity but he said the nails and skin were healing differently to the bones. What made the break so bad was the the bone had delaminated along the shaft and spread out like the ribs of a fan. The surgeon who did the operation would normally attempt to screw the bits to the inserted rod but in my case he has lassoed the thin feathery bits with stitches. They will take another Xray in a couple of weeks and see what has happened.
If you were ever tempted to starve yourself please don’t, it was done to me and this is the upshot. We do not need to be thin and tall and weak, like seedlings grown in a cupboard, we need to be strong and confident, like the captain.
‘Hello Ambassador Splot. This is the first time humans and Flupiterians have met, so naturally they have sent me to be the ambassador from Earth. I am similar to many of my species, though not typical. Better. I have nicer hair. I see you are looking at what they call my face. It’s lovely, isn’t it?’
‘Snar loij felt smale’
‘I have no idea what you are saying as the universal translator is jammed. I got hairspray on it which is someone else’s fault. I’m quite sure you are licking your lips in what I take to be admiration. Yes you are because now you are licking me. I am quite irresistible aren’t I?’
‘Even though you obviously adore me, and why not, I think sucking my fingers like that is a little overdone, good gracious, up to the elbow, oh wait a’
This is the last entry in the log of this particular captain. The electronic log book was found by Voyager, hurtling through space having apparently been spat out by a black hole.
Somewhere between not being very confident at all and giving the captain the finger is the ideal place to be.
If you can do that you’ve got it nailed.