Welcome – and you are, ever so very, to the final dollops of Knickerbocker Glory, the ice cream dessert I dished up to the radio, who dished it back again, melted and dusty. As I sit here with the jelly sprinkles running down the side of my nose and cherries decorating what I laughingly call my hairstyle, I reflect – mostly in shop windows, which are wide enough – how their loss is your gain. How likely is it that the underpaid unsolicited-scripts lackey ever got as far as me piece of resistance? Highly unlikely is what. Skyscraper unlikely. Stratospherically not very possible at all much. Apart from me, you are almost certainly the only person whose eyes have ever set foot on my piece of resistance.
It’s hard to say who I love the most, my rubbish spoof detective or his thicker-than-clotted-cream sidekick. I treasure their stupidity. I hope you will too.
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The Village of the Dim.
The growing villagers.
Rural music, birdsong.
Ethereal voice And as the harsh light of eleven o’ clock in the morning
changes to the only a bit harsher light of ten past
eleven, winds variable, mainly easterly, rain later,
welcome to the
FX Da Da Da!
Ethereal voice Village of the Dim, where the great detective,
Millennium Domes and his sidekick, Watsup, are about
to unravel a mystery.
Domes So, explain again, Watsup, what exactly are we doing
here?
Watsup Well Domes, we have come to the
FX Da Da Da!
Watsup Village of the Dim, not just because my Auntie lives
here but because I received a strange letter from my
cousin who lives with her, because she is her daughter
you know. I don’t mean my Auntie is my cousin’s
daughter, I mean my cousin’s mother is my Aunt.
Domes That is the usual arrangement, Watsup. Refresh me
on the letter, will you?
Watsup Is it by Jove, Domes? How knowledgeable you are
on these matters.
Domes The letter, Watsup, the letter.
Watsup Well, it’s rectangular, it came in an envelope with a
stamp on it, it was addressed to me……
Domes The contents, Watsup, the contents.
Watsup Entirely words, Domes.
Domes As I expected, Watsup, and what information was
conveyed by the words?
Watsup In a nutshell, Domes, the people of the village appear
to be growing. Growing mysteriously and very rapidly.
Domes And yet, Watsup, none of those we see about us seem
abnormally large. Perhaps we could ask this honest
road sweeper here and see what he has to say.
Watsup It’ll be words, Domes, I’ll lay a wager on it.
Domes Good day, honest road sweeper, I wonder if I might
trouble you?
Road sweeper Oh ding fang riddle I lemon drop. Mind your feet.
Watsup I wonder if I may intercede, Domes?
Domes By all means, Watsup, you are native to these parts.
Watsup Right, sweeper fellow, this gentleman here is
Millennium Domes, the great detective and he wants to
ask you some questions.
Road sweeper Oo aar.
Domes Have you noticed yourself growing, at all?
Road sweeper A tall what?
Watsup What Mr. Domes means, is have you noticed yourself
growing a bit?
Road sweeper A bit of what?
Domes I fear we are wasting our time, Watsup. Can you direct
us to the Post Office, my good fellow?
Road sweeper No.
Watsup Isn’t that it, over there, Domes? The shop with the sign
that says:
FX Da Da Da!
Watsup Village of the Dim Post Office.
Domes Well done, Watsup. First class.
Watsup Stamp, Domes?
Domes No, detecting, Watsup. Here we are.
Tinkly shop bell.
Domes Ah, good day, postmistress. I wonder if you could help
us?
Postmistress Only until twelve, then it’s half day closing and I shall
put the sign up.
Domes Some things are the same the world over, Watsup.
Could you tell me, good woman, have you noticed
yourself growing?
Postmistress I don’t know what business it is of yours.
Watsup Perhaps I should introduce my friend. This is
Millennium Domes, the great detective.
Postmistress In that case I can tell you I am growing in a number of
areas.
Domes Would you care to enlarge, Madam?
Postmistress No thank you, I’m big enough already.
Domes I meant enlarge upon which bits of you are growing.
Postmistress Oh I see. Well, mainly my arms. This jumper, see,
fitted me perfectly last week but now, look, it doesn’t
even cover my wrists.
Watsup Good gracious, Domes, the postmistresses arms seem
to have grown three inches in a week!
Domes Thank you, Madam, we will investigate further.
Postmistress Not now, I’ve got a tempting plate of soup on a stick
getting colder by the minute. This window is closed.
Domes Let us return to the street, Watsup.
Tinkly shop bell.
Watsup Perhaps we could ask that very tall little boy in the
shorts and outgrown jacket, who is carrying a briefcase
and rolled up umbrella. Hello little boy. My goodness,
what a huge moustache!
Bank Manager For your information, I am not a little boy. I am the
Manager of the
FX Da Da Da!
Bank Manager Village of the Dim Bank and Mutual Society.
Watsup What is the world coming to, Domes, when the
Manager of the
FX Da Da Da!
Watsup Village of the Dim Bank and Mutual Society cannot
afford a suit that fits?
Bank Manager I can afford a suit that fits. It fitted perfectly last
week but now look at it. I am obviously growing
so fast that there is no point in buying another suit
until I have stopped growing. This free advice will
cost you fifteen pounds. Would you like to open a
variable rate savings account? You get a free plastic
biro and a huge sheaf of meaningless drivel on
numerous pieces of shiny paper. I am not the only
one growing. Look at old Mrs Looney over there.
She has grown so tall her skirt looks like a mini
skirt on her. You can see her legs sticking out like
two strings of chewing gum with varicose veins. It’s
horrible, I tell you, horrible. She could make the
market very nervous, walking round on legs like that.
Watsup (Aside) This poor fellow is worse than the rest of them
Domes. He is clearly totally potty.
Domes Oh, do you think so, Watsup? He sounds like a
perfectly normal bank manager to me. However,
I think I may have solved the mystery.
Watsup By Jove, Domes, you are an absolute marvel. What
can the solution be?
Domes The solution is very possibly well dissolved soap
powder, Watsup. Tell me, what did you notice that
Mrs. Looney, the Bank Manager and the postmistress
all had in common?
Watsup They had all grown out of their clothes, Domes.
Domes And what about the colour of the clothes, Watsup?
Watsup You mean the fact that they were all a sort of blotchy
pink, Domes?
Domes Exactly, Watsup and if I’m not mistaken the solution
will be found here in the
FX Da Da Da!
Domes Village of the Dim Chinese Laundry and Washerama.
Tinkly shop bell
Domes Good morning Madam, and you are?
Washer woman Mrs. On Won Hanger, washer woman. You dirty
them, I crean them.
Domes And have you been particularly busy lately, Mrs.
Hanger?
Washer woman Very busy lart week because of the mud festivar.
Domes Do you know about the mud festival, Watsup?
Watsup Yes, of course, Domes. I used to come and stay
with my Auntie specially for the festival. There’s
the mud pie competition, the mud sandcastle
competition and at the climax of the festivities the
entire population of the
FX Da Da Da!
Watsup Village of the Dim throw themselves in the village
pond.
Domes And then they bring their clothes to the Chinese
Laundry. And they were particularly muddy this
year, Mrs. Hanger, weren’t they? And someone
had just bought a new article of red clothing, had
they not?
Washer woman Mrs. Rooney had bought two pairs of new winter
drawers and hadn’t bothered to terr me.
Domes Exactly. So Mrs. Hanger put the clothes of the
entire
FX Da Da Da!
Domes Village of the Dim on a hot wash to get rid of the
mud stains and accidentally included two pairs
of brand new, red, non-colourfast bloomers.
Watsup Thus shrinking all the clothes and turning them
pink. Domes you are a genius!
Domes Well perhaps you would like to give the good
news to your Auntie, Watsup. Case closed.
Washer woman Reeve the case of closed on the counter. I wirr
wash them tomollow.
Washing machine turns to birdsong as we leave the
Da Da Da!
Village of the Dim - but we will be back, there’s another five of these if I can stand to type them and you can bear to read them.
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