What is this? Oh. I see. Slippers for the old lady is it? These will hurt my foot, the instep is too low. I have very aristocratic, tender feet. My old doctor used to say I have the feet of a Duchess, unfortunately I am not a Duchess or I wouldn’t need to walk. Not that I could walk in these, they would cripple me. Two steps and I would be flat on my back. No, give them back, I will keep them, they will make a nice present for someone else next year.
No thank you I do not want coffee, it will give me a headache. I would prefer sherry. The light stuff. Shall I open this while you are getting it or do you want the joy of watching me open it? What is it?
It’s very annoying having to wait. Someone should have thought of getting the sherry out sooner.
What size of glass do you call this?
No that’s far too big. The medium glasses are at the back of the cupboard. Just look, that’s what your eyes are for. Look! Well I’ll look. Well that’s strange. Oh I know. They’re in a box up in the loft.
Don’t be ridiculous! I haven’t got time for you to be poking around in the loft on Christmas morning. You should have thought of it sooner.
No I’ll have the wine glass.
Thank you, why is it not full?
No give it to me, you’re pouring it over the good tablecloth. I’ll drink some. There. That’s a better size. Why do I have to do everything myself?
I am opening it now. Oh how strange. What is the purpose of this?
Well I shall never get the hang of that. It’s no use buying gadgets for someone of my age. What I would like is some new washing up gloves.
Thank you. Chocolates. Hmm. That’s a bit ordinary. I suppose they’ll be extra energy in the winter. In the cold, when you’ve all gone home and left me alone. In the cold. I could force myself to eat them then.
Thank you. Oh rubber gloves, dear me, what sort of present is that? Are you expecting me to do the washing up alone in the kitchen at Christmas?
Thank you. Oh. A scarf. Well that would be practical if I had anything it would go with. Also grey is not a good colour for me. And It’s wool. It tickles and it will shrink.
Not wool? No I can’t read the label, the writing is minute. One hundred per cent polyester? I hope it was not expensive. It looks cheap. I remember Vera going into the sea in one of the first polyester swimsuits. The whole thing shrivelled up like a burst balloon the minute it came in contact with the sea water. I knew then that polyester was going to be a lot of rubbish. Thank you for the scarf.
What I was hoping for was bath cubes. They don’t seem to make them anymore. Not that I bathe in the bath. Not since I got stuck. Thank you. Oh Shower gel. Do you think I am dirty or something?
I have a gift for you. It was expensive. Here you are.
Yes not just paper finger napkins. Christmas paper finger napkins. There are sixteen of them, so they may do service for many many years to come.
Yes I do hope you will think of me every time you use them. If you have careful guests you can iron them and reuse them.
Do you need them all?
Good because I forget to get any. You put them on the table while I put the sprouts on. I need more sherry, this paltry glass appears to have evaporated.
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JaneLaverick.com – extraordinary joy to each and every reader with a particular thought for any one this festive season who has given up their holiday to care for someone else.