Reader’s queries.

In these dark days (though to be fair, really sunny here for a long time.  I think it’s the absence of pollution.  Maybe that’s why all those Edwardian childhoods, celebrated in children’s novels, had much better weather.  You know, before traffic and aeroplanes.)

Anyway, in these potentially dark days (the nights are a lot lighter too, have you noticed?  It’s starlight, wonderful, and the moon – huge!)

In these theoretically darkish, rain later, days and nights, readers have written asking for advice. In fact I have been inundated with a couple of emails definitely for me and some that seem to have got misdirected.

Well, you know me (and if you don’t, hello!). I am never shy about giving unwarranted advice.

A reader writes.

At the moment I am unable to visit my nail technician, my hairdresser and my dental hygienist, and my personal trainer and life coach cannot visit me.  I look in the mirror and see someone else look back at me.  Are you having the same problem and what can I do about it and can you give life coaching tips and have you any idea what I can do about my roots and the back of my thighs?

Dear reader,

We are all having the same problem, it’s a dose of unimpaired reality.  Have you had a good laugh at television stars lately? I have always hacked at my own hair with the kitchen scissors, so it doesn’t look much different.  I found a photograph of myself thirty years ago, before I had style or any idea how to dress; I appear to have anti-aged.  This is partly because I watched the OH settle down in front of the TV every night, with interruptions only to go and fetch a new snack, because he had eaten the previous one, and I determined not to do that.  So I have lost weight a little and my clothes are slack.  Also I have been out of doors as much as possible and I have a bit of a tan.  And, particularly in my case, the builders have departed, so I am no longer covered in a layer of brick dust. I strongly recommend enjoying yourself as you are.  Turn off the TV.  Read a book, preferably a heavy one that takes two hands to hold so that the capacity for snacking is limited.  You can get powder to spray on your roots and the back of your thighs can be improved by getting up occasionally.  Then sitting down, nearly, then getting up, then sitting down, nearly.  Do this for half an hour every evening just as you are about to have dinner.  Keep it up until your dinner has got so cold you no longer fancy it and the thigh problem will cure itself in a month or two.

Another reader writes

My boyfriend moved in with me at the start of lockdown.  We didn’t have time to get the WiFi connected, or get a router and we are both on furlough and couldn’t find anything much to do.  We haven’t been sitting in the evenings eating, yet I am still putting on weight, so much that I am having difficulty doing up any waistbands.  Also I keep licking the iron balcony railings, I have no idea why.  Can you help?

Dear reader

Now is the time to take up a new hobby.  Try knitting baby bootees.

Another reader writes

I am having a struggle with my grub screws, due to being unable to access new driver ends. Any tips?

Dear reader

Try them by hand with the end of a nail file.  Or, look online, our local DIY has a click and collect going on, it’s quite fast.

Yet another reader writes

Hi Geoff, have you any tips on pruning for Black Spot?  My roses are bad this year and the garden centres are shut and I have nothing to spray on them.

Dear reader, possibly of a different blog altogether;

Yes. prune back to a healthy side shoot as usual.  The weather has been unseasonably hot and dry, make sure all plants are well hydrated.  I am expecting very early greenfly, which can be remedied with a spray of very dilute washing-up water.  Squirt close up and aim to knock the blighters off, as well as saturate them.  Soon ladybird larvae, which are black and yellow bugs like small deformed caterpillars, will be plentiful and you will be saved because they eat greenfly.

Another, other, reader writes

We was hot and hard at it on top of the washing machine, when it suddenly went into stained linens rinse and spin and my partner fell off into the mop bucket, grazing an ankle, should we

Dear reader, definitely of some other blog,

Sorry to interrupt, but have you never heard of social distancing?

Dear regular reader,

I’m just off to check my blog settings, I’ll be back when the security is tightened right up.

Right up and a belt round it and a thick corset and hand-knitted, coarse, scratchy knee-high football socks……

Hoho!  So!  I knew you was

Absolutely not.  Back soon regular reader.


No, really, very sorry.  Go back to enjoying the moon and what-have-you.

As I was saying, in these dark days people make their own entertainment.  Paper crafting, flower arranging and reverse glass painting on old jam jars are recommended.*


*Nothing else.**

**Except making models of Blackpool Tower out of paperclips.  That’s OK.***

And walking.

Up and down a bit.  Primly****

****(Gvmt. approved recreation.)

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