My name is Elvis Smethwick and TO WHOM IT MAY CONSERN, as part of my student revolt, as I have not been given any of my demands, I plan to leak like a siv. This is only the begining. I kno stugh about everyone. I have been living here all my life and have kept my eyes open and my mouth shut UNTIL NOW. If I had gone to proper Universitty away from home IF THEYR’E HAD BEEN FUNDING I would not have knon anyone and there would be no leaks from me. YOU HAVE BRUOGHT THIS ON YOURSELVES.
First off Mr Pewtin is not the only one riding round on a hors with nothing on. (I do not mean the hors had nothing on, horsss always have nothing on. I’ts quite rude when you think about it. So do cats and dogs, except they have fur. Fish have nothing on at all and snakes especailly have nothing on.) Anyway, it was Mr Pewtin who had nothing on, not the hors. Well really he did, he had trousers on. But no teeshirt. Also no jackit. No vest, not even a string one. (Agian, Mr Pewtin not the hors.) I assume (a uni word, I would kno more of them with funding. Or a dictoinary.) he had shoes, they both did. I assume. But horsss canott take theyr’s of, they do not sit down at the end of a long day and go ‘Oh my dogs are barking, fetch the washing up bowl with some water out of the kettle Elvis, theyr’s a good boy, my feet are killing me.’
So Mr Pewtin road around in the nude (I do not kno why this is a leak, it was in the papers everywhere.) And now he has got the football world cup for Russia. I bet the other leaders are guttted. I bet they are sick they didn’t get the’yre kit of and ride around on a hors or even somthing bigger. Can you imagine? Mr Cameroon giving a press conference in Downing Street on a cow with no vest on? (Mr Cameroon, not the cow, cows always do not have a vest on.) It would be news! I can see the headlines ‘Mr Cameroon anounces boring goverment thing on a cow with no vest on!’ ‘Cami with no cami on a moo cow!’ ‘Hear is the vest of the moos.’ It would be endless and at the end we would get the football. The idea would spread. Other leaders would be getting photographd on a serlection of wildlife. Anne Widdercom sliding around a dance floor with an octopus, Barak Obbama looking tough on a bison and Silvio Burlesquoni on a camel in a thong. Actually nobody would be surprised at Mr Burlesquoni doing anything in a thong, he has already cornerd the market in doing stugh in thongs, what he would have to do to get massiv attention I cannot imagine. As far as politicains go he has got attention seeking off to a T. If there were some orfans, naked women, a hurrikane and him in a line up you would stil be looking at him to see what he would do next. But he did not get the football because Mr Pewtin thuoght of the hors stunt first. Well nearly.
But! I digress. This is my leak. Three years ago when we had the town pagent and our school did the histry bit with Lady Godiva, Mary Appleby, the prefect, who was Lady Godiva on a hors, in a BODY suit like all over tights all down her legs and feet and arms and up to her neck and a very long wig of hair all over, well there was a whole in the suit becase she snaged it on the hors saddel getting on outside the gym!!!!! I was there dressed as a knihgt and I saw it (the BODY suit) stretched massivly and then it went ping and there was a whole and she put it under her (the whole) and sat on it. But there really was a whole so she road round town with a whole and if you had made her stand up you could of seen her bottom (a bit). So Mary Appleby the prefect road round town with her bottom on show if the wig had blown aside in a gale and if she had stood up. She di’dnt, sadly. I kno becase I walked behind in a line of knihgts all the way, it took three hours and the sheild was very hevvy, I nearly chucked it in a hege at the end, but if she had road around stood up in a gale I could of lookd at part of the bottom of a prefect for three hours. So Mr Pewtin did it but Mary Appleby, the prefect, did it first. Well not first first, Lady Godiva did it first first first. Was she a politicain or a prefect? We shall never kno. Especailly me, I am not doing that kind of histry.
THIS IS NOT THE END OF THE WICKED LEAKS. I AM PERPARED TO LEAK A LOT MORE WHEN I THINK OF THEM, IF I DO NOT GET MY DEMANDS WHICH ARE PAYED TWEITION FEES AND A DRINKS MACHINE OUTSIDE MY BEDROOM. NEXT LEAK!!! WHAT MRS BROWN WHOS HOUSE BACKS ON TO OURS WAS WEARING IN THE GARDEN FOR SUNBAYTHING LAST SUMMER. ACTAULLY IT LOOKED DREADFUL, SHE IS NEARLEY 40! BUT I AM NOT AFRAID TO TELL. MY NAME IS ELVIS SMETHWICK AND I AM REVOLTING!!!!!!!!!
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JaneLaverick.com – sieving through the leaks.