Here in the back end of January some people are so inconsiderate as to have birthdays. What are you thinking, expecting presents when normal people are surviving on the crumbs at the bottom of the bread bin and trying to make hot chocolate with quarter teaspoons of cocoa powder and water?
Of course these are the people whose giddy parents got carried away with daisies in the grass, birds twittering and a bit of sunshine back in the early summer. Can no one count on their fingers anymore? The only time for conscientious procreation is November, bearing the resulting children during the school holidays, giving them the opportunity to be the eldest and brightest in the class or another go a year later if they turn out to be a dunce.
Nevertheless some improvident families produce children in January, condemning them to a life time of presents bought in the sales.
Some years, however, going to a shop to purchase an item just to give away, feels like unnecessary extravagance. It is surprising how nice a re-sourced gift can appear when gaily covered in Christmas wrapping paper turned inside out. A quick felt tip pen can turn robins into birthday-appropriate ravens, and Rudolph into a seaside donkey with a drinking problem.
Cast around the house for suitable gifts to earn praise and gratitude for your thoughtfulness, and, with a little work, you can appear the soul of generosity. Here is my initial list, do feel free to write with commendation or inspired additions of your own.
1) Short lengths, pre-cut, one careful owner, dental floss. A matchbox makes a attractive container, especially if decorated with cut-out ravens.
2) Unscrumpled, lightly ironed, stacked paper hankies. Everyone gets a cold in January, especially if sneezing relatives have been kissing them. Discard any that stick together and they will look as good as newish.
3) Re-boxed household surplus un-assorted orange crème chocolates. The iron will again be your friend, helpfully erasing any evidence of licking before realisation of the awful flavour.
4) Worn-in socks.
5) A handmade drawstring plastic bag of assorted sized hair curlers. Perm curlers can often be found in the corners of hairdresser’s floors. For giant card rollers, see the illustration below. Everyone likes a beauty aid, especially the plain, or moderately ugly.*
6) Pocket-handy two inch pencils.
7) A cushion amusingly shaped like a pair of underpants with the legs sewn up. You cannot go wrong with a talking point to break the ice at parties.
8) A washed-out marmalade jar with a full complement of biros with some ink left.
9) A knitted house plant cosy with holes at the sides for the leaves and decorative tea stains.
How about a selection of gifts acknowledging the recipient’s interests?
10) A gift for the keen crafter – string.
11) Gift a new hobby – start a collection with either a few tea pot lids, or, for those with a historical bent, a selection of previous year’s diaries, written up for the first week of January (so thoughtfully month relevant.)
How about some techy presents for youngsters?
12) A memory stick with some space on it.
13) The useful back of a phone case.
14) A roll of only partially exposed film.
And, for the man in your life –
15) A tin cough sweet box generously filled with used nails, including many almost straight.
16) Handcrafted vintage oval plastic picture frames with matching oval top hinged lids that close so the photograph of the recipient behind will always have a fresh look.
17) DIY telescope kits.
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*How to make a drawstring plastic bag.
Take a plastic bag, poke holes round the top. Thread the string you were going to gift in suggestion 10 through the holes, tying the ends together. For a decorative touch glue a birthday raven to the front.
Coming soon – where to shop for cheap toilet seats.
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