You! Young man! Are these all the turkeys or are you hiding some from me?
No, Madam, there are more turkeys in the cold store. What are you looking for?
A turkey! Are you not listening to me?
What weight?
Not too big. There’s only me to eat it.
How many kilos?
Kilos? Kilos! I don’t want a foreign turkey. I want a British turkey, weighed in pounds.
How many pounds?
Well, let me see. There will be me, my daughter, her husband, my grandson and the cat.
About ten?
No that’s five of us. Don’t they teach you counting at school anymore?
About ten pounds?
That’s not enough, I may have neighbours later. You cannot expect me to start cooking for neighbours in the middle of a holiday, though mind, when they has us over, we only had half an hour with canapés and, I might add, not very good canapés either. I think they may have been bought in, instead of made properly.
What weight of turkey would you like Madam?
Oh! All these questions! How should I know? Fifteen pounds. The weight is not as important as the shape. I don’t want all legs. Bring some to show me!
There are some on the display………….
Utterly inadequate.
This one is exactly fifteen pounds.
It doesn’t say so.
It is marked in kilos.
Why?
Oh. I think It’s the law. Something to do with Europe.
These are British turkeys are they? Not imported? You’re not trying to foist off imported rubbish on an old lady I hope?
No Madam. Are any of these British turkeys right for you? There are more at the back.
Drag them forward into the light! I cannot see under a shelf! My eyes are no longer young.
How about this one?
Certainly not! Look at the legs on it! It could dance in a chorus line of dancing girls. It’s practically wearing heels.
This one?
Marginally better, though you have yet to impress me in any way, shape or form.
This is a nice turkey Madam.
Are you trying to sell me a turkey?
Um……
I haven’t come here to be sold things young man. I have come here to buy them! Please don’t treat me like a fool because I am a senior. Show me your birds!
How about this?
Are you rolling your eyes?
No. I had something caught in my eyelid.
Because if I thought you were rolling your eyes I would be obliged to call the manager. You would be sacked. Instant dismissal. Out. On your ear. Why have you stopped showing me turkeys?
I’m….sorry. Is this one any good?
Better.
And this?
Don’t be ridiculous!
This is a nice one. I think.
If they’re paying you to think, they’re short changing themselves. What is that?
Where?
That one, right at the back. Drag it out. Let me have a look. Turn it round. Hmm. Turn it over. Hmm. Very well. That may do. Lift it into the trolley please.
Certainly madam. Happy to be of service.
Don’t flatter yourself. Fortunately for you I have the ability to shop under any circumstances, or we should all starve to death.
Young man!
Yes Madam?
Show me your cranberries immediately!
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JaneLaverick.com – drop before you shop.