{"id":117,"date":"2010-02-05T14:08:53","date_gmt":"2010-02-05T14:08:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.janelaverick.com\/?p=117"},"modified":"2010-02-05T14:08:53","modified_gmt":"2010-02-05T14:08:53","slug":"up-olympus","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.janelaverick.com\/?p=117","title":{"rendered":"Up Olympus."},"content":{"rendered":"

Three loud knocks.  Sound of a heavy door opening.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Top god<\/u><\/strong>    Greetings mortal.  Who comes to Olympus to seek the 
                 aid of the gods?  Step forward and identify yourself.<\/font><\/p>\n

Mortal<\/u><\/strong>      Erm hello, I\u2019m Marcus, son of Heracles.<\/font><\/p>\n

Top god<\/u><\/strong>    You look rather puny.<\/font><\/p>\n

Mortal<\/u><\/strong>      I work out.  A bit.<\/font><\/p>\n

Top god<\/u><\/strong>    Is he the only candidate?<\/font><\/p>\n

2nd god<\/u><\/strong>    Sorry, oh great one.  You can\u2019t get the help these days.<\/font><\/p>\n

Top god<\/u><\/strong>    I suppose he\u2019ll do but I\u2019m not impressed.  Very well,
                 mortal, we, the gods, will gift you with\u2026..what are we
                 going to gift him with?<\/font><\/p>\n

2nd god<\/u><\/strong>    Gifts.<\/font><\/p>\n

Top god<\/u><\/strong>    I know we\u2019re going to gift him with gifts.  Obviously
                 we\u2019re going to gift him with gifts.  What sort of gifts?<\/font><\/p>\n

2nd god<\/u><\/strong>    Oh, you know, gifts, special offers, leftovers.<\/font><\/p>\n

Top god<\/u><\/strong>   Well you might show a bit more enthusiasm.  Give me
                 the first thing.  Thank you.  Oh mortal, we, the gods,
                 gift you with this, this\u2026..what is this?<\/font><\/p>\n

2nd god<\/u><\/strong>    It\u2019s the helmet of invisible hold.<\/font><\/p>\n

Top god<\/u><\/strong>    Looks like hairspray to me.  We gift you with this helmet
                 of invisible hold to give you all day sleekness in the
                 strongest wind.  It is<\/em> hairspray.  Well, there you are.<\/font><\/p>\n

Mortal<\/u><\/strong>     Thank you.  I hope it\u2019s unperfumed or I\u2019ll get a rash.<\/font><\/p>\n

2nd god<\/u><\/strong>    No, you\u2019re all right, it\u2019s hypo-allergenic.<\/font><\/p>\n

Top god<\/u><\/strong>   We gift you with the hypo-allergenic helmet of invisible
                 hold and these sandals of, well, trainers of \u2013 are these
                 flying sandals?<\/font><\/p>\n

2nd god<\/u><\/strong>    They\u2019re for walking on air.<\/font><\/p>\n

Top god<\/u><\/strong>     Ah, that\u2019s more like it.  Sandals for walking in the air.<\/font><\/p>\n

2nd god<\/u><\/strong>     No, walking on air.  There are millions of little bubbles
                  in the soles.  Look, where the trim is coming off the
                  sides, you can see, it\u2019s all foamy.<\/font><\/p>\n

Top god<\/u><\/strong>    Foamy trainers, we gift you foamy trainers to go with
                 the hairspray.  These gifts are rubbish, haven\u2019t we got
                 any of the old fashioned things?  What about a shield?<\/font><\/p>\n

2nd god<\/u><\/strong>     All day confidence and personal freshness?<\/font><\/p>\n

Top god<\/u><\/strong>     No, no, no, not deodorant.  Personal armaments to 
                  make him look big and muscular.<\/font><\/p>\n

Mortal<\/u><\/strong>       Have you any neoprene racing shorts?<\/font><\/p>\n

Top god<\/u><\/strong>     Silence mortal, you\u2019ll get what you\u2019re given.  What else
                  have you got in the box?<\/font><\/p>\n

2nd god<\/u><\/strong>     The mobile phone of distant communication?<\/font><\/p>\n

Top god<\/u><\/strong>    You know we can\u2019t get a signal up here.  Pass the box
                  to me.  What are these?<\/font><\/p>\n

2nd god<\/u><\/strong>     The socks of progress.  99% cotton, 1% heat expanding
                  rubber granules. They never shrink, even in a boil wash.<\/font><\/p>\n

Top god<\/u><\/strong>     Do you want them?<\/font><\/p>\n

Mortal<\/u><\/strong>       I\u2019m not sure.  What else have you got?<\/font><\/p>\n

Top god<\/u><\/strong>     The key ring of noise.  You shout and it goes beep. The
                  stick of moles.  You stick it in your lawn and it frightens
                  moles away. The anti-slip bathmat. The miracle can-
                  opener.  The miracle mildew remover.  And a miracle
                  plastic seed hopper that sticks miraculously to your 
                  window to encourage birds to fly miraculously into it.
                  Just what is this load of rubbish?  Has someone been
                  phoning a catalogue hotline using my credit card again?<\/font><\/p>\n

2nd god<\/u><\/strong>     They looked good in the photographs.<\/font><\/p>\n

Mortal<\/u><\/strong>       Actually I wouldn\u2019t mind the beeping key ring.<\/font><\/p>\n

Top god<\/u><\/strong>     How will a pair of trainers, a key ring and hairspray\u2026..<\/font><\/p>\n

2nd god<\/u><\/strong>     Hypo-allergenic hairspray.<\/font><\/p>\n

Top god<\/u><\/strong>     Any kind of hairspray!  How will they help you fight
                  The Ogre of Throps, or defeat the Ten Legged Monster
                  of the Ocean Deeps, or the Niborg of Zarp?<\/font><\/p>\n

Mortal<\/u><\/strong>       Oh I haven\u2019t go to do any of them.  They\u2019re not on
                  the list.  Especially that last one.  That sounds nasty.<\/font><\/p>\n

Top god<\/u><\/strong>     What then, puny mortal, is your quest?<\/font><\/p>\n

Mortal<\/u><\/strong>       I\u2019ve been sent to rid the village of double glazing 
                  salesmen.<\/font><\/p>\n

Top god<\/u><\/strong>     Is that all?<\/font><\/p>\n

Mortal<\/u><\/strong>       Well, no, afterwards there\u2019s going to be a wet T-shirt
                  contest and I get to pick the winner.<\/font><\/p>\n

2nd god<\/u><\/strong>     You\u2019ll be wanting the deodorant then, and the mobile.<\/font><\/p>\n

Mortal<\/u><\/strong>       Great.  Thanks.<\/font><\/p>\n

2nd god<\/u><\/strong>     You\u2019re welcome.  Bye.<\/font><\/p>\n

A door slams.  Tentative knocking.  A door opens.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Mortal<\/u><\/strong>       Would it be all right if I had the socks?  If no one
                  wants them?  These trainers are a bit loose, if I wear
                  them without socks, I\u2019ll get a blister.  Okay. Great 
                  thanks.  Thanks now.  Bye.<\/font><\/p>\n

                ***********************************<\/font><\/p>\n

JaneLaverick.com – bringing the classics right up to date.<\/font><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Three loud knocks.  Sound of a heavy door opening. Top god    Greetings mortal.  Who comes to Olympus to seek the                   aid of the gods?  Step forward and identify yourself. Mortal      Erm hello, I\u2019m Marcus, son of Heracles. Top god    … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[15],"class_list":["post-117","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-the-parrot-has-landed","tag-humour"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t