{"id":125,"date":"2010-02-15T01:00:00","date_gmt":"2010-02-15T01:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.janelaverick.com\/?p=125"},"modified":"2010-02-15T01:00:00","modified_gmt":"2010-02-15T01:00:00","slug":"knickerbocker-glory-the-lard-layer","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.janelaverick.com\/?p=125","title":{"rendered":"Knickerbocker Glory, the lard layer."},"content":{"rendered":"

So, what did you get for Valentines day yesterday?  No, me neither.  However, it is Monday morning and what you get with that is a laugh and a bit more radio play, absolutely free with love from me.  So that\u2019s all right then.  Not exactly a box of chocolates but it could be worse.  It could be lard.<\/font><\/p>\n

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                                      Market Research.<\/strong><\/font><\/p>\n

Phone rings twice.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Researchee<\/u><\/strong>             Hello?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>      Hello.  Are you the householder?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Researchee<\/u><\/strong>             Oh yes! Are you from the council?  I\u2019m so glad. 
                          They\u2019re getting worse.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>       What are?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Researchee<\/u><\/strong>              The drains.  You could cut the air with a knife.  
                           You\u2019re not the lady I spoke to earlier, are you?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>        I don\u2019t think so.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Researchee<\/u><\/strong>               Are you in a different department?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>        No, I\u2019m in the kitchen.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Researchee<\/u><\/strong>               The kitchen?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>        Yes, crammed between the Aga and ten sacks of 
                            pig vitamins.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Researchee<\/u><\/strong>               Oh, you\u2019re not from the council?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>         No, sorry.  Is the smell very bad?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Researchee<\/u><\/strong>                It\u2019s awful.  Why are you phoning me?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>         You should try living on a pig farm if it\u2019s smells
                             you\u2019re after, my\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026..householder. Ah,
                             now, wait a minute, hang on, I\u2019ve lost the bit of
                             paper.  Right, here it is.  I am ringing you, 
                             householder, with a wonderful opportunity.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Researchee<\/u><\/strong>                It\u2019s not timeshare, is it?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>         What?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Researchee<\/u><\/strong>                Timeshare.  You know, timeshare holidays.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>         What\u2019s that then?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Researchee<\/u><\/strong>    <\/u>            No, obviously it\u2019s not.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>         So what is it then?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Researchee<\/u><\/strong>                Well, you pay so much.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg’s niece<\/u><\/strong>         How much?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Researchee<\/u><\/strong>                I don\u2019t know.  It varies.  You pay this amount
                             and you get holidays for twenty years or
                             something.  Like, you get the third week in
                             August somewhere posh for the next
                             twenty years, or whatever.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>         So could I have the third week in August in
                             Buckingham Palace for the next twenty years
                             then?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Researchee<\/u><\/strong>                I don\u2019t think so.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>         Pity.  Be handy for the shopping.  And 
                             sightseeing and that.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Researchee<\/u><\/strong>                I don\u2019t think they do timeshare.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>         They do tours.  My auntie went. She said it was
                             nice.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Researchee<\/u><\/strong>                It is but I\u2019m sure they don\u2019t do timeshare.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>         Pity. Anyway, I am ringing you, householder,
                             with an opportunity.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Researchee<\/u><\/strong>                It\u2019s not double glazing, is it?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>         What is?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Researchee<\/u><\/strong>               That you\u2019re selling.  You\u2019re not selling double
                            glazing?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>        I\u2019m not selling anything. We could do with double
                            glazing ourselves.  When we get an east wind it 
                            goes through the edges of my bedroom window
                            something shocking.  The man up the road had it
                            done and now his house is lovely and warm. 
                            They could do with it in Buckingham Palace.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Researchee<\/u><\/strong>               Do you think so?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>        My auntie said it was draughty. Nice but 
                            draughty. It improves the look too. The man up 
                            the road had aluminium. It looks ever so modern.
                            Some double glazed picture windows on the front
                            of the Palace would look really nice.  Modern 
                            and up to date. They could have a nice 
                            aluminium conservatory on that balcony where
                            they all wave from.  Keep them warm while 
                            they\u2019re waving.  Anyway, I am ringing you,
                            householder with an opportunity.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Researchee<\/u><\/strong>              Well, if you\u2019re not selling anything, what is the
                           opportunity?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>       It\u2019s an opportunity to win prizes in a free draw.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Researchee<\/u><\/strong>              OK.  Put my name down, thank you.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>      No, hang on.  First you have to answer some
                          questions and then you can win prizes in a free
                          draw.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Researchee<\/u><\/strong>             Oh.  Market research.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>      Is it?  I don\u2019t know about that.  It\u2019s just some
                          questions. Not many.  It\u2019s only one bit of paper.
                          There was another but I\u2019ve lost it.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Researchee<\/u><\/strong>             What are the prizes?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>      Well the first prize is a cash prize. The second
                          prize is a holiday and the third prize, and there\u2019s
                          ten of them, is a lifetime\u2019s free supply of lard.
                          With very colourful wrappers. For even if you
                          live to be a hundred.  If it hasn\u2019t gone off.  So,
                          will you answer the questions, please?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Researchee<\/u><\/strong>             Oh, if I must.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>       Thank you.  That is nice of you. Here\u2019s the first.
                           Would you say you were in one of these age
                           groups, a) 20-30 b) 30-40 c) 40-50 d) older?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Researchee<\/u><\/strong>             C.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>      Thank you, I\u2019ve ticked it. Next, how much do you
                          like pigs? Would you say it was: a) Very much
                          indeed b) Quite a bit c) So so d) Not fussy or
                          e) Prefer another animal?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Researchee<\/u><\/strong>             In what way. like pigs?  Do you mean to eat?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>      No, more to live with really.  So would you like
                         to live with a pig very much indeed b) quite a bit
                         c) so so and so on.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Researchee<\/u><\/strong>            I wouldn\u2019t like to live with a pig at all.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>     I\u2019ll put you down as e) Prefer another animal, then.
                         Next question. Would an offer of free lard influence
                         your decision to have a farm holiday a) Very
                         strongly.  It would be the deciding factor that would
                         make you just go for it. b) Not very strongly but it
                         might help you decide if the lard was nice. c) You
                         would only be influenced a teeny bit or d) You
                         would not be swayed by lard at all.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Researchee<\/u><\/strong>            I think d).  I don\u2019t like lard very much.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>     Don\u2019t you?  Really?  How odd!  Right, next
                        question.  Which would be your choice of pig
                        related souvenirs in order of preference: a) A piggy
                        bank b)A plaster pig model c)A pig shaped rucksack
                        d)A paper mache pig ornament e)A bobble hat with 
                        a pig on it f) A pig shaped air freshener g) A hot
                        water bottle with a pig painted on it h) A pig doll
                        with hair you can comb and a choice of outfits, say
                        either dungarees or a ballet dress and a hat,
                        obviously i) Fluffy slippers in the shape of a pig j) A
                        straightforward old cuddly pig or k)A side of bacon?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Researchee<\/u><\/strong>           It\u2019s difficult to say.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>    I know, it\u2019s spoiled for choice, isn\u2019t it?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Researchee<\/u><\/strong>           Not much.  I don\u2019t think I have an opinion.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>    I\u2019ll put you down as all equal winners then. Right
                        next question.  Is it: a) I don\u2019t mind a bit of mud it
                        doesn\u2019t bother me. b) Mud would not stop me
                        enjoying my holiday. c) Mud or no mud, it\u2019s all
                        the same to me. d) I\u2019d prefer not to have mud,
                        thank you, or e) I am very fussy and don\u2019t like
                        mud about my person one little bit.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Researchee<\/u><\/strong>           Hmm, given the choice..<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>    Which I am giving you for the chance to win a 
                        prize draw.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Researchee<\/u><\/strong>          Quite. Put me down for the middle one.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>    Mud or no mud, it\u2019s all the same to you, is it?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Researchee<\/u><\/strong>           I suppose so.  Is there much more?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>    No, this is the last question on this bit of paper.
                       Here it is. If you had taken a farm holiday under
                       the influence of complimentary lard, would you be
                       expecting advice on knitting to be part of the
                       amenities on offer?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Researchee<\/u><\/strong>          Not really, no.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>   So you wouldn\u2019t feel you\u2019d missed out if there
                       were no knitting lessons?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Researchee<\/u><\/strong>          No.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>   I told them so.  I said they wouldn\u2019t be expecting
                       knitting.  That\u2019s just what I thought, that shows
                       you the value of questions, doesn\u2019t it? Especially
                       when people give the right answers.  Thank you
                       householder, your number will be entered in our 
                       prize draw and I hope you get your drains fixed.
                       All winners will be notified by next Tuesday, so
                       I\u2019ll ring you back then if you\u2019ve won.  Good
                       luck, householder.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Researchee<\/u><\/strong>          Bye.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>   Hang on, I\u2019ve just got to read you this. Forget
                      theme parks and holidays in nasty hot foreign
                      countries, Reg Smith farm holidays are the holidays
                      of the two oh one ohs, no, the twenty tens, the
                      tweens, this year, whatever you\u2019re calling it. Reg
                      Smith is the twenty one ohs calling. Bye. And good
                      luck, between you and me I think you\u2019re in with a 
                      chance of lard.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Click brrrr.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

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Read JaneLaverick.com and go sizzling into the week like lard down a smelter chute.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

So, what did you get for Valentines day yesterday?  No, me neither.  However, it is Monday morning and what you get with that is a laugh and a bit more radio play, absolutely free with love from me.  So that\u2019s … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[21],"tags":[15,22],"class_list":["post-125","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-knickerbocker-glory","tag-humour","tag-radio-play"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t