{"id":129,"date":"2010-02-19T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2010-02-19T00:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.janelaverick.com\/?p=129"},"modified":"2010-02-19T00:00:00","modified_gmt":"2010-02-19T00:00:00","slug":"knickerbocker-glory-boiled-sweets","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.janelaverick.com\/?p=129","title":{"rendered":"Knickerbocker Glory, boiled sweets."},"content":{"rendered":"

I know it\u2019s Friday, it\u2019s five o’ clock it\u2019s Crackerjack and you\u2019re having Monday morning ice cream and boiled sweets.  Sorry about that.  I am just getting up to speed after the flu; it\u2019s only six weeks to the Min and getting good information for the Midweek Min spot takes time. I\u2019m also currently dressing 12th scale dolls, which takes two days a doll at least, so I do hope you can bear with me and cope with ice cream leftovers.  <\/font><\/p>\n

At least with the weather we\u2019re having in the UK they will still be solid, the minute I hung the washing out this morning it started snowing, there\u2019s a good two inches of snow outside all over everything, on February 18th! Brr. Why doesn\u2019t some enterprising airline hook up the horrible northern hemisphere snow clouds, fly south with them and let them go over countries that would appreciate a bit of precipitation?  You could have blue sky over Birmingham and a short sharp snow shower over Adelaide.  Now don\u2019t laugh.  When Alexander Graham Bell invented the first phone in 1876 they all laughed, mainly because the invention was useless.  Why was it useless you ask?  Because he couldn\u2019t call anyone until he\u2019d invented the second phone.  Though they could have been laughing at his very silly beard.  What would he have thought of a camera phone? And if he had been called Alexander Graham Beethoven\u2019s Ninth would we have had ringtones sooner?  Next time your apps trash your credit card blame the Bell, it\u2019s all his fault.  <\/font><\/p>\n

He\u2019s entirely responsible for poor Uncle Reg\u2019s niece, trying her best to run a phone service from a pig farm.  Who invented working from home?  Now there\u2019s thing.  First you do some work, then you stop and do some housework, then for a change you do some work.  All day.  So why am I not thin and rich? (Answers on a postcard, please.)<\/font><\/p>\n

                    ******************************<\/font><\/p>\n

                                 The corporation.
<\/strong>Telephone dialling tone.  Two rings followed by the voice of Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/strong> with exultant, slightly tinny background music:<\/em><\/font><\/p>\n

Welcome to the Uncle Reg Corporation.  You may dial the extension of your choice at any time.  Dial one for recipe of the day; a daily recipe which is different every day.  Except not this week because my auntie\u2019s on holiday but when she gets back it will be daily, every day.<\/font><\/p>\n

Dial two for weather information in which I inform you about the local weather.  If it\u2019s wet I will tell you how wet it is with detailed information about how deep the mud is in the yard.  If it\u2019s not raining I\u2019ll tell you what else it is.  This is an up to date service which is changed minute-  ly.<\/font><\/p>\n

Dial three for farm holiday hotlines; if you leave your name and address a booking form will be sent to you return of post if I can find them.  Please speak slowly and spell any difficult words.  In fact spell all the words is probably safest.<\/font><\/p>\n

Dial four for consumer information which includes details of everything available from the farm shop.  It\u2019s mainly pig products.  Well it\u2019s all pig products really because this is a pig farm.  So don\u2019t ring for dairy products or milk because we get ours from the milkman and we haven\u2019t any spare.  But we\u2019ve got an awful lot of bacon and a barn full of lard that was turned down by a supermarket.  There\u2019s nothing wrong with it.  It\u2019s very nice.  If you\u2019re a lard fan.  It\u2019s got really colourful wrappers that cost ever so much to print.<\/font><\/p>\n

Dial five for, no hang on, there\u2019s another bit of four. There is more consumer information which informs you about what\u2019s on the past-its-sell-by-date shelf in the village corner shop.  This week it\u2019s bags of boiled sweets with hardly anything wrong with them at all.  They\u2019re just a bit stuck together.  You only need to hammer the outside of the packet.  But do it on a tray or something because the sweets are stronger than the packet, if you get my meaning and mud doesn\u2019t wash off them well because they\u2019re so sticky.  But if you like a lot of sticky sweets in a lump they\u2019re very cheap.  Very, very cheap.  10p for a really big packet.  If they aren\u2019t all sold by the end of the week the price might go down again.  If it goes down to, ooh, say, 8p or even 5p, no it won\u2019t, that\u2019s too hopeful that is, I\u2019ll have another packet or, maybe, two.  I\u2019ll have to wait and see.  Oh I can\u2019t wait.  Here\u2019s hoping.  Fingers crossed.<\/font><\/p>\n

Dial five for jumble sale information and parish events by request of the vicar.  The Brownies are having a bring and buy sale next week and there\u2019s advance information about the Infants School historical pageant.  That\u2019s not till next month but our Alice and Damien are in it and I\u2019m helping with the costumes.  Alice is going as Lady Godiva in a leotard and a long wig made out of straw.  Damien is definitely going to be Little Lord Fauntleroy even though he wants to be Jack the Ripper.  Miss Peasmarch says she cannot take responsibility for him with a knife, even a cardboard one, and I know what she means.<\/font><\/p>\n

Dial six was knitting patterns but it\u2019s been discontinued due to technical difficulties.  And new! Dial seven for live folk music because we have discovered that Arthur the pig hand can sing.  He\u2019s got a lovely voice when he\u2019s singing to the pigs, with a surprising range. That means not like a kitchen range but like a cross between Kate Bush and Tom Jones. It\u2019s a constant novelty.  So if we can get him to come in the kitchen and do it, you can hear it.<\/font><\/p>\n

If the service you require is not listed you can dial nine at any time for the operator.  That\u2019s me.  Don\u2019t be worried if I don\u2019t answer at once because I\u2019m probably in the yard hanging out washing.  You get an awful lot of washing on a pig farm.<\/font><\/p>\n

This is the Reg Smith Corporation.  Reg Smith is the voice of the twenty tens.  It\u2019s the quite modern future calling.  Now, how do I switch this tape recorder off?<\/font><\/p>\n

                    ***************************************<\/font><\/p>\n

 <\/font><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I know it\u2019s Friday, it\u2019s five o’ clock it\u2019s Crackerjack and you\u2019re having Monday morning ice cream and boiled sweets.  Sorry about that.  I am just getting up to speed after the flu; it\u2019s only six weeks to the Min … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[21],"tags":[15,22],"class_list":["post-129","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-knickerbocker-glory","tag-humour","tag-radio-play"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t