{"id":192,"date":"2010-05-13T22:38:23","date_gmt":"2010-05-13T21:38:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.janelaverick.com\/?p=192"},"modified":"2010-05-13T22:38:23","modified_gmt":"2010-05-13T21:38:23","slug":"kwiz-nite","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.janelaverick.com\/?p=192","title":{"rendered":"Kwiz nite."},"content":{"rendered":"

As TV quiz shows grow ever dumber we eavesdrop on a pilot show that never got broadcast.<\/font><\/p>\n

Theme tune (voice over sung by a former, desperate, ageing, pop star – the host. )<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Curtain up!  Light a light!
It\u2019s Friday at Nine
It\u2019s Kwiz Nite!
All the answers
All the Qs
Now Toby it\u2019s over to you!<\/font><\/p>\n

Amid lukewarm applause, the host, Toby Famous, who was, slightly, thirty years ago, appears at the top of a flight of carefully shallow steps.  Sucking in his girdle and running a hand through his wig he flashes his tooth veneers and trots as energetically down the stairs as his reconditioned knees will allow.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Toby<\/u><\/strong>    Hello and welcome!  Friday Nite is Kwiz Nite!  I am your
            Kwiz Master!  There\u2019s nobody faster!  Friday Nite is Kwiz
            Nite and it\u2019s also the Nite when the lovely Shareela appears
            like a star in the firmament to help our lovely contestants be
            lovely\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026. Shareela, ladiesngentlemen!<\/font><\/p>\n

To rather more enthusiastic applause a tall willowy blonde with impossible teeth, legs and hair, clad in a magnificent evening gown with a diamante train, huge diamante earrings, and seven inch heels, slinks on to the set and stands, smiling radiantly, absorbing the applause.  Surely no human being can be this perfect?  She speaks<\/font><\/em> .<\/p>\n

Shareela<\/u><\/strong>  \u2019Elaow evereeboddy.<\/font><\/p>\n

Immediately we understand that nature designed her to be a mannequin.<\/em><\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Toby<\/u><\/strong>       Hello Shareela!  My, you do look lovely, what is that you
               are wearing?<\/font><\/p>\n

Shareela<\/u><\/strong>  A  neve ning gaawn, innit?<\/font><\/p>\n

I take that back, a coat hanger.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Toby<\/u><\/strong>       Well, my dear it\u2019s lovely, doesn\u2019t she look lovely,
               ladiesngentlemen?<\/font><\/p>\n

Slight applause.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Toby<\/u><\/strong>      Lovely.  (With a flourish) <\/em>Could you fetch the contestants
              please?<\/font><\/p>\n

Shareela stalks off, returning with a small group of people.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Toby<\/u><\/strong>       And who are our first contestants, please, Shareela?<\/font><\/p>\n

Shareela<\/u><\/strong>  The Smiffs.<\/font><\/p>\n

Toby<\/u><\/strong>       Let\u2019s hear it for the Smiff family.<\/font><\/p>\n

Shareela<\/u><\/strong>  Nah, the Smiffs.<\/em><\/strong><\/font><\/p>\n

Toby<\/u><\/strong>       Oh, sorry, the Smith family!<\/font><\/p>\n

Shareela<\/u><\/strong>  That\u2019s wotti sed.<\/em><\/strong><\/font><\/p>\n

Toby<\/u><\/strong>       The Smith Family ladiesngentlemen!<\/font><\/p>\n

Lukewarm applause.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Toby<\/u><\/strong>        And our next contestants, please.<\/font><\/p>\n

Shareela<\/u><\/strong>   The Brahn Family.<\/font><\/p>\n

Toby<\/u><\/strong>        Welcome, welcome.<\/font><\/p>\n

Shareela<\/u><\/strong>    Anner Green family, innit?<\/font><\/p>\n

Toby<\/u><\/strong>         Applause, please Ladiesngentlemen!  Ay theng you. And
                 now, if you will, Shareela, the questions!<\/font><\/p>\n

Shareela<\/u><\/strong>    \u2018Ere y\u2019are then.<\/font><\/p>\n

She hands him a golden envelope.<\/em><\/font><\/p>\n

Toby<\/u><\/strong>          Are these tonight\u2019s questions?<\/font><\/p>\n

Mr Brown<\/u><\/strong>  Yes!<\/font><\/p>\n

Toby<\/u><\/strong>          A point to Mr Brown!<\/font><\/p>\n

Mrs Smith<\/u><\/strong>  Is he allowed to answer like that?<\/font><\/p>\n

Mr. Brown<\/u><\/strong>  Yes, I am.<\/font><\/p>\n

Toby<\/u><\/strong>           Another point to Mr Brown!<\/font><\/p>\n

Mr Green<\/u><\/strong>    Is that fair?  Have we started yet?<\/font><\/p>\n

Mr Brown<\/u><\/strong> (Quickly) <\/em>Yes and yes.<\/font><\/p>\n

Toby<\/u><\/strong>          Two points to Mr Brown!<\/font><\/p>\n

Miss Green<\/u><\/strong> How silly, you might as well ask what I had for 
                   lunch today.<\/font><\/p>\n

Mr Brown <\/u><\/strong>(Guessing) <\/em>Burger and chips.<\/font><\/p>\n

Miss Green<\/u><\/strong>  No I didn\u2019t, well, I did have chips.<\/font><\/p>\n

Toby<\/u><\/strong>          Half a point to Mr Brown!<\/font><\/p>\n

Mrs Green<\/u><\/strong>  This is ridiculous, are there no proper questions?<\/font><\/p>\n

Mrs Smith<\/u><\/strong> (Very quickly, guessing) <\/em>Yes.  There are?<\/font><\/p>\n

Toby<\/u><\/strong>          Well done Mrs Smith.  One point.<\/font><\/p>\n

Mrs Smith <\/u><\/strong>(Disappointed) <\/em>Is that all I get?<\/font><\/p>\n

Mr Brown<\/u><\/strong>    Yes it is!<\/font><\/p>\n

Toby<\/u><\/strong>            One point.  Now for some questions from the golden
                    envelope. <\/font><\/p>\n

(He opens it with a flourish, hold it at arm\u2019s length, squints and attempts to read.)<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Mrs Green<\/u><\/strong>   Do you want to borrow my specs?<\/font><\/p>\n

Mr Brown<\/u><\/strong>   Yes!  He does!<\/font><\/p>\n

Toby<\/u><\/strong>           Two points.<\/font><\/p>\n

Mrs Green<\/u><\/strong>   Is that fair?<\/font><\/p>\n

Mr Brown<\/u><\/strong>   Yes!  It is!  Quite fair!<\/font><\/p>\n

Toby<\/u><\/strong>           Three points!<\/font><\/p>\n

(Mrs Green fishes in her handbag and hands Toby a pair of specs.  He puts them on upside down.)<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Toby<\/u><\/strong>          Oh, are these the right way up?<\/font><\/p>\n

Mr Brown <\/u><\/strong>(Joyfully)  <\/em>NO!<\/font><\/p>\n

Toby<\/u><\/strong>        One point.  Let me see (He turns the glasses the right 
                way up) <\/em>oh that\u2019s better.  Now, where are the questions?<\/font><\/p>\n

Mr Brown<\/u><\/strong> (Triumphantly) <\/em>In your hand!<\/font><\/p>\n

Toby<\/u><\/strong>       Exactly right and that\u2019s twelve and a half points to Mr
               Brown as we go into the commercial break. Don\u2019t leave 
               us because: (as he takes a deep breath, behind 
               him Mrs Green starts hitting Mr Brown with her 
               handbag, Miss Smith and Master Brown fall into a 
               passionate embrace, Mrs Smith and Mrs Brown 
               exchange recipes and young Master Green picks his
              nose and stares down the cleavage of Shareela who
              glowers as Toby sings:
               <\/em>Curtain up!
               Light the lights!
               It\u2019s quarter past nine!
               It\u2019s quiz nite!
               Now some things
               For you to buy
               We\u2019ll be back with part two
               By and     Byeeeeee!   (waving furiously).<\/em><\/font><\/p>\n

888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

JaneLaverick.com \u2013 predicting the horrible, not very distant future of television, if there isn\u2019t something similar to this on a screen near you this weekend, I\u2019ll be amazed.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

As TV quiz shows grow ever dumber we eavesdrop on a pilot show that never got broadcast. Theme tune (voice over sung by a former, desperate, ageing, pop star – the host. ) Curtain up!  Light a light! It\u2019s Friday … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[15],"class_list":["post-192","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-the-parrot-has-landed","tag-humour"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t