{"id":244,"date":"2010-08-02T11:58:08","date_gmt":"2010-08-02T10:58:08","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.janelaverick.com\/?p=244"},"modified":"2010-08-02T12:00:40","modified_gmt":"2010-08-02T11:00:40","slug":"middle-aged-vampires","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.janelaverick.com\/?p=244","title":{"rendered":"Middle-aged vampires."},"content":{"rendered":"

I was watering the tomatoes at dusk when I heard above me the sound you would get if you sat suddenly on a teddy bear.  I looked up to see two bats wheeling away from each other, rather sharply.  Of course, the wonderful thing about bats is that they have the most incredible radar that can detect tiny moths anywhere and, naturally, other bats and it works absolutely perfectly, no matter how old and deaf they get.  And I got to thinking: vampires \u2013 they can\u2019t all be in their twenties, can they?<\/font><\/p>\n

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Have you got the bags?<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Bags?<\/font><\/p>\n

Have you got the bags?<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Oh no, I thought you had them.<\/font><\/p>\n

I gave them to you.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

No you didn\u2019t.<\/font><\/p>\n

Yes, you remember, you were filling the dishwasher and I handed them to you and I said \u2018Here\u2019s the bags for tonight, put them in the trolley.\u2019<\/em><\/font><\/p>\n

Trolley?<\/font><\/p>\n

Oh you haven\u2019t gone and put them in the dishwasher again?<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Sorry, I didn\u2019t know they were clean ones. It\u2019s daft handing me clean ones when I\u2019m stacking the dishwasher. Oh well, they\u2019ll just get washed twice.<\/font><\/p>\n

They were the PET compound ones, you can\u2019t do them in the dishwasher, it distorts the valves and blocks the filters, it\u2019s too hot.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

I thought you said you could do them in the dishwasher, they came out sparkling, you said, even with the supermarket tablets.<\/font><\/p>\n

No, that was the foil bags.  You can<\/strong> do foil vacuum blood bags in the dishwasher, but you have to do the plastic ones by hand, <\/strong>how many times do I have to tell you?  It\u2019s quite simple \u2013 silver foil bags, silver dishwasher; wrinkly white plastic bags, hands.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Oh for goodness\u2019 sake, what a fuss.  Why do we have to have recycled ones anyway?  It was so much simpler when we just bought new ones.  It\u2019s not as if they\u2019re expensive.<\/font><\/p>\n

Every little helps.  It\u2019s no use being wasteful, there\u2019s no knowing what the government will do to pensions in the current economic climate.<\/em><\/font><\/p>\n

Oh don\u2019t get started on that again.<\/font><\/p>\n

Well somebody has to worry, you just fly through life\u2026\u2026\u2026Right I\u2019ve found some other bags at the back of the drawer but there\u2019s not many.  Remind me to put them on the shopping list.  No, I\u2019ll do it now.  Blood bags.  There. Just move out of the way and let me have a look in the fridge to see how many we\u2019ve got in.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

You already looked.<\/font><\/p>\n

I know but I can\u2019t remember what I said.  We\u2019re running low on phosphate.  You haven\u2019t put the lid on your jar of liver nibbles again, I spend my life clearing up after you. Platelet pate in the salad drawer, how many times!  Right only three full bags and a half sucked one without a cap on, we\u2019d better get going.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

I am<\/strong> going, I\u2019m in the hall.  Waiting.  Where are you?<\/font><\/p>\n

Have you seen my specs?<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

They\u2019ll be in your handbag.<\/font><\/p>\n

They\u2019re not.  Now where did I last have them?<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

You were reading The Surgeon, you were reading bits out to me when I was trying to watch the news.<\/font><\/p>\n

I\u2019ll look in the lounge.  They\u2019re not in here\u2026.. I wonder\u2026\u2026.Oh I know.  I think I was wearing them when I phoned my mother back.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Oh that old bat. She was flittering on all the way though my detective programme. Why does she always ring on Tuesday evening? It\u2019s only one hour a week, it\u2019s not much to ask.<\/font><\/p>\n

Well if you could work out how to use the recording thing\u2026..ah, here they are.  Right, are you ready, if we don\u2019t get off soon it\u2019ll be morning.  OK I\u2019m good to go.  Now<\/strong> where are you off to?<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

I\u2019m just popping to the toilet.<\/font><\/p>\n

Dr Mark Porter said in the Times that you\u2019ll never retrain your bladder  if you go a dozen times before you go out.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

What does he know?  He\u2019s not old enough to have a prostate. I\u2019ll just be a tick.<\/font><\/p>\n

What a palaver.  We\u2019re only popping out for a quick suck and a top up, it\u2019s not like we were entertaining, or the transfusion service or something.  I could do it quicker on my own.  Actually, while you\u2019re doing that I\u2019ll just fly upstairs and put some more Ibuprofen gel on my wing.  Ooh, that is so stiff.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

There we are.  Didn\u2019t need to go after all.  Now where has she gone?                  Where are you?<\/em><\/font><\/p>\n

Here.  Can you stand behind me and put some of this gel on the back of my neck? I can\u2019t reach.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Are we ever<\/strong> going to get out tonight?  There, how\u2019s that?<\/font><\/p>\n

Fine thanks.  Well, it will be soon I hope, I could do with a stronger one.  Just leave it on the hall table.  Right, finally.  Where are we going?  That new housing estate off the motorway?<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

If you want.<\/font><\/p>\n

Where are you off to now?<\/strong><\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

To get the sat nav.  Can you remember how to programme it?<\/font><\/p>\n

No, you find the instructions while I rummage in my bag for my specs\u2026\u2026..<\/em><\/font><\/p>\n

 <\/em><\/font><\/p>\n

Did you see where I put my handbag? I had it a moment ago\u2026\u2026\u2026.<\/em><\/font><\/p>\n

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JaneLaverick.com \u2013 worth reading again with your glasses on.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I was watering the tomatoes at dusk when I heard above me the sound you would get if you sat suddenly on a teddy bear.  I looked up to see two bats wheeling away from each other, rather sharply.  Of … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[15,162,161],"class_list":["post-244","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-the-parrot-has-landed","tag-humour","tag-middle-age","tag-vampires"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t