{"id":246,"date":"2010-08-04T21:40:47","date_gmt":"2010-08-04T20:40:47","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.janelaverick.com\/?p=246"},"modified":"2010-08-04T21:40:47","modified_gmt":"2010-08-04T20:40:47","slug":"middle-aged-vampires-fangs-for-the-memory","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.janelaverick.com\/?p=246","title":{"rendered":"Middle aged vampires; fangs for the memory."},"content":{"rendered":"

I have a feeling they are going to keep coming back, middle age is like that whether you\u2019re a vampire or not; it\u2019s just one thing after another.<\/font><\/p>\n

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Well that was a bit tricky; are you all right?<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Yeff.<\/font><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

What a thing to happen!<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

I couldn\u2019t helf it.<\/font><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Nobody\u2019s saying it was your fault. I<\/strong> didn\u2019t say it was your fault.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Yeff but you\u2019re finking it.<\/font><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Stop talking, you\u2019ll make it worse.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

It hurtf like anyfing. If it bleeding?  It doefn’t tafte nife.<\/font><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Well if it doesn\u2019t taste nice it isn\u2019t bleeding is it?  Just sit down and I\u2019ll ring the dentist.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

It hurtf when I poke it.<\/font><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Then don\u2019t poke it.  It\u2019s ringing.  Oh for goodness\u2019 sake!<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

What?<\/font><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u2018You are in a queue, your call is important to us, if the surgery is closed\u2026.\u2019 they only do it to annoy you.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Juft ftay cool..<\/font><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Easy for you to say, annoying is what they do best, and then they dare to publish statistics about the incidence of incidents at surgeries.  I\u2019m not surprised the patients get violent, if they stopped playing you Vivaldi on a Stylophone Ringtone there would be a lot less violence generally.  Now I am number two in a queue.  Well at least it means the surgery is open.  How are you feeling now?<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Been better.<\/font><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Oh you poor old thing.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Leff of the old, if you don\u2019t mind.  Don\u2019t make me talk, it hurtff.<\/font><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Well don\u2019t, ah!  Ah, hello.  Yes. I need an emergency appointment for my husband please.  Yes it is an emergency.  That\u2019s between him and the dentist.  Why do you have to assess it?  Really?  Well we never used to have to do this.                                  Well I don\u2019t think it\u2019s an improvement.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Whatff the problem?<\/font><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

It\u2019s a new system, we have to tell the receptionist what\u2019s wrong and she assesses us.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Affeffeff uff?<\/font><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Assesses you then.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Affeffeff me?<\/font><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Do stop repeating me.  No not you, him.  Yes he can talk and it is that bad.  He\u2019s broken a fang.  No, right off.  Yes.  Half an hour ago.   Well we had to fly home before we could report it.  Incident report!  Wouldn\u2019t it just be quicker to give us an appointment?  Sorry, when I say us I mean him.  Yes, I know an appointment is for one person only.  It is only him.  Yes.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

What if fee faying?<\/font><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Asking questions, no not you, him. Yes I know you are too. I\u2019ll ask. We have to complete the questionnaire, can you answer some questions?  <\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve fractured a fang!  It\u2019f fnapped off!  It hurtff!  Tell her it hurtff!<\/strong><\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

I\u2019ll tell her, sit down!  <\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

It hurtff.  Lotff.<\/font><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Yes, he is.  Eighth June, eighteen forty three.  Yes.  Yes.  Fifteen years.  No.  Yes.  No.  We\u2019re not claiming any pensions, we don\u2019t even have a bus pass.  Yes.  I don\u2019t know.  I\u2019ll ask.  When did you last see the dentist?  Hang on he\u2019s looking on the calendar, it was only about three months I think.  Yes, that\u2019s right, no, it\u2019s ok she\u2019s found you on the system.  Yes well, we were in a perfectly ordinary bedroom and he tried to bite this woman and it turns out she was wearing some invisible strap thing.  Well I don\u2019t know, underwired  microfibre or something.  You know how it is, the pressure to look perfect all day every day even when you\u2019re asleep.  It is, it\u2019s ridiculous.  Oh it is, it\u2019s these celebrity thin women with perfect cleavage and stick-thin thighs right after having babies.  I know.  I know.  Yes.  Anyway, he bit into this invisible strap thing, she turned over in her sleep and that was it.  You could hear the crack as the fang snapped.  She wasn\u2019t even old and bony.  Oh quite.  Oh too right, I don\u2019t think there\u2019s been any virgins since before the war.  Oh no, virgin in a cotton nightdress, not going to happen.  No.  They won\u2019t do the ironing.  It\u2019s all easy care and invisible straps.  No it\u2019s awful.         Did she?  Really?   Well, fancy that.  Really?            Oh I know, we\u2019ve got a niece the same.  Oh don\u2019t they?  Don\u2019t they just.  Couldn\u2019t agree more.  Could you?  Brilliant thank you.  Great.  Yes we\u2019ll bring it.  It\u2019s still stuck to this strap, he had to cut it off with his penknife.  That\u2019s kind of you to say so but it wouldn\u2019t have happened to him if he\u2019d put his glasses on.             Yes.  Well he stopped after he lost the second pair of glasses tangled up in somebody\u2019s curlers, all these straight-haired normals, I don\u2019t know\u2026.                      Yes, yes.         Oh can you?  Fantastic!    Thanks, great, thank you so much, we really do appreciate it.  Bye.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Well?<\/font><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Put your coat back on, it was the fat receptionist with the frizzy hair, she\u2019s fitted us in at the end of the surgery.  We might have to wait half an hour or so but you will get seen tonight and she might even fit us in in the dentist\u2019s iron break.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

I hope he can do fomefing clever.  I do hope it ifn\u2019t going to mean a denture.  I can\u2019t fee myfelf wiff a denture. Not one fang in a glaff by the bed.<\/font><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

That was years ago, they don\u2019t do that now.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

What do they do?  Whatever it if I hope there\u2019s lotff of anafetic.  If there time to get a quick fnack?  I\u2019m ftarving. I waffn\u2019t hungry at all but I\u2019m ftarving now.<\/font><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

That\u2019ll be the shock.  I\u2019ll pop a bag of O neg in my pocket for after.  Come on, let\u2019s get you sorted out, then have a good day\u2019s sleep, you\u2019ll be good as new.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

I wiff.<\/font><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

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JaneLaverick.com ageing good graciously.<\/font><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I have a feeling they are going to keep coming back, middle age is like that whether you\u2019re a vampire or not; it\u2019s just one thing after another. 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 Well that was a bit tricky; are you all right? Yeff. … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[15,161],"class_list":["post-246","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-the-parrot-has-landed","tag-humour","tag-vampires"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t