{"id":79,"date":"2009-12-19T21:22:17","date_gmt":"2009-12-19T21:22:17","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.janelaverick.com\/?p=79"},"modified":"2009-12-19T21:22:17","modified_gmt":"2009-12-19T21:22:17","slug":"christmas-assistance-no-6","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.janelaverick.com\/?p=79","title":{"rendered":"Christmas assistance no. 6."},"content":{"rendered":"

Last minute gifts from the hardware store.<\/strong><\/font><\/p>\n

Despite it being on exactly the same day every year<\/em>, even the most prepared of us can be caught out gift buying desperately with half an hour to go till  closing time in a high street shop, in a panic.  Men generally end up in a petrol station shopping for someone they forgot, such as their wife; women in a supermarket for the step family of a second cousin twice removed, the man up the road that no one likes and the milkman\u2019s mother. This year JaneLaverick.com suggests you could make your way very productively to the nearest hardware store.  If you are near one of those old-fashioned shops where the staff wear brown coats and absolutely nothing comes pre-packaged in plastic blisters then you\u2019re in the right place for having an entire shop to yourself and several assistants to help you. I think that not only will you be astounded by the range of recipients whose needs you can fill, but also delighted by the modest size of the final bill.  I wouldn\u2019t be amazed if the staff were so excited by someone doing the Christmas shopping there, they might even give you a discount for novelty value.<\/font><\/p>\n

No 1.  The gift of string.<\/font><\/strong><\/p>\n

Sometimes in the hurly burly of modern life the simplest joys get overlooked.  String is an appropriate gift for all ages from eight years and up.  Give it to an eight year old with instructions for cat\u2019s cradle, give it to a teenager with an overcoat button attached to one end as a new-age low-tech CD carrier.  Give it to a student as a zip\/button\/drawstring replacement clothes fastener, to a twenty-something in mini lengths in Day-Glo colours as a desk top\/stationery gift item.  Give it to a 30 year old cook as a turkey trussing accessory.  Give a man a tough hairy brown roll of string, give your auntie pink string telling her you can\u2019t find a string holder and she\u2019ll make you one and give it back to you.  Give it to your mother with a bit of hand written waffle about how she holds your life together and watch her burst into tears.  Give it to your Gran with big knitting needles and get a tea-cosy back, give it to Grandad and uncles for use in the garden.  The gift of string – according to physicists the whole universe is made of it; I\u2019m not surprised.<\/font><\/p>\n

No 2. Bag o\u2019 nails.<\/font><\/strong><\/p>\n

Proffer in a nice strong brown paper bag and make them assorted.  Better still present them in an old biscuit tin or big washed-out pickle jar.  If you give enough different ones it is likely that many may actually get used, often when all other possibilities are exhausted as in \u2018let\u2019s try one of old so-and-so\u2019s nails\u2019.  You\u2019ll be the one who saved the day. Give nails, get self esteem.<\/font><\/p>\n

No 3. Insulating tape.<\/font><\/strong><\/p>\n

You see, you\u2019d have thought there wasn\u2019t much choice at the hardware store wouldn\u2019t you?  Insulating tape comes in a huge range of colours, all you have to do is present it to the recipient in a colour you know they like and make a little speech about how difficult it was to get their favourite and how well it goes with their eyes\/ears\/plug.  Go mad and get a best mate the entire range.<\/em> That\u2019s a lifetime present, that is, they\u2019ll still be using it when they\u2019re ninety and every time they do they\u2019ll think of you.  You can\u2019t say that about soap on a rope.<\/font><\/p>\n

In  at no 4 it\u2019s \u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026. shoe polish.<\/font><\/strong><\/p>\n

Oh decisions, decisions.  It\u2019s just too easy to go for universal black.  If you\u2019re really cunning you\u2019ll get the see-through stuff and present it murmuring something about \u2018to go with those beautiful two-tone shoes you have that make your feet look so lovely.\u2019  Or again, give a selection box of polishes and with it the glorious, year long dilemma of what colour trainers to have this week.<\/font><\/p>\n

Small whitewood drawer knob.<\/font><\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019m sorry, I lost concentration there, why are hardware shops so flipping cold?  Anyway, a drawer knob.  I have no idea about this one but it was very cheap.  Perhaps I\u2019ll wrap it and put it under the tree for uninvited guests, as a surprise.<\/font><\/p>\n

No 6. A full set of plastic curtain hooks.<\/font><\/strong><\/p>\n

Isn\u2019t it amazing how when you go Christmas shopping you always see something you want for yourself?  You wouldn\u2019t believe the difficulty I had when I made curtains last week, getting the right hooks to fit the ancient rails.  Apparently curtain rails are a thing of fashion, whim and constant change.  I trekked, absolutely trekked all round this damn town.  Every shop sells a different rail and the hooks to go with them.  Who ever says, \u2018Oh one of the odd jobs to do in the house this week is to change all the curtain rails to keep in fashion?\u2019  Nobody, that\u2019s who.  Then when you make new curtains and all the plastic hooks, dried out by the sun, snap when you take them out of the old curtains, you\u2019re stuffed.  I would have given anything for a box with a packet each of all that were available, I so would. There\u2019s still one end of a curtain where I ran out of hooks that worked,  which is hanging precariously off bent paper clips.  Be thoughtful, give curtain hooks this Christmas.<\/font><\/p>\n

No 7.  Tile grout.<\/font><\/strong><\/p>\n

It comes in dozens of different colours, blue, brown, red, black white.  Who knew? Get a tub to match their socks and be hailed as a humorist. Get a tub of mould colour for the bathroom and be adored by whoever has the job of cleaning with a toothbrush in between the tiles.<\/font><\/p>\n

No 8. Last year\u2019s runner beans.<\/font><\/strong><\/p>\n

Ideal educational gift for children.  It will teach them patience because it\u2019s going to be months before they get to plant them.  Meanwhile they can use them as a learning-to-count aid, where the hardness of the ancient bean will be a positive quality.  Keep them in the strong packet and shake.  Voila! Instant musical instrument.   Not only would you not get this with next year\u2019s soft beans, it\u2019s not a waste because and you know they\u2019re only going to dig them up to see if they\u2019re growing.  Buyer\u2019s tip: ask for a discount because they\u2019re last year\u2019s beans.  Clear out the Clearance Items seed box,  get a quantity discount and a grateful retailer, and children with many packets each.<\/em><\/font><\/p>\n

No 9.  Three tins of wood stain and a piece of wood.<\/font><\/strong><\/p>\n

Put it in a shoe box and write on the lid \u2018Wood work kit\u2019.  Many a TV D.I.Y. expert got started this way.  Probably.  Add a piece of rag and write \u2018Super\u2019 on the lid.  Add three pieces of rag and write \u2018Complete\u2019 on the lid. 
Add a small whitewood drawer knob and the word \u2018kitchen\u2019 between \u2018Super, complete\u2019 and \u2018wood work kit\u2019 to be mentioned ever after when they take people round the kitchen.  (But don\u2019t forget to put a different surprise guest item under the tree.  A packet of beans, mayhap.)<\/font><\/p>\n

No 10. Old fashioned hand-written till receipt.<\/font><\/strong><\/p>\n

Ideal gift for a history buff.  The wonderful free bonus to almost finish your wonderful, easy, stress-free Christmas shopping experience.  <\/font><\/p>\n

To perfect the experience add a roll of shelf-lining paper in 1970s Spirograph patterns (colours: orange and brown, orange and blue, orange and puce, orange and orange) and a tube of clear-drying all-purpose glue for that retro-wrapping finishing touch.  Job Done!<\/font><\/p>\n

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If you are reading this in the UK on Sunday 19th and want something real from the virtual shop on this site for a Christmas present, as I post first class tracked, there is a good possibility it will get to you if I post it tomorrow. I\u2019ll email you the tracking details so you can watch it arriving.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

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Or, you could go to the hardware shop.<\/font><\/p>\n

 <\/font><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Last minute gifts from the hardware store. Despite it being on exactly the same day every year, even the most prepared of us can be caught out gift buying desperately with half an hour to go till  closing time in … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-79","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-the-parrot-has-landed"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t