{"id":95,"date":"2010-01-10T23:35:03","date_gmt":"2010-01-10T23:35:03","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.janelaverick.com\/?p=95"},"modified":"2010-01-10T23:35:03","modified_gmt":"2010-01-10T23:35:03","slug":"knickerbocker-glory","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.janelaverick.com\/?p=95","title":{"rendered":"Knickerbocker Glory"},"content":{"rendered":"

Ten years ago I thought it might be interesting to be a radio writer.  Armed with a stopwatch and a tape recorder I devised six half hour comedy radio programmes, wrote them down, with some difficulty, as at the time I had a borrowed processor, an old TV and no printer and submitted the result to BBC radio.  For much of a year the scripts sat in a corridor somewhere before winging their way back home.  I called them Knickerbocker Glory after the ice cream confection because they were a sweet little dollop of this and that with a cherry on the top.  The cherry was always a playlet about the great detective, Millennium Domes and his side kick, Watsup but on the way several regular features gave shape and rhythm to the full confection.<\/font><\/p>\n

For at least the next 12 Mondays I thought you\u2019d like a dollop of my pudding to start the week. I hope the Pantomime last week has introduced you to the joys of reading dialogue \u2013 you get to play all the characters; I\u2019m sure you\u2019ll be brilliant.  If you want to practise and award yourself an Oscar at the end, it will be well deserved, no doubt.  Over the next 12 weeks or so, you can work on the acceptance speech and I\u2019ll dish up the very best bits of Knickerbocker Glory.<\/font><\/p>\n

*******************************************************<\/font><\/p>\n

                               Knickerbocker Glory.<\/font><\/strong><\/p>\n

                                The Speaking Watch
<\/strong>(In which we first meet Uncle Reg\u2019s niece.)<\/em><\/font><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>     Hello caller, you\u2019re through to the speaking watch
                        a division of the Uncle Reg phone service.  Well, it 
                        will be when the rest of the service is done but it 
                        isn\u2019t yet.  So it isn\u2019t a division at all really.  \u2019Cause 
                        there\u2019s nothing to divide.  But it will be when there
                        is. Hang on, I\u2019ll just switch on the thing that does
                        the pips. There. At the third stroke it will be big
                        hand nearly at the top, little hand almost at the one
                        with two lines.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Pip, pip, pip.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>    Oh dear, it\u2019s moved again.  At the third stroke it will
                        probably be right at the top and ready to go down 
                        the other side.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Pip, pip, pip.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>    There you are, it has.  I knew it would do that, I\u2019ve
                        been sitting here for hours and it does it every time.
                        Like clockwork, ha ha. There it goes.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Pip, pip, pip.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>    I wish it would stop.  It gets me so flustered. 
                       There\u2019s hardly time to see it and get it right before<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Pip, pip, pip.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>     How can I possibly keep up?  Uncle Reg didn\u2019t warn
                       me about this, all he said was: It\u2019s very easy my<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Pip, pip, pip.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>    girl. You have to have a pleasant speaking voice and
                        it\u2019s light repetitive work.  He never mentioned 
                        anything about being able to tell the time.  The big
                        hand\u2019s well on the way to the next number now, by
                        the way.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Pip, pip, pip.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>    I thought it would be digital.  I thought it would be
                        just like the station clock.  That\u2019s easy the numbers<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Pip, pip, pip.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>      flip over and you read them off.  I thought it would
                        say one nothing dot dot three five and stuff like that<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Pip, pip, pip.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>    and you could read it out and say: precisely.  As it is
                        I\u2019ve got such a headache squinting at this little watch
                        and Uncle<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Pip, pip, pip.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s niece<\/u><\/strong>    Reg has gone off to have a cup of tea.  I can tell you
                        this is giving me the <\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Pip, pip, pip.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Click, brrrrrrrrr.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

           ———————————————————————-<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

(Well done, I thought you read that beautifully.  How are you on regional accents?  It doesn\u2019t have to be a Devon accent, anywhere will do. The main idea, as in all radio programmes involving on-location enthusiasts, is that the enthusiasm will zing over the airwaves full blast, compensating for the lack of visual clues, difficulties with the sound recording and, of course, unscheduled interruptions.  Of course it doesn\u2019t, hence the saying: take six.  You\u2019ll need three accents for this: one rural, one normal and one as irritating as you can get.  Ready for your audition?  Here we go with episode one of\u2026\u2026.)<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

                                          Archaeology Now.<\/font><\/strong><\/p>\n

(Quick burst of early English theme music: tambours and shawms.)<\/em>
                                                 Tiles.<\/strong><\/font><\/p>\n

Very Devon<\/u><\/strong>     \u2019Ello and welcome to Archaeology Now with me, Very
                  Devon and my assistant, Derek Here. Today we are 
                  down in a field in the West Country where a farmer
                  has unearthed what might be the remains of a Mediaeval
                  barn or a Roman shopping centre or a Victorian oast
                  house; we\u2019re a bit unwilling to commit ourselves at this
                  stage.  Derek Here \u2019as been diggin’ all morning.  What
                  you got, Derek?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Derek Here<\/font><\/u><\/strong>    Mainly backache, Dev and this interesting bit of tile.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Very Devon  <\/u><\/strong>    Oh that is interestin’.  It\u2019s about \u2026\u2026.\u2019ow long would 
                 you say that was?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Derek Here <\/u><\/strong>   I\u2019d say it\u2019s two inches long by an inch wide.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Very Devon    <\/u><\/strong>  Well we\u2019ll say between one centimetre and six foot long
                  to be on the safe side and quite wide.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Derek Here<\/u><\/strong>    I\u2019ve measured it.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Very Devon<\/u><\/strong>    \u2019Ave you?  Still no need to go jumpin’ in with rash 
                 attributions at this stage.  What colour would you say 
                 that is, Derek?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Derek Here<\/u><\/strong><\/font><\/font>    Well, Dev, I would describe that as red.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Very Devon<\/font><\/u><\/strong>    Would you? I would say it was red tendin’ to reddish 
                 brown with overtones of mud. But only if you pushed
                 me. \u2019Ave we got a date on it?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Coracle Man<\/u><\/strong> <\/font><\/font>  I think I can help.  I can date that to exactly half past 
                 five on a Tuesday afternoon, 1636.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Very Devon<\/u><\/strong><\/font><\/font>     \u2019Oo are you, then?  And why are you wearin’ a boat?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Coracle Man<\/u><\/strong>   It\u2019s a coracle.  I\u2019m a coracled chronicler.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Very Devon<\/u><\/strong>    No you\u2019re not. You\u2019re just a bloke dressed up. Push
                 off!<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Coracle Man<\/u><\/strong>   But I want to be on Archaeology Now and dig up
                 exciting stuff.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Very Devon<\/u><\/strong>    Go away.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Coracle Man<\/font><\/u><\/strong>     I can hum the theme tune.<\/font><\/p>\n

Very Devon<\/u><\/strong>      Push off!  Tell him, Derek.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Derek Here<\/u><\/strong>      Go away, like he says.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Coracle Man<\/u><\/strong>    I want to be an archaeologist. I\u2019ve got my own coracle
                  and everything.  I can help with reconstructions. Look, it
                  nearly floats.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Very Devon<\/u><\/strong>     Poppin’<\/font><\/font>  a coracle in a puddle dunt impress me. I\u2019ve
                 \u2019andled more bits of the Mary Rose than you\u2019ve \u2019ad \u2019ot
                 dinners.  Now push off. I\u2019m tryin’ to record a
                 programme.<\/font><\/p>\n

Coracle Man<\/u><\/strong>   But I could leap from trench to trench.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Derek Here<\/u><\/strong>    Leaping around trenches breaks the edges.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Coracle Man<\/u><\/strong>   I could amble.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Very Devon<\/u><\/strong>     Look \u2019ere, take your boat,<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Coracle Man<\/u><\/strong>      Coracle.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Very Devon<\/u><\/strong>     ..little vinyl coracle and punt off.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Derek Here<\/u><\/strong>    Dev, it\u2019s beginning to rain.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Coracle Man<\/u><\/strong>     I can help if it rains. You could shelter under my coracle
                 while you excavate.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Very Devon<\/u><\/strong>    If you was a proper archaeologist you would know that
                 when it rains we go off down the pub.  Right, listeners,
                 Derek Here will pop a tarpaulin on it and we\u2019ll be back
                 later this afternoon.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Derek Here<\/font><\/u><\/strong>    If it fairs up.<\/font><\/p>\n

Very Devon<\/u><\/strong>    If it fairs up.  Come on, Derek.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Their voices fade slowly into the distance.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Coracle Man<\/u><\/strong>   Can I come back after the break?  I can bring my lute.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Very and Derek <\/u><\/strong>(together) <\/em>No!<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Coracle Man<\/u><\/strong>  It looks quite real.  I made it out of matchsticks.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Very Devon<\/u><\/strong>   Go away.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Coracle Man<\/u><\/strong>  I can hum the theme tune.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

(Theme tune)<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

———————————————————————————-<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Well that was your first helping of Knickerbocker Glory, I hope it\u2019ll keep you going right through Monday.  Uncle Reg\u2019s niece and the archaeologists will be back for a second dollop next week.  How did you do with the acting?  I would suggest practising in front of a mirror but as it was written for radio it\u2019s probably more authentic to do it with your eyes shut.  Not on the train, though, you\u2019ll miss your stop and all the other passengers will think you\u2019ve gone mad and get off early.  You\u2019ll have the carriage all to yourself, mad reader.  On second thoughts maybe you should practise out loud, very loud, with your eyes shut.  It won\u2019t deter the ticket inspector though, they live on public transport and are quite used to lunacy.<\/font><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Ten years ago I thought it might be interesting to be a radio writer.  Armed with a stopwatch and a tape recorder I devised six half hour comedy radio programmes, wrote them down, with some difficulty, as at the time … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[21],"tags":[15,22],"class_list":["post-95","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-knickerbocker-glory","tag-humour","tag-radio-play"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t