{"id":98,"date":"2010-01-17T23:44:34","date_gmt":"2010-01-17T23:44:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.janelaverick.com\/?p=98"},"modified":"2010-01-17T23:44:34","modified_gmt":"2010-01-17T23:44:34","slug":"knickerbocker-glory-2nd-dollop","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.janelaverick.com\/?p=98","title":{"rendered":"Knickerbocker Glory, 2nd dollop."},"content":{"rendered":"

Oh no, it\u2019s Monday morning; oh good, it\u2019s Knickerbocker Glory!<\/font><\/p>\n

Welcome to the second dollop of very tall ice cream pudding I cooked up for the radio long ago, which never got even slightly licked.  With the Golden Globes rising in the west here comes your  chance to find out if you could have big yellow balls of your own.  Mercifully with radio there are no visuals, so if you do discover potential for shiny sphericals, you can keep it between you and the bathroom mirror, or the park bench and the passers by, or your corner seat of the train, or wherever it is you like to unleash your inner actor, dear heart.  As you are going to do all the voices, you won\u2019t have to share the red carpet with anyone but the little old lady with the vacuum cleaner, who is always just out of shot, tutting at the camera operators walking backwards with muddy shoes.<\/font><\/p>\n

Well, if you are ready for your close-up, the first piece is a soliloquy, which is posh for just you, being Uncle Reg\u2019s Niece, who is trying her inadequate best to run a run a phone service, so her uncle can make you text M_O_N_E_Y to him.  I don\u2019t think it\u2019s going to be very profitable, somehow\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026\u2026.<\/font><\/p>\n

*********************************************************<\/font><\/p>\n

                                     Recipe Line.<\/strong><\/font><\/p>\n

Throughout this piece we hear distant quacking.
Phone rings, dialling tone..<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Uncle Reg\u2019s Niece<\/u><\/strong>   Hello and thank you for calling the Uncle Reg phone service recipe line.  The recipe for today is carrot cake.  Actually that\u2019s odd, isn\u2019t it?  Because carrots are a vegetable and cake is, you know, cake.  I mean you don\u2019t get broccoli cake, or little iced fancies decorated with cucumbers, do you?  Well you couldn\u2019t have cucumbers anyway because they\u2019re too long.  You could cut them, I suppose.  My auntie cuts them in all pretty shapes and puts them in salads.  But they\u2019re meant to go in salads.  Well anyway, they are when my auntie does them because she knows about cooking and that.  I don\u2019t.  I\u2019m just here to read the recipe.  Anyway.  Carrot cake.  Here\u2019s the ingredients.  That\u2019s what you have to have to make it.  You have to have an oven too but it doesn\u2019t say that.  If you didn\u2019t have an oven it would be raw.  Salads are raw but that\u2019s all right.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Right, I\u2019ll read that again slowly so you can write it down and I\u2019ll put in the missing bits.  Are you ready? Right.  C-a-r-r-o-t c-a-k-e. I-n-g-r-e-d-i-e-n-t-s.  An oven.  A kitchen.  A sink.  You\u2019ll need that for washing up afterwards.  Two hundred g carrots.  I wonder what the \u2018g\u2019 stands for?  It just says g.  Look.  Oh, you can\u2019t, silly me.  Well it does, take my word for it.  g?  g?  Sometimes the teacher used to write g on my homework book.  It meant good.  G for good, see?  It\u2019s the first letter of it.<\/font><\/p>\n

So.  An oven, a kitchen, a sink, two hundred good carrots.  That\u2019s a lot, isn\u2019t it?  Maybe it\u2019s a big cake.  Fifty good flour.  That\u2019s odd, it doesn\u2019t say how much.  Bags, probably.  Fifty good big bags of flour.  Fifty good margarine.  Sugar, oh good, I like sugar.  A hundred good bags of sugar.  That\u2019s a lot.  Two eggs.  Well, how mean!  You\u2019ll have a kitchen full of carrots and flour and sugar and just two teeny little eggs.  They\u2019ll get lost.<\/font><\/p>\n

Right.  M-e-t-h-o-d.  That means what you have to do.  Grate the carrots or shred them in a food processor.  It doesn\u2019t say so but you have to put the lid on the food processor or it goes all over the kitchen.  Up the walls and everywhere.  It was even dripping off the ceiling.  <\/font><\/p>\n

Mix all the ingredients and place in a medium oven.  No, that\u2019s a mistake, surely.  You see, this is my first time doing this and already I\u2019m spotting mistakes.  Mix all the ingredients and place in a very big oven. Cook for forty-five minutes.  Turn on a wire rack to cool.  And then, it doesn\u2019t say so, but after that you eat it.<\/font><\/p>\n

So that\u2019s the recipe for today and you can ring me up tomorrow for a different one.  I want to do this properly, like a career because Uncle Reg says thousands are unemployed but not me and he definitely will pay me as soon as we start making some money, so I\u2019m going to practise and become an expert.  With a bit of luck tomorrow\u2019s is going to be duck stuffed with oranges.<\/font><\/p>\n

Furious quacking.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Yes it is.  Now don\u2019t be naughty.  It\u2019s either eat the navel oranges, or I shall put the satsumas up the other end, it\u2019s up to you.<\/font><\/p>\n

Quack, quack, click brrr.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

********************************************************<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Oh dahling, dahling, the microphone LOVES you.  Before you thank your entire family and the milkman it\u2019s time for Archaeology Now.  You need three voices for this, one rural, one normal and one as irritating as you can get.  Practise irritating voices on people in the street and when they start hitting you, you know you\u2019ve got it right. <\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

**********************************************************<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

                    <\/em>                 Archaeology Now
                                            Bollards.<\/strong><\/font><\/p>\n

Quick burst of theme music, mainly tambours and shawms.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Very Devon<\/u><\/strong>     ‘Ello and welcome to Archaeology Now with me, Very
               Devon and my assistant, Derek Here.  This week we are
               on the banks of a river up north, where an exceptionally
               low tide \u2019as exposed what might be a Saxon boat or a
               Roman pier or possibly an Edwardian bandstand.  We\u2019re
               keeping our options open at the moment.  So far Derek
               Here \u2019as found four bits of timber, a couple of \u2019andmade
               nails and a modern supermarket trolley.  He\u2019s struggling
               a bit in the backwash because there are boats going up
               and down the river all the time.  What do you think of
               the boats, Derek?<\/font><\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Derek Here<\/u><\/strong>    Bollards Dev.  I\u2019ve found a couple of bollards.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Very Devon<\/u><\/strong>     Well that is good news, if indeed they are bollards.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Derek Here<\/u><\/strong>    Well one of them has \u2018bollard\u2019 carved on it and it\u2019s
                got the remains of a boat tied to it with a bit of rope.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Very Devon<\/u><\/strong>     Still, no need to go jumping in with rash attributions
                at this stage.  I think we\u2019ll leave the bollards to the boys
                in the lab.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Huge splash.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Very Devon<\/u><\/strong>      My goodness, that boat came a bit near.  Are you all
                 right, Derek?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Derek Here<\/u><\/strong>     I\u2019m only completely soaked, thanks, Dev, but I\u2019ve
                managed to hold on to my bollards and as long as another
                boat doesn\u2019t come past we\u2019ll be able to see them when
                the water subsides.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Feeble splashing of oars.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Coracle Man<\/u><\/strong>     I think I can help.  I could get between you and the big
                 boats and act as a breakwater.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Very Devon<\/u><\/strong>      \u2019Eaven \u2019elp us, it\u2019s that idiot in the coracle.  What\u2019s \u2019e
                 got with \u2019im?<\/font><\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Coracle Man<\/u><\/strong>     It\u2019s my lute.  I thought I\u2019d come and sing atmospheric
                 ditties. I\u2019m a coracled chanter.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Very Devon<\/u><\/strong>      I don\u2019t care if you\u2019re a bagpipe chanter.  We don\u2019t
                need \u2019elp.  Paddle off.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Coracle Man<\/u><\/strong>   No, I can help.  I want to be helpful.  Where\u2019s the dig?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Derek Here<\/u><\/strong>     Under your boat.  Can you get him off, Devon? He\u2019s
                bashing my bollards with his oars.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Coracle Man<\/u><\/strong>     Sorry, I\u2019ll paddle out a bit.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Splashing.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Coracle Man<\/u><\/strong>    (Shouting) <\/em>What are you exacavating?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Very Devon<\/u><\/strong>      It might be a Saxon boat. Not that it\u2019s any of your
                business.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Coracle Man<\/u><\/strong>     Oh Saxons.  I love the Saxons.
                 (Sings) <\/em>Oh Beowulf was a Saxon girl
                 And her father he was hopping
                 When she crashed his car at a roundabout
                 While taking her friends out shopping.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Very Devon<\/u><\/strong>       But we don\u2019t know that for certain.  It could be a
                 Roman pier.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Coracle Man<\/u><\/strong>     Even better.  I really love the Romans.
                 (Sings) <\/em>Oh Wayne he was a Roman boy
                 And his mother was not very pleased
                 He broke her mobile telephone
                 By dropping it when he sneezed.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Derek Here<\/u><\/strong>      You don\u2019t know anything about history, anyway
                 it might be an Edwardian bandstand.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Coracle Man<\/u><\/strong>     (Quickly, sings) <\/em>Oh there was an Edwardian laser
                 disk\u2026\u2026\u2026.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Very and Derek<\/u><\/strong>    (Together) <\/em>Push off!<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Coracle Man<\/u><\/strong>       Don\u2019t you want my little ditties?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Very Devon<\/font><\/u><\/strong>         No.<\/font><\/p>\n

Coracle Man<\/u><\/strong>      You can have a go in my coracle.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Derek Here<\/u><\/strong>       Actually, Dev, now the water\u2019s receding I can make out
                 more carving on this bollard.  There\u2019s an address and a
                 date.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Very Devon<\/u><\/strong>       Really?  \u2019Ow fantastic.  What is it?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Derek Here<\/u><\/strong>      1976.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Very Devon<\/u><\/strong>      Oh is it?  Let\u2019s \u2019ave a look.  Oh yes, so it is.  Well
                 that needs thinking about.  Do you want to climb out
                 then?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Huge sucking noise.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Coracle Man<\/u><\/strong>        Aren\u2019t you going to excavate any more?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Very Devon<\/u><\/strong>     (Quietly) <\/em>Can \u2019e get ashore \u2019ere?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Derek Here<\/u><\/strong>     Only if he\u2019s got waders.  The mud is about three feet
                deep.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Very Devon<\/u><\/strong>      (Shouting) <\/em>What kind of shoes are you wearing?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Coracle Man<\/u><\/strong>    Suede lace-ups.  Why?<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Very Devon<\/u><\/strong>     In that case I think we\u2019ll pop a tarpaulin over it and head
                for the pub.<\/font><\/font><\/p>\n

Theme tune.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

*****************************************************<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Dahling dahling, you were adorable.  All that remains is to rise from your seat, smile tremulously at all your friends, smile radiantly at your enemies, check the sequins are stuck to your chest and all is safely gathered in, or, if you were very desperate, safely falling out and strut your stuff through the tables, up the stairs and there you are\u2026..you\u2019re on! <\/em><\/font><\/p>\n

   <\/em>I would like to thank my director, Jane, my sound recordist, me, my make-up person, me again, my mother for having me, my Uni for chucking me out, without which I would never have started waitressing, my personal trainer, my stylist, my frock cobbler, me again, my father, the postman who looks so much like me, my cat, my dog and me again.  I utterly love and adore this golden globe.  Isn\u2019t it heavy?  It will make a wonderful doorstop. (Big smile, wait for the laugh)<\/em>  I deserve this, I so very truly do.  No, really. When I think of all the reading, the minutes of practise, the woman opposite who is looking at me strangely for reading aloud on the train\u2026\u2026\u2026.all I can say is, oh flipping heck, it\u2019s my stop. Briefcase. Umbrella.  Phone in pocket.<\/font><\/p>\n

                     ______________________________<\/font><\/p>\n

JaneLaverick.com – starting Monday morning off just right.<\/font><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Oh no, it\u2019s Monday morning; oh good, it\u2019s Knickerbocker Glory! Welcome to the second dollop of very tall ice cream pudding I cooked up for the radio long ago, which never got even slightly licked.  With the Golden Globes rising … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[21],"tags":[15,22],"class_list":["post-98","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-knickerbocker-glory","tag-humour","tag-radio-play"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t