For lo ’tis the third week of January, the antidote to Black Friday and those nights you lay awake wondering what meaningful socks to get your uncle and whether you should succumb and buy another little something for yourself. Now here you are in January, wishing that instead of a silk blouse which is too tight after all that eating and likely to rip with the shivering, you just had the readies now for nice din dins. You may even have seen those news reports where some boffin has worked out how little we need to eat to save the planet. One third of an egg a day. Someone will come up with a two thirds of an egg keepfesh item which will only cost £87.63 and come payday (yes it will, eventually) I will have a blue one, or a yellow one or not. I may even continue eating an entire egg at a go because I am simply reckless.
Gym? No. Why does no one ever buy anyone a gym membership as a Christmas present? One you could return, saying it wasn’t in your colour, get their money back and have some reduced price boxed chocolates instead. I had some of those at the health food store, they were so reduced I bought two boxes. They were fat free, also gluten, soya, chocolate, and dairy free. Yet, amazingly, they still managed to taste horrible. So that was why they were so very reduced.
For lo the third week in January. If we bought clothes a size bigger in November, would that make us feel better, fatter, in January, or just less inclined to us the gym membership we were given for Christmas and haven’t got round to taking back yet? (‘This doesn’t fit me, I need one with less treadmill and a bit more sitting around.’ ‘I am sorry fatso, would you like to swap it for something else? We have a two for one dumb belles offer this week, would fit you perfectly.’)
This is the time to stop shopping and start using all the stuff we were given. I will now unwrap the hand made soap and give it a go. My cousin’s son’s children bought me strawberry hand cream, I will actually unscrew the cap and spread it on my cracked digits. The OH bought me a wooden art box, I will now fill it with the watercolour stuff I bought myself and actually paint a picture.
Wear those socks? Wrap that scarf! Struggle into those leggings! Break that toy! Leave that boot scraper outside! Try really hard to get everything used this week because next week is payday and, thank goodness, we are all back to normal.