Three loud knocks. Sound of a heavy door opening.
Top god Greetings mortal. Who comes to Olympus to seek the
aid of the gods? Step forward and identify yourself.
Mortal Erm hello, I’m Marcus, son of Heracles.
Top god You look rather puny.
Mortal I work out. A bit.
Top god Is he the only candidate?
2nd god Sorry, oh great one. You can’t get the help these days.
Top god I suppose he’ll do but I’m not impressed. Very well,
mortal, we, the gods, will gift you with…..what are we
going to gift him with?
2nd god Gifts.
Top god I know we’re going to gift him with gifts. Obviously
we’re going to gift him with gifts. What sort of gifts?
2nd god Oh, you know, gifts, special offers, leftovers.
Top god Well you might show a bit more enthusiasm. Give me
the first thing. Thank you. Oh mortal, we, the gods,
gift you with this, this…..what is this?
2nd god It’s the helmet of invisible hold.
Top god Looks like hairspray to me. We gift you with this helmet
of invisible hold to give you all day sleekness in the
strongest wind. It is hairspray. Well, there you are.
Mortal Thank you. I hope it’s unperfumed or I’ll get a rash.
2nd god No, you’re all right, it’s hypo-allergenic.
Top god We gift you with the hypo-allergenic helmet of invisible
hold and these sandals of, well, trainers of – are these
flying sandals?
2nd god They’re for walking on air.
Top god Ah, that’s more like it. Sandals for walking in the air.
2nd god No, walking on air. There are millions of little bubbles
in the soles. Look, where the trim is coming off the
sides, you can see, it’s all foamy.
Top god Foamy trainers, we gift you foamy trainers to go with
the hairspray. These gifts are rubbish, haven’t we got
any of the old fashioned things? What about a shield?
2nd god All day confidence and personal freshness?
Top god No, no, no, not deodorant. Personal armaments to
make him look big and muscular.
Mortal Have you any neoprene racing shorts?
Top god Silence mortal, you’ll get what you’re given. What else
have you got in the box?
2nd god The mobile phone of distant communication?
Top god You know we can’t get a signal up here. Pass the box
to me. What are these?
2nd god The socks of progress. 99% cotton, 1% heat expanding
rubber granules. They never shrink, even in a boil wash.
Top god Do you want them?
Mortal I’m not sure. What else have you got?
Top god The key ring of noise. You shout and it goes beep. The
stick of moles. You stick it in your lawn and it frightens
moles away. The anti-slip bathmat. The miracle can-
opener. The miracle mildew remover. And a miracle
plastic seed hopper that sticks miraculously to your
window to encourage birds to fly miraculously into it.
Just what is this load of rubbish? Has someone been
phoning a catalogue hotline using my credit card again?
2nd god They looked good in the photographs.
Mortal Actually I wouldn’t mind the beeping key ring.
Top god How will a pair of trainers, a key ring and hairspray…..
2nd god Hypo-allergenic hairspray.
Top god Any kind of hairspray! How will they help you fight
The Ogre of Throps, or defeat the Ten Legged Monster
of the Ocean Deeps, or the Niborg of Zarp?
Mortal Oh I haven’t go to do any of them. They’re not on
the list. Especially that last one. That sounds nasty.
Top god What then, puny mortal, is your quest?
Mortal I’ve been sent to rid the village of double glazing
salesmen.
Top god Is that all?
Mortal Well, no, afterwards there’s going to be a wet T-shirt
contest and I get to pick the winner.
2nd god You’ll be wanting the deodorant then, and the mobile.
Mortal Great. Thanks.
2nd god You’re welcome. Bye.
A door slams. Tentative knocking. A door opens.
Mortal Would it be all right if I had the socks? If no one
wants them? These trainers are a bit loose, if I wear
them without socks, I’ll get a blister. Okay. Great
thanks. Thanks now. Bye.
***********************************
JaneLaverick.com – bringing the classics right up to date.