Have you been waiting with bated breath for your next visit to the Da Da DAAA! Village of the Dim? Gosh I hope so. Once more we direct our feet to the cradle whence sprang the stupidest detective’s assistant ever. As a breed the fictional detective’s sidekick has to be possessed of a fine degree of ignorance so that the detective can explain to him, for the benefit of the audience, just what exactly is going on. As a result we’re never looking for any variety of exam-level thinking in the assistant. Watsup, however, abuses the privilege to such an extent we would suspect he was having a laugh, unless it is clear that both of his brain cells are working at full capacity all the time. And it is and they are. You could probably use his head as a radiator.
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The Village of the Dim.
The holey roads.
Rural music, birdsong.
Ethereal voice And in the warm afternoon sunshine, mist around
bedtime and a 5% chance of rain tomorrow, you join
us once again in the
FX Da Da Da!
Ethereal voice Village of the Dim, which is not looking its best. As
far as the eye can see, mysterious holes have appeared
in roads, pavements and garden paths. However, help
is at hand in the form of the great detective, Millennium
Domes and his idiot sidekick, Watsup, Doctor of
Density and former village resident.
Domes Enlighten me, Watsup,
Watsup (grunts and groans)
Domes Put me down! Put me down! Thank you. I thought
we had agreed that you would listen to the rest of the
sentence before taking action?
Watsup Sorry, Domes, I thought you’d finished and I just sort
of got carried away.
Domes And so, very nearly, did I. Now, about the holes in the
roads. How did you receive intelligence of them?
Watsup From my Uncle.
Domes Who is?
Watsup My Uncle. Married to my Aunt.
Domes Quite, Watsup, quite. I was alluding to his position in
the village.
Watsup Oh, all over the place. Hardly stays still at all, on
account of him being the Warden, you see.
Domes Warden of what, Watsup?
Watsup Park and gardens, traffic, old person’s home, highway
and byway, dog.
Domes How busy he must be, Watsup.
Watsup Well it’s not a big village, Domes, so having these
jobs allows my Uncle to practise his great skill for the
benefit of the community.
Domes Which is?
Watsup All the people who live in the village, Domes. All
of them. The lot. I’m surprised you don’t
know that.
Domes Quite, and his skill is?
Watsup Walking, Domes. No doubt of it, he’s the walker of
the family. Steady on his feet, too and on a good
day he can hold a conversation while remaining
ambulant. Naturally the family and, indeed, the
villagers, hold him in high esteem. So it was he who
alerted me to the holes all over the village, being in
a good position to spot them, because of his job.
May I sit down?
Domes Indeed you may, poor fellow, that was a long speech.
While you sit on this wall I will question the honest
road sweeper here.
Watsup Is it worth it, Domes? I fear he may not be very
bright.
Domes Possibly not but he is just the man to have noticed
when the holes first began to appear. Excuse me,
honest road sweeper.
Sweeper Squotty diddle dinglflap. You can go by, yes.
Domes Can you tell me when these holes first began to
appear?
Sweeper Holes?
Domes There are holes all over the road. You are, in fact,
standing in one of them. How long have they been
there?
Sweeper Six inches.
Domes Let me put this another way. Were these holes here
yesterday?
Sweeper Little yellow jumper.
Watsup I fear we are not going to get much sense out of him
Domes.
Sweeper Thank you for the boomerang.
Domes Indeed not, Watsup. We need to question some
more sensible people. Is there a location nearby
where many villagers congregate?
Sweeper Fol de riddle, look at the moo cows.
Watsup We could try the teashop.
Sweeper Oh who will buy my big green bogey?
Domes If you are up to running, we may be able to
lose the road sweeper, Watsup.
Watsup He does seem to have taken rather a shine to us
doesn’t he?
Sweeper Come back, Mr President, I’ll show you how my
brush works!
Domes Run Watsup, run.
Tinkly shop bell
Domes Well here we are in the teashop of the
FX Da Da Da!
Domes Village of the Dim, Watsup. But there don’t seem to
be many villagers present.
Watsup You’re quite right Domes, there aren’t. Which is
very odd because it is tea time and this is the teashop.
It’s usually very busy. Perhaps we could ask the
proprietor, Mrs Cakemix.
Domes My goodness, Watsup, what an enormous spread!
Watsup Oh I shouldn’t mention that, Domes, she’s very
sensitive about her waistline. Occupational hazard
you know.
Domes I was referring to her expansive collation upon the
table, Watsup.
Watsup Well as long as she’s not resting it on the food,
Domes, I can’t see any harm in it.
Domes Quite, Watsup. Could you introduce us?
Watsup Well, you’re Domes and I’m Watsup. Hello.
Domes Could you introduce us to Mrs Cakemix?
Watsup Ah, I see. Hello Mrs Cakemix, this is my friend
Millennium Domes, the great detective.
Mrs Cakemix Pleased I’m sure, Mr Domes and hello young
Watsup. How is life in the big city? Are you eating
regular? You can have some of this spread but not
yet. It’s for after the show.
Watsup My goodness, Mrs Cakemix, what a lot of food. If
I might say, it’s not your usual menu.
Mrs Cakemix What an observant boy you are. I always said you
would go far. Remember when the church fell
down the mineshaft and you noticed it straight off?
Everyone was wondering what was missing and you
spotted the spire sticking out of the hole? You can’t
have been much older than twenty seven at the time
and sharp as a rug even then. Pity about the verger,
still, never mind.
Domes Have you known Watsup long, Mrs Cakemix?
Mrs Cakemix Ever since he and my Hubert were old enough to
play ‘Guess who has hidden the teapot down their
nappy’ and that’s going back some, I can tell you.
Watsup This food looks most unusual, Mrs Cakemix.
Mrs Cakemix It’s Mexicali, dear, now there’s a thing. I went
on a daytrip from the
FX Da Da Da!
Mrs Cakemix Village of the Dim to the seaside and had lunch in
a Mexican restaurant. It’s all the rage, you know.
So I’ve adapted it a bit, Dim style, to suit local
tastes. Instead of refried beans, which sounds a bit
indigestible, I’ve done reboiled cabbage. I’ve done
cucumber sauce instead of chilli sauce and these
things are Tacos. Well it’s really just pancakes, you
know. Some have got gravy and crisps in them. I
had trouble keeping the gravy inside at first but I
added extra flour and boiled it up until it set. So now
I can just slice it and it sticks the two halves of the
pancake together lovely. And I’ve piped an S for
savoury sauce right there on the top of
them so you can tell them apart from these which
have got a slice of custard inside and a S on the top
for sweet.
Watsup How clever! What are these pies that appear to be
crawling away?
Mrs Cakemix Oh they’re just tortoises, that’s a very Mexican
thing, that is. They’re only for garnish but I shall
cling film the lot in a minute and that should keep
them still. All I’ve got to do now is look out my
gramophone record of ‘Walk in the Black Forest’
to give the foreign atmosphere and I’ll join you in
the village hall in just a minute. Turn the sign to
closed on your way out, there’s a love.
Watsup I shall do that. It was lovely to see you again, Mrs
Cakemix.
Tinkly shop bell
Domes Is it far to the village hall, Watsup?
Watsup It’s just round this corner, Domes. My goodness
what a long queue of villagers.
Domes I wonder why they are all carrying newspaper
packages, Watsup? Pass the queue and let us
enter the hall.
Background commotion of voices
Domes And here I fancy the mystery is solved, Watsup.
Watsup Good gracious, Domes. Why are all the villagers
producing chunks of missing path, road and
pavement and putting them on these blue covered
tables? How extraordinary!
Domes I fancy it is for the perusal of these experts,
Watsup. Listen!
Expert No I assure you madam, this lump of tarmac has
no intrinsic value whatsoever.
Lady But it’s from right in front of the police station and
I know for a fact it’s ever so old.
Expert I’m sorry, that is completely immaterial.
Lady Sentimental value, then. What’s that worth?
Expert Nothing at all.
Lady Are you sure? What are your qualifications?
Expert I work for a distinguished London auction house
and have spent ten years on this show. This
tarmac is valueless, I assure you.
Lady I think this is all a con!
Watsup Domes, I don’t understand.
Domes If you read that sign over there, Watsup, I
think all will be explained.
Watsup What sign?
Domes The big one.
Watsup The one which says ‘Antique Road Show’ do
you mean, Domes?
Domes Indeed I do. I think the mystery will solve itself
this evening when the last villager discovers their
piece of antique road is valueless and replaces it
where they found it. Let us wend our way
through the tables to the exit.
Watsup Not all the villagers have brought road, Domes.
Look at this, it’s old Mrs Looney consulting
expert Henry.
Expert Henry I think you may have misunderstood, Madam.
What you have indeed brought is a bottle of
sauce and a spade but I am an expert in
Worcester and Spode, which are quite different
do you see? They’re made of china.
Mrs Looney Call a spode a spode, I say. I may have lived in
this village man, girl and caterpillar but I know
rubbish when I hear it. A china spode would
be no good, would it? First rock it hits, it’ll
melt. We might be stupid here in the
FX Da Da Da!
Mrs Looney Village of the Dim but we’re not stupid, you
know.
Watsup By Jove, Domes, Expert Henry has his work
cut out for him if he’s going to cross swords
with old Mrs Looney. She’s a very determined
woman, I bet she’ll make him buy that spade.
Domes Ah look, Watsup, here comes Mrs On Won
Hanger, proprietor of the
FX Da Da Da!
Domes Village of the Dim Chinese Laundry and
Washerama, carrying her front door step
if I’m not mistaken. Good afternoon, Mrs
Hanger.
Mrs Hanger Hero, isn’t this exciting? I am hoping my
step wirr make me a wearthy rady.
Domes You may be lucky, Madam, but I doubt it.
Mrs Hanger If unrucky, I can arways leturn to raundly.
Watsup Domes, do you think I should tell my uncle
of the villager’s actions?
Domes There is no need, Watsup, as I said the
problem will solve itself. Ah, there is the
exit just behind Mrs Hanger and her door
step.
Watsup Excuse us, Mrs Hanger. That’s quite a
relief, Domes. I really didn’t want to tell
my uncle that the villagers were the road
nickers.
Mrs Hanger You can reeve the road of knickers on the
step. I whirr wash them tomollow.
Rural music, birdsong.
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JaneLaverick.com – start Monday morning with a couple of idiots and get ahead of the rush.