Knickerbocker Glory with reboiled cabbage.

Have you been waiting with bated breath for your next visit to the Da Da DAAA!  Village of the Dim?  Gosh I hope so.  Once more we direct our feet to the cradle whence sprang the stupidest detective’s assistant ever.  As a breed the fictional detective’s sidekick has to be possessed of a fine degree of ignorance so that the detective can explain to him, for the benefit of the audience, just what exactly is going on. As a result we’re never looking for any variety of exam-level thinking in the assistant. Watsup, however, abuses the privilege to such an extent we would suspect he was having a laugh, unless it is clear that both of his brain cells are working at full capacity all the time.  And it is and they are.  You could probably use his head as a radiator.


                              The Village of the Dim.
                                  The holey roads.

Rural music, birdsong.

Ethereal voice           And in the warm afternoon sunshine, mist around
                      bedtime and a 5% chance of rain tomorrow, you join
                      us once again in the

FX Da Da Da!

Ethereal voice         Village of the Dim, which is not looking its best. As  
                  far as the eye can see, mysterious holes have appeared 
                  in roads, pavements and garden paths.  However, help 
                  is at hand in the form of the great detective, Millennium 
                  Domes and his idiot sidekick, Watsup, Doctor of  
                  Density and former village resident.

Domes                     Enlighten me, Watsup,

Watsup  (grunts and groans)

Domes                     Put me down! Put me down! Thank you.  I thought
                    we had agreed that you would listen to the rest of the
                    sentence before taking action?

Watsup                    Sorry, Domes, I thought you’d finished and I just sort
                    of got carried away.

Domes                     And so, very nearly, did I.  Now, about the holes in the
                    roads.  How did you receive intelligence of them?

Watsup                    From my Uncle.

Domes                      Who is?

Watsup                     My Uncle.  Married to my Aunt.

Domes                       Quite, Watsup, quite.  I was alluding to his position in
                     the village.

Watsup                     Oh, all over the place.  Hardly stays still at all, on
                     account of him being the Warden, you see.

Domes                       Warden of what, Watsup?

Watsup                      Park and gardens, traffic, old person’s home, highway
                      and byway, dog.

Domes                        How busy he must be, Watsup.

Watsup                      Well it’s not a big village, Domes, so having these 
                      jobs allows my Uncle to practise his great skill for the
                      benefit of the community.

Domes                        Which is?

Watsup                       All the people who live in the village, Domes.  All
                      of them.  The lot.  I’m surprised you don’t
                      know that.               

Domes                         Quite, and his skill is?

Watsup                        Walking, Domes.  No doubt of it, he’s the walker of
                       the family.  Steady on his feet, too and on a good
                       day he can hold a conversation while remaining
                       ambulant.  Naturally the family and, indeed, the
                       villagers, hold him in high esteem.  So it was he who
                       alerted me to the holes all over the village, being in
                       a good position to spot them, because of his job.
                       May I sit down?

Domes                         Indeed you may, poor fellow, that was a long speech.
                       While you sit on this wall I will question the honest
                       road sweeper here.

Watsup                        Is it worth it, Domes?  I fear he may not be very

Domes                          Possibly not but he is just the man to have noticed
                       when the holes first began to appear.  Excuse me, 
                       honest road sweeper.

Sweeper                       Squotty diddle dinglflap.  You can go by, yes.

Domes                         Can you tell me when these holes first began to 

Sweeper                       Holes?

Domes                          There are holes all over the road. You are, in fact, 
                       standing in one of them.  How long have they been 

Sweeper                        Six inches.

Domes                           Let me put this another way.  Were these holes here

Sweeper                        Little yellow jumper.

Watsup                          I fear we are not going to get much sense out of him

Sweeper                         Thank you for the boomerang.

Domes                            Indeed not, Watsup.  We need to question some
                        more sensible people.  Is there a location nearby
                        where many villagers congregate?

Sweeper                         Fol de riddle, look at the moo cows.

Watsup                          We could try the teashop.

Sweeper                         Oh who will buy     my big green bogey?

Domes                             If you are up to running, we may be able to
                         lose the road sweeper, Watsup.

Watsup                          He does seem to have taken rather a shine to us
                        doesn’t he?

Sweeper                         Come back, Mr President, I’ll show you how my
                        brush works!

Domes                            Run Watsup, run.

Tinkly shop bell

Domes                          Well here we are in the teashop of the

FX Da Da Da!

Domes                          Village of the Dim, Watsup.  But there don’t seem to
                       be many villagers present.

Watsup                       You’re quite right Domes, there aren’t.  Which is 
                      very odd because it is tea time and this is the teashop.
                      It’s usually very busy.  Perhaps we could ask the
                      proprietor, Mrs Cakemix.

Domes                        My goodness, Watsup, what an enormous spread!

Watsup                       Oh I shouldn’t mention that, Domes, she’s very
                      sensitive about her waistline. Occupational hazard
                      you know.

Domes                        I was referring to her expansive collation upon the 
                      table, Watsup.

Watsup                      Well as long as she’s not resting it on the food,
                      Domes, I can’t see any harm in it.

Domes                         Quite, Watsup.  Could you introduce us?

Watsup                        Well, you’re Domes and I’m Watsup.     Hello.

Domes                          Could you introduce us to Mrs Cakemix?

Watsup                         Ah, I see.  Hello Mrs Cakemix, this is my friend
                       Millennium Domes, the great detective.

Mrs Cakemix             Pleased I’m sure, Mr Domes and hello young
                       Watsup.  How is life in the big city?  Are you eating
                       regular?  You can have some of this spread but not 
                       yet.  It’s for after the show.

Watsup                        My goodness, Mrs Cakemix, what a lot of food. If
                       I might say, it’s not your usual menu.

Mrs Cakemix              What an observant boy you are.  I always said you
                        would go far.  Remember when the church fell
                        down the mineshaft and you noticed it straight off?
                        Everyone was wondering what was missing and you
                        spotted the spire sticking out of the hole? You can’t
                        have been much older than twenty seven at the time
                        and sharp as a rug even then.  Pity about the verger,
                        still, never mind.

Domes                           Have you known Watsup long, Mrs Cakemix?

Mrs Cakemix              Ever since he and my Hubert were old enough to
                       play ‘Guess who has hidden the teapot down their 
                       nappy’ and that’s going back some, I can tell you.

Watsup                        This food looks most unusual, Mrs Cakemix.

Mrs Cakemix              It’s Mexicali, dear, now there’s a thing.  I went
                       on a daytrip from the

FX Da Da Da!

Mrs Cakemix              Village of the Dim to the seaside and had lunch in
                        a Mexican restaurant.  It’s all the rage, you know.
                        So I’ve adapted it a bit, Dim style, to suit local
                        tastes.  Instead of refried beans, which sounds a bit
                        indigestible, I’ve done reboiled cabbage.  I’ve done
                        cucumber sauce instead of chilli sauce and these
                        things are Tacos.  Well it’s really just pancakes, you
                        know.  Some have got gravy and crisps in them.  I 
                        had trouble keeping the gravy inside at first but I 
                        added extra flour and boiled it up until it set. So now
                        I can just slice it and it sticks the two halves of the
                        pancake together lovely.  And I’ve piped an S for
                        savoury sauce right there on the top of 
                        them so you can tell them apart from these which
                        have got a slice of custard inside and a S on the top
                        for sweet.

Watsup                          How clever!  What are these pies that appear to be
                        crawling away?

Mrs Cakemix               Oh they’re just tortoises, that’s a very Mexican
                        thing, that is.  They’re only for garnish but I shall
                        cling film the lot in a minute and that should keep
                        them still.  All I’ve got to do now is look out my 
                        gramophone record of ‘Walk in the Black Forest’
                        to give the foreign atmosphere and I’ll join you in
                        the village hall in just a minute.  Turn the sign to
                        closed on your way out, there’s a love.

Watsup                          I shall do that.  It was lovely to see you again, Mrs

Tinkly shop bell

Domes                             Is it far to the village hall, Watsup?

Watsup                           It’s just round this corner, Domes.  My goodness
                         what a long queue of villagers.

Domes                             I wonder why they are all carrying newspaper
                         packages, Watsup?  Pass the queue and let us
                         enter the hall.

Background commotion of voices

Domes                              And here I fancy the mystery is solved, Watsup.

Watsup                             Good gracious, Domes.  Why are all the villagers 
                          producing chunks of missing path, road and 
                          pavement and putting them on these blue covered
                          tables?  How extraordinary!

Domes                               I fancy it is for the perusal of these experts,
                          Watsup.  Listen!

Expert                                No I assure you madam, this lump of tarmac has
                          no intrinsic value whatsoever.

Lady                                   But it’s from right in front of the police station and
                          I know for a fact it’s ever so old.

Expert                                I’m sorry, that is completely immaterial.

Lady                                   Sentimental value, then.  What’s that worth?

Expert                                Nothing at all.

Lady                                   Are you sure?  What are your qualifications?

Expert                                I work for a distinguished London auction house
                          and have spent ten years on this show. This 
                          tarmac is valueless, I assure you.

Lady                                    I think this is all a con!

Watsup                              Domes, I don’t understand.

Domes                                If you read that sign over there, Watsup, I
                           think all will be explained.

Watsup                               What sign?

Domes                                The big one.

Watsup                               The one which says ‘Antique Road Show’ do
                           you mean, Domes?

Domes                                  Indeed I do. I think the mystery will solve itself
                            this evening when the last villager discovers their
                            piece of antique road is valueless and replaces it
                            where they found it.  Let us wend our way 
                            through the tables to the exit.

Watsup                                  Not all the villagers have brought road, Domes.
                             Look at this, it’s old Mrs Looney consulting
                             expert Henry.

Expert Henry                          I think you may have misunderstood, Madam.
                              What you have indeed brought is a bottle of 
                              sauce and a spade but I am an expert in
                              Worcester and Spode, which are quite different
                              do you see?  They’re made of china.

Mrs Looney                             Call a spode a spode, I say.  I may have lived in
                               this village man, girl and caterpillar but I know
                               rubbish when I hear it.  A china spode would
                               be no good, would it?  First rock it hits, it’ll
                               melt.  We might be stupid here in the

FX Da Da Da!

Mrs Looney                               Village of the Dim but we’re not stupid, you

Watsup                                        By Jove, Domes, Expert Henry has his work
                                cut out for him if he’s going to cross swords
                                with old Mrs Looney. She’s a very determined
                                woman, I bet she’ll make him buy that spade.

Domes                                         Ah look, Watsup, here comes Mrs On Won 
                                Hanger, proprietor of the

FX Da Da Da!

Domes                                          Village of the Dim Chinese Laundry and
                                 Washerama, carrying her front door step
                                 if I’m not mistaken.  Good afternoon, Mrs

Mrs Hanger                                 Hero, isn’t this exciting?  I am hoping my
                                 step wirr make me a wearthy rady.

Domes                                           You may be lucky, Madam, but I doubt it.

Mrs Hanger                                   If unrucky, I can arways leturn to raundly.

Watsup                                           Domes, do you think I should tell my uncle 
                                  of the villager’s actions?

Domes                                             There is no need, Watsup, as I said the
                                   problem will solve itself.  Ah, there is the
                                   exit just behind Mrs Hanger and her door

Watsup                                             Excuse us, Mrs Hanger.  That’s quite a
                                   relief, Domes.  I really didn’t want to tell
                                   my uncle that the villagers were the road

Mrs Hanger                                    You can reeve the road of knickers on the
                                   step. I whirr wash them tomollow.

Rural music, birdsong.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? – start Monday morning with a couple of idiots and get ahead of the rush.

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