Careers Advice.

The new Head, opening his study,
Said, ‘Welcome to you, Mr Toddy,
Mrs Toddy put your body
In this chair.

There is no need to appraise me,
You really can’t surprise me,
I already recognise why
You both are here.

I assume that Toddy Junior
Is why you are in this room here
You hope I am the new broom here
To sweep the dust away.

I have just got his report
It is long, it is not short
Not a teacher yet got caught
With nought to say.

His maths teacher, Mr. Frisson
At some length is really wishing
He believed in long division
Or being neat.

His gym teacher, Mr. Merit,
Says he’s lacking in team spirit
And does not know how to do it
With his feet.

His form teacher made remarks
On things he does for larks
On the school field, and in some parks
In any weather.

Other stuff from other tutors –
‘Quite despairing’, ‘Has no future’
I think I will read them to you
All together.

“He does things I cannot mention
Right outside of all convention
Absolutely with intention
To annoy.

He is arrogant and haughty
He far surpasses naughty
He’s a layabout – not sporty
For a boy.

He likes to snap his braces
And pull rude and silly faces
And have worm and beetle races
All at once.

We caught him smoking and sniffing glues,
Wearing other children’s shoes
And I regret to have to tell you
He’s a dunce.

He’s a well accomplished liar,
He is an idler – not a trier
He’s no ambitions to aspire
To get a job.

We have often caught him fighting,
He steals other children’s writing
He will fart right through a night in –
He’s a slob.”

‘Oh dear!’ cried Mrs Toddy
‘If Junior’s a bad boy
Should we put him in the Navy
All at sea?’

‘Or the Air Force?’ asked his father,
‘Unless, that is, you’d rather
Send him off to be a soldier
Advise me.’

‘Please leave him,’ said the Head
‘This is not a thing to dread
Cuthbert Toddy is the lad
We think we know.

We have had his type before
Walking right in through that door
In fact, there are many more,
From long ago.

They are haughty and repulsive
Lying and compulsive
Ruthless and subversive
To a man.

When they graduate to College
With huge bribes but little knowledge
(Because we like to stir the porridge
If we can) –

On these wooden plaques we add here
The name of any lad here
Who does well when he’s left here
Later on.

Look! This lad, Junior Purviss,
Now runs the Civil Service
He is devious and churlish
Loud and fat.

This boy, Siddiq Brabinet,
Has three times lead the cabinet
Whilst possessing all the intellect
Of a gnat.

There’s a mover, shaker, wheeler,
A very rich arms dealer
This one heads the Met – the Peelers
A long time.

Cuthbert Toddy, I assure you
Is the lad in whom to put your
Faith, he has a solid future
As P.M.

He’s a mendacious, idle boy
Unsurpassably annoy
ing, they will welcome him with joy
At Number 10.


I appear to be suffering from intermittent doggerel.  Who knows when it will end?  Do you?

Me neither.


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