The all England women’s flab championships, the final.

You join me here on Centre Court for the final, on such a windy day.  Jim, do you remember ever having such a windy day?

Other than sixty-three, two-oh-eight and seventeen, no.

It is unprecedently windy, yes.

No, there was sixty-three, two-oh-eight and seventeen, I just said.

But it is very windy.

Yes and twenty-twelve, come to think of it.

And here they come now out onto the field.  Flapover and Bunion.  Bunion is quite a surprise, isn’t she Jim?

Well she has come out of the ranks but some of us have been watching her, certainly.

Have we?

Well I have.  She did well in the Hungry competition and came second in the American All-Eaters in March.

Yes but she hasn’t got the practised flab of Flapover, has she?

No, maybe not, but she has put on half a stone since March, mostly on the legs.

Yes but she’s never going to beat Flapover’s double chin, is she?

Oh I don’t think anyone could do that, it’s halfway down her chest.

And here they are now, stripping off to the reinforced elastic underwear.  My goodness, Bunion has magnificent spare tyres!  Three of them!

No, it’s five.

Are you sure?

I’ve been studying her form from beach photographs, if you look there’s a little one just under where the bra wire would be, if you could see it, and another resting on the stomach.

I thought that was a loose pink belt.

Easy mistake to make Jilly.

Not a mistake as such. Jim.  More an alternative observation.  And..they’re off!  Bunion is at the table immediately, flattening three pies in one go with her bingo wings!

She did this in March.  It is an inspired opening move.

I won’t argue with you there, Jim, even though you are very repetitive.

Makes a change.

Repetition doesn’t, it’s the same old same old, you have a limited vocabulary, I think.  Ooh, look at that!  Flapover has just squashed six sausage rolls down her cleavage!

Inspired, Jilly, absolutely inspired, ooh!

Oh wow, the audience is on its feet, Bunion has sat on three curries simultaneously!  It’s match point!

Yes it is!  Oh a win on the gravy!  It’s gone off the table and right into the audience!  There’s a gentleman on the front row absolutely covered! And that takes the first set.  New bowls will be called and a reset of the table.

And Bunion and Flapover are towelling down now. My goodness, Jim, this is shaping up to be a historic match.

An historic match, Jilly, an historic match.

I’m the senior presenter here, I’ll say what I like.

And if you’re wrong, Ill tell you.  And here come the tables for the second service.  Looks like soup and assorted salad vegetables.

Oh and there goes Flapover, straight on to the tomatoes!

Oh my goodness, she’s covered the umpire!

It’s the thighs, Jim, it’s thighpower, no tomato can resist them.

Oh look, look!  Bunion is landing her entire stomach in the soup tureen!  It’s a tidal wave, Jilly, watch out!

Oh I say!  We got splashed right up here in the commentary box.  It’s all up your jacket, you should have worn a bib.

White wasn’t a good choice, that’s for sure.  It’s in your hair, have you ever seen such a thing?

It’s turning out to be a magnificent final, Jim and it’s dripping off your tieNow there goes Bunion, kneeling on the aubergines, ooh now, she’s sitting in the Caesar salad and bouncing!  Oh there’s croutons everywhere!

That’s the second set to Bunion, in an inspired move.  Can Flapover recover Jilly? 

I doubt it, Jim.  Both girls are breathing very hard.  I think the last seated squash took it out of Bunion and no mistake.  I just hope she has something in reserve for the pudding round, Jim.

Here comes the third service table now, Jilly.  There are very large jellies and Oh!  Trifle.  This is set to be an epic final.

And they’re off! Bunion has inserted profiteroles in every single one of her spare tyres and she is playing her ribs with a serving spoon, Jim!

Inspired move, Jilly.  The crowd is on its feet.

Shouldn’t that be the crowd is on their feet, Jim?  I think you’ve got that wrong.

No. I am right and also ooh!  That trifle went miles, Jilly, absolutely miles.

No, you’re exaggerating.  And now Flapover is chasing Bunion with  a vat of jelly!  Oh dangerous move, if she slips, Bunion could well get the point.

Or the jelly.  Oh. Flapover is following up with a double breasted bingo wing to the ice cream tub.

But Bunion is hurling herself off the umpire’s chair into the Pavlova!  It’s a white-out!

But Flapover is coming back with a double buttock prune squash!

And Bunion responds with a full body millefeuille!  We haven’t seen one of these since eighty-three!

No, ninety-two, in the finals.  Oh there go the cherries!  And to top it off, a quadruple chin to the Chocolate Junket!

Magnificent!  Sprinkles everywhere.  That’s a win for Bunion Jim, completely unseeded, how wonderful.

Told you so.

And here is the Duchess, who was in the front row in a plastic mac, presenting the girls with the silver indigestion tablet and the gold bottle of Pink Stomach Medicine.

And the crowd is on its feet.  And it’s slipping down.  And it’s up again, and it’s down.  And it’s up.

Yes, all right, you always over do it.

No I don’t, oh they’re down again!  Ha ha.

Just shut up. And we hand over to the newsroom.  Are you licking my shoulder?



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