Observant readers will have noted a new category ‘other scales’ in the shop.
Seriously astute readers will have clicked on the category and noticed nothing. When I say nothing obviously I don’t mean that they noticed nothing because if they did so they would hardly be classed as seriously astute. They would be as sharp as Millennium Domes’ sidekick Watsup, who everyone knows possesses the razor edged intellect of a face flannel.* What I intend to convey is that they would have remarked on the absence of content. Astutely, in this case, because there is nothing there.
‘So’, you may think (especially if you are the sort of person whose thoughts tend to start off with ‘Ho!’ ‘I say!’ ‘Aha!’ and similar expressions of surprise.) ‘So’, (though to be fair you might only do it twice if you are the sort of person who likes repeating things) ‘here is a category and nothing in it.’ (I knew someone would notice.) (I’m glad it was you.) (Because I have days when I write stuff and wonder if anyone is reading it at all..) (Only here, obviously. In certain departments of life you can tell if people are reading or not. For example if I put out a note for the milkman saying ‘No milk today thank you’ and he leaves seven pints, it’s a reasonable bet that he hasn’t read the note.) That is not a case of negligence on my part. Neither, rest assured, am I taunting you. (Or the milkman. I think it was the change in the weather. One day it was freezing and we were drinking hot tea throughout the day, next it was so hot, no one wanted milk and we had milk to spare, pints of it in the fridge, pints and pints, coming out of our ears.) (Well, when I say ‘coming out of our ears’ I don’t mean literally, that would have been a cause for concern.) (And probably a trip to the doctor.) (And also when I said we were drinking tea throughout the day, I didn’t mean constantly. Not in the shower, for example. Not while getting dressed. Nor while going round the supermarket.) (Especially not while going round the supermarket, because if you put the cup down at the checkout to find your purse it would be off the end of the conveyor belt like a shot and probably break the cup too.) It was simply a preparatory move because there will be things in that category, eventually. (At this point, if you are dim, not used to computers, or just very tired, you may be thinking ‘I wonder what will be in the other scales category? Whatever could it be?’ and also ‘ I wish I had gone to bed sooner last night, instead of staying up late to listen to the shipping forecast, I must rein in my ceaseless curiosity. What oh what can be in this category? I have to know!’ But if you are one of the aforementioned astute readers you may be thinking, ‘Aha! I think I can guess what will be in this category! I have a slight inkling (I must call in at the chemist on the way back from work.)’
Just in case you are really new to reading this (and by this I mean this column, clearly, not just this word, which no one has ever read before, or this word, or this one.) (And when I say no one has ever read this word well of course they have, just, not here.) (Though if you’re reading this for the second time because you couldn’t believe how stupid it was on the first run through, then you have, previously, just then.) (And may I say reading it twice is twice as good as the milkman. We’re going to have to have rice pudding for a week to use it all up. Which is a pity. I really hate rice pudding.) Just in case, then I’ll tell you.
What is going to be in the other scales category will be things in other scales. (Aha!) (It’s you again, isn’t it?) (Oho!) (I thought it was.) (Wohoo!) (Yes, all right, don’t overdo it, no one likes a smarty pants.) Not big dolls, though they are in other scales. In fact you could argue that everything that isn’t life size is in other scales. But only if you are a person. If you’re, for example, an ant reading this you may already think that absolutely everything is already in as other scales as any ant would wish. (And if you are an ant working a computer may I say ‘Well done!’) Small dolls not in mainstream scales. So not 24th (well you could have guessed that, there’s a category for them already.) Not 12th (ditto.) But 48th and (but not instantly) 144th.
There you go, other scales. I’m glad to have cleared that up for you.
There’s nothing there yet. I haven’t made it yet. But when I have it will be there, in other scales.
Simple, really.
*Watsup and Domes can be found in the Knickerbocker Glory archives.
And I’d just like to point out that an ant is life size to an ant. And anything else also. They’re just small aren’t they?
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JaneLaverick.com – a bit of a worry sometimes.