The alter Native British Olympics.

Wasn’t the opening ceremony absolutely British?  I thought it was great and for the only time I can ever recall, wouldn’t have minded swapping places with David Beckham, though not with the Queen, that outfit was utterly unsuitable for parachuting.

However, bearing in mind weightlifting, gymnastics and other disciplines, I think we’re going to have trouble with the follow-through because the other events, despite what was said at the opening about playing the game and other Great British ideas, are just not cricket, are they?  There isn’t any cricket at all and this, I feel, is the problem.

Where are the specifically British events?

I have been falling asleep in the garden in a sunlounger thinking.

I have come up with the following and I hope it’s not too late to submit these ideas.  It will of course, be far too late for practice for them.  This is a totally British way of doing things; we have always preferred to take the day off work and turn up by bus to participate in an event in our underpants and a borrowed clean vest.  Other nations, we hear, actually practise, sometimes from childhood.  This seems a little intense and doesn’t leave time to scrape exploded bubble gum off your top lip, dandelion clocks, children’s telly with a cuppa brought by your Mum and assorted occupations involving mud.

So in the interest of other nations having the opportunity to acquire some laid back, self deprecating, if-wet-in-the-church-hall Britishness, presents the alternative Olympics.

Olympic queuing. (4 events)
500 minutes single decker bus queue (open to all comers).
Men’s 50 yard football ticket queue.
20 minute Chinese chip shop relay with extra batter.
50 person toilet queue featuring the alternate leg hop.

Olympic shopping (3 events)
New father’s 10 yard aisle 3 Pampers dash.
Women’s posh dress shop closing down sale sideways elbow lunge.
Junior ice cream van double scoop cone lift.

British family washing line clothes snatch.
(Cancelled due to lack of rain.)

Already held soon after the Olympians arrived – The Marks and Spencer’s knicker event. (Won by Stretchikova in a high leg floral thong with a clean and jerk.)

British Matrimonial rowing, with standoff bickering and a final flounce to the pub.

Night time events.
All night tossing and turning (due to sitting on the sofa all day glued to the telly).
3am cocoa drinking in the kitchen.
7.30 milk race with optional yogurt.

Instead of track and field events in  the dodgy weather we’re going to have:
Village hall and teashop.
Women’s team knitting.
WI calendar girls 3 yard dash for a towel.
Morris dancing with gigantic marrows (blood sport).
Synchronised spam arranging finished by a cake-off against the clock.

And also the traditional British:
Egg, spoon and dippy soldiers race.
Sack race for mothers of the bride.
Main road wrong day wheelie bin race after the lorry.
Supermarket car park sprint with a bag with a hole in the bottom.

Welcome to Britain, Bienvenue a the UK, G’Day guys this is how we like to do things here.  Most of all please remember that it’s not about winning, it’s about having a nice cup of tea afterwards and  a packet of Garry’s crisps.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ – promoting international understanding.

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