The JaneLaverick.com patent, automatic, festive gathering conversation generator, with free drink*.

The festive season, such a slight joy for so many of us, can be an absolute agony for the tongue tied.  Whether you’re at a barbie on Bondi, a beer festival in Berlin, or an office party in the soggy suburbs of the UK, if you just haven’t got the chat-up lines it’s a nightmare.  Statistically 100% of people meet their future co-habitee at an occasion**; the occasion could be the first and last time you ever meet if you don’t know what to say.

Fear not! As the second in our mini-series giving fabulous hints and tips to deal with the stress of the ghastly festivities, JaneLaverick.com brings you the definitive guide to party chat-up lines.  User-friendly and free, everything is contained in the handy print-off-and-keep-in-a-pocket crib cards.  Simply choose one word from each column to generate hundreds and hundreds of possible lines from each card; having all seven multiple choice cards in your pocket guarantees you literally thousands of conversational possibilities.  Astound your friends!  Amaze your co-workers!  Stun the opposition!  And most of all – never go home alone again!  Yes, make this your best party season ever with the JaneLaverick.com automatic conversation generator (advert) available in a plain wrapper from these suppliers***

Conversation generator instructions.

Approach the conversee of choice surreptitiously palming  these cards. The first card starts you off with very simple sentences, even if you get a word wrong it won’t sound much different. Remember, use one word from each column to make you sound suave, debonair, and, above all things, talking.  Having surveyed the buffet, arrive also bearing something to shove in their mouth.  Say:

Once their mouth, which might go off unexpectedly forcing you to extemporise a reply, is steadily engaged, it is time for a compliment, nothing too risky, again simple sentences, you can do this.  Say:

Follow up immediately by asking a non-threatening question, directly related to your present surroundings:

Now it’s time for actual interaction.  To achieve this – wait for a response!
Then say (brightly):

Count to two (not out loud), then (if your lips aren’t aching from all the unaccustomed exercise) : smile.

At this point the socially inept frequently elicit opinions on sports teams or music preferences.  This is dangerously divisive.  Choose safer, completely non-controversial questions and continue to bond with the target. Say:

How about

                                              then?

Listen for the reply, follow up immediately-

Say:

To further the rapport it is necessary at this stage to avoid turning the conversation into an interrogation/agreement fest.  To do this and establish trust, offer some information about yourself by telling them what it is you do.  Don’t worry if your job is menial or non-existent, simply generate an impressive sounding occupation by use of this table. Say:

I’m a

Ask what they do – listen for the answer – say:

Now go for another personal remark, ideally, this time, looking at them rather than the card.  Say:

Well done, you’re nearly there.  Now go for the kill.

Ask-

Can I:

This should produce the desired outcome.  Get a few parties under your belt with the cards in your pocket, or get a few parties in your pocket with the cards under your belt and you are well on your way to becoming the conversational genius you always felt you should be.

*Sorry there is no free drink, the lorry got lost on the way and we’d already had the title printed.  Sorry about that.  Read this again with a glass of water.

**Yes they do, it’s the occasion when they met.

***This is the supplier of it.  Consider yourself supplied.  And there’s no wrapper either, I expect you spotted that.  It’s much greener at Christmas not to generate tons of throw-away wrapping.  And easier for those of us that are not wonderful at bows.

Coming soon to a screen near you: The JaneLaverick.com next helpful thing for Christmas.

(Sorry to be a bit unspecific there, I haven’t actually thought of what it is yet.  Let me know how the conversation generator works out for you.  Let me know if you pull.)(!!!!!!!!!)(In fact email us the gory details and we’ll put it in the comments, we could all do with a laugh this time of year.)

JaneLaverick.com and their heirs and associates accept no liability whatsoever for any alien abductions, intergalactic spawn or cross-species interference resulting from reading of this or any other article on this website.
                                             The JaneLaverick.com legal team.