The pace of the pace.

I have often thought, in my life, how very nice it would be if things happened in a discrete fashion, so that you could enjoy them or endure them one at a time.  Maybe people with more organised lives do this.  It certainly couldn’t hurt.

Then there are folks who complain about their lives being humdrum. The old routine and all that.  I have written previously of how very treasurable I find boredom to be because, round here, it is a rare commodity.

I would have liked, for example, to have stopped feeling sick before I had quite so much work to do.  I am, however, in the process of discovering how to manage my condition.  The condition is that five exploratory keyhole incisions have left my intestines narrowed and bound up with scar tissue, which is what has caused the last eighteen months of surprise hospital admissions.  Because of the number of constricted passages, quantities of fibre cause a blockage. Now I know this and if I am not to spend the rest of my life on little bowls of gruel like some character out of Dickens, experimentation is necessary.  What I found out two days ago is that a veggie burger in a bun and a few fries is too much.  Now I recognise the problem I know the solution, which is to not eat for a couple of days but drink plenty in little sips, which is what they did every time I turned up in hospital.  Whilst this is happening I feel horribly sick and only want to sleep.  I have a feeling the process of discovery will be slimming.  I wonder how many points you score at Weightwatchers for intestinal blockage?

Then there are plumbers.  Central heating, rather than internal.  The builder, beginning and being partly resident for six months, needs to knock down the outside wall which currently accommodates the boiler for the heating.  He suggested, therefore, that the best place for the boiler would be in the downstairs toilet.  I called the plumber in, mostly to express my opinion that situating a boiler in a downstairs toilet is an ideal way to ensure that spanners get dropped down the toilet fairly frequently.  The plumber agreed and is coming on Wednesday to install a thing called a combi boiler in the airing cupboard.  I suggested to the OH that the airing cupboard, thick with the dirt of ages, would benefit from a coat of paint, so that the boiler was not installed over old filth.  Not only did he agree, he did it, which as I have been suffering from jammed burger, was a welcome intervention.

Simultaneously. in the way of things round here, the neighbours at the bottom of the garden had their massive fir tree cut down.  The massive fir tree has been a difficulty all the time we have lived here.  It cast its canopy over my garden.  After many years of trying to grow stuff in the flower bed beneath and failing miserably because shed pine needles make the ground acid, I gave up and concreted that end of the garden, putting a little garden chair store in the corner, edging the rest in a shape with black paving edges, burying drains, carving JL 2007 on top and then filling the hole with very white gravel and a nice big stone.  Well, of course, the pine needles continued to fall, so my raked gravel zen garden gradually turned into a very stony flower bed that for some years I cleared until I became carer for my demented mother and no longer had time.  Now the tree has gone, which is an immense relief because I was always expecting it to fall on my writing shed and squash me flat, I have emptied the garden of the gravel, which I have tossed through the garden sieve to separate the needles from the stones and then retired to bed with my metal shoulder and the other frozen one on fire, which was all right because I was taking my jammed intestines there anyway.

Today I shall pressure wash my concrete bed, wash the stones in the wheelbarrow and then, with that area cleared, I can start emptying the bit under the boiler and the garage.

I vaguely recall, long ago, when I was a young teacher, wondering whether I should go to work with a cold, or flu.  I did go with flu, the first Christmas I was there and lay groaning on the chairs in the staff room.

What a wimp I was!  I had fully working intestines at the time, most of my internal organs, wasn’t married to an alcoholic, had never cared for anyone insane at my own expense and, in short, had barely lived.

It’s amazing what you can do if you try.  Right now I am going to try pressure washing a zen garden.

Meditatively, obviously.

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Please do not buy anything in the shop, yet still.  I was going to get the help of the S&H to mend the link, so I know if you have bought something, which I still do not know, but I needed his assistance with another computer matter.  This undertaking occupied a whole evening with the OH on my computer and the S&H remotely in my computer from Wales and they sorted it out between them.  What they sorted I may be able to tell you next week. Meanwhile that was enough unpaid work for a week from the S&H who will always do computery things for his old mum.  Whilst this does make up, in part, for all the worry during the years that he was trying to run a business without actually getting out of bed, I nevertheless do not like to trespass on his good nature, willingness and cheerful disposition.  This being part of my ongoing efforts never to morph into my mother, who took any sort of willingness, turned it inside out and wore it as a hat, with a grievance.

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Whooshoo, der.

The rash turned out to be a viral thing going round the local hospital. I have just got over it and now I am sneezing.  On Thursday I have an MRI scan, following an outpatients visit, which comes under the heading of Just Checking.

Oh it’s all occurring.

In the middle of this I am trying to get some of the decks cleared for action.  The plumber has to come and redo the central heating ahead of the builder moving in, probably until Christmas.  He says it will all be over by Christmas, but that’s what they said about the First World War.  One of the first things the builder will do is to demolish the wall to which the boiler is attached.  Like Father William we grow old and cannot do without the central heating, so now, in what is theoretically the summer, the plumber will re route the heating pipes, put a new combination boiler in the airing cupboard upstairs, saw the water tank in the loft in half, having, I very sincerely hope, emptied it first and remove the bits, leaving a new space to accumulate junk in the loft.

In advance of all of this I am trying to make the Christmas cards to avoid sending cards with a light dusting of builder’s rubble this year.  33 made, 37 to go.  Then I have to start clearing the garage.  This would be fine were it not for the fact that the gardening equipment, which is what I’m clearing, needs to go out into my writing shed and it hasn’t stopped raining for days.

I am going to put the kilns in the lounge.  If you come for tea and find two new unusual tables with handles, say nothing. Then there are the bats.  Not cricket or pipistrelle, kiln bats, which are removable shelves,.  And pit props.  These are not pit props really, it’s just what I call the variety of ceramic shapes used for stacking the shelves and the wares, in the kiln.  I have not yet decided where to put five or six laundry baskets of moulds.  I have agreed with the builder that the wardrobe full of buckets of slip can be moved into the centre of the garage and they can work round it, with a tarpaulin over the top in case it rains because the garage will no longer have walls or a roof.

And I am hoping the MRI scan reveals nothing untoward because I have a week after it to do all this lot if the rain continues now.

Did I say it was all going on?  It is but actually I don’t give a fig because I have started, after months of planning and plotting (literally) to write the next book.

Life is behaving like buses again. Nothing for months and then several all at once.

Whooshoo. Excuse me.  Der.

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Well well.

I wish I was. Oh I do.

For the last three days I have had a rash all over.  Goodness knows what it is.  It started off in a band round my middle, right round the spare tyre.  Like tiny tyre tracks.  Treads. And I have been off my grub.  Though to be fair I haven’t really fancied anything since I was in hospital.  Knowing scar tissue had twizzled up your intestines does tend to put you off your food.

It started on Friday morning, a week after I had been admitted to hospital.  That sounds like a perfect incubation period to me.  The OH, who worked in hospitals for many years, has always said they are places full of infection and to be avoided if possible.  He took a photo yesterday, when the rash had joined up and spread up and down.

Closest thing to it as a picture on Tinternet is a drug allergy, which qualifies as a medical emergency but I have frequent flyer miles in A&E and simply couldn’t face another four hours on the metal chairs.  Anyway, drugs, what drugs?  I don’t think the supermarket vitamin pills that I bought because they were reduced in price, count at all and anything else, serrapeptase, peppermint capsules and glucosamine, which is all the anything else there is, is all stuff I have taken for years.

So I shall be off to the doctor tomorrow, providing I am spared overnight and can get an appointment, so I’ve washed my hair and put the curlers in because I always like to go to the doctor looking my best, you know, healthy, full make up, smartly dressed.  I am, as I have already told you, in common with everyone I know, my own worst enemy.

I need to get well.  Well, I do.  Not least because the builders have said they will at last start in three weeks building the extension over the flat roofed garage so that I will have enough bedrooms for my grandchildren to come and stay.

As a child I frequently stayed with my grandmother on Saturday night and went to church with her on Sunday morning.  With hindsight this might have been as much for my parents as me.  My father was a member of Round Table, which organisation often had dinner dances on a Saturday night.  I recall my mother heading off for one of these in a red velvet dress with a sculpted bodice and a spectacular skirt supported by masses of petticoats.  1950s glamour was really something that I don’t believe we recovered subsequently.  Hollywood red carpet costumes have been more about the freak show than a celebration of true glamour, of late and nobody dresses for dances anymore.  There are no dances anymore.  Just night clubs with people moving strangely to garage music, apparently and no doubt pantry music, shed music and garden pond music.  (If any of those manufactured items are a real thing that’s entirely coincidental.)

Saturday nights for me I believed were entirely for me.  As my grandmother had ten grandchildren I sometimes had to share her with another grandchild but, as a mother of five, she was well practiced in making sure no one felt left out.

We were allowed to watch television dressed in our pyjamas whilst enjoying  Evans nicer lemonade in a green glass with a metal cup holder handle.  In this would be a scoop of Minchellas ice cream.  I remember the taste of it. The ice cream was freshly made locally, the lemonade had big bubbles but was not very sweet.  It seemed to last a long time.

On Sunday morning you were given a bath, with a scoop of Daz clothes washing powder in the water to make the water very slightly foamy and a bit gritty on the bottom of the bath.  Then you were sent back to bed for half an hour to warm up because washing all over weakens people, obviously.  Then you got up, got dressed in your best and went to church, a village away, sang a lot of hymns and were entertained silently by your grandmother if the sermon was lengthy.  This she did with hand games.  The favourite was to spread her fingers out and up to create spare skin on the back of her hand that you could build walls with, which she could make disappear by making a fist.  On the way home we would play a walking game, where you would both walk in step and suddenly she could wrong foot you so you were walking out of step and had to skip to keep up.

The joy of these great wonders of entertainment I naturally wish to share with my grandchildren when they get a little older, therefore, as they have moved and now live some distance away, bedrooms are required.

I have had a consultation with the builder.  It will be necessary to take the lid off four rooms and leave us open to the elephants.  All of which interesting horrors you can look forward to in future posts.

Meanwhile, if I am still rashy in the morning I will take my spare tyre, and the rest of me, to the docs.

It is my sincere wish to be done with the medical profession. Really. I bear them no ill will but I tire of their company.  In the AM I will see if my unattired tyre tires of their company, and then, providing my demise is not imminent, I have to clear the garage.  (Not the music, the actual garage.)

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Back to the future of the future.

Did you miss me?  I’ve been in hospital again. I wouldn’t say I’m cured but I feel better than I have for eighteen months because at last I know what is wrong.

I knew something was wrong ever since I went back into hospital after the hysterectomy, vomiting blood.  They kept me for eleven days, said I was all right and sent me home.  Nothing happened until the following November.  Then the same thing occurred, this time they said I had Norovirus.  What I really had were doubts.

On to this year. In March I had the problem, stayed at home, slowly recovered. Same thing in April.  May I turned up in hospital with it and was sent home.  Then again on Thursday.  I went to A&E and was sent home where I went straight to bed, do not pass go do not collect £100.  Ooh I felt ill.  In total that had been 7 times since the surgery and it was the same every time.  I felt ill. Over the next six hours my stomach swelled until it looked as if I had swallowed a wok, then I vomited what looked like copious amounts of blood, at least a litre, then I felt better.

This time the OH went next door and consulted the neighbours.

My neighbour just happens to be the orthopaedic surgeon (legs) for the local hospital.  He has saved me twice now. The first time when he told me to wait for the good surgeon to mend my broken arm and this time when he made a diagnosis without even seeing me.  He said it sounded like a pseudo blockage, to go back to A&E and what to say.  Reluctantly I got out of bed, packed a suitcase and dragged off to A&E and said what he told me to say.  I was eventually admitted, having spent the second lot of five hours on the hard metal seats in A&E in two evenings, by one o’ clock I was on a ward and at two in the AM I was wheeled down to the scanner and scanned and finally it was revealed that I had adhesions from the original cancer surgery that were stitching up my intestines with strings of twizzled up scar tissue, so that nothing could get through, certainly not large quantities of fibre such as the little box of coconut that I had eaten on  Thursday morning while I had done my emails.  So everything backs up including all the digestive juices, which I keep producing in an attempt to wash it all past the blockage until it all comes back up again and I feel better.

Quite why they hadn’t spotted this, which is, apparently, very common and a side effect of keyhole surgery, given that when the OH looked it up on his phone the description of the symptoms  was exactly me to the letter, I cannot say.  Two GPs didn’t spot it, a medical team in A&E didn’t spot it and hospital doctors on three occasions didn’t spot it.  None of which matters because my neighbour did and the scanner confirmed his diagnosis.

Now what happens is that we wait to see if the matter resolves itself.  If it does not or gets worse I finally saw, in hospital, the good general surgeon (good as rated by my neighbour) who will sort me out surgically if it gets worse.  I have a follow up appointment in three months to see how I’m doing and at last, for the first time in eighteen months I have stopped worrying obsessively because I know what is wrong. For a year and a half I have feared that the cancer was somewhere else in me because swelling up like a balloon and vomiting occasionally simply is not normal.

I had fears immediately after the operation when the surgeon told me she had done five exploratory keyholes before giving up and going in through the old scar.  If you poke five holes in someone’s stomach, that’s five potential problems.  When she saw me before the surgery I was concerned because she looked very cold and not very well.  I asked if she was all right and she looked at me in surprise.  Perhaps first thing on a cold January morning is not the best time to find what you are searching for through a small hole, it’s like doing the bran tub at the local fair last thing on Saturday afternoon, what you’re likely to find is bran and the small packet of chewing gum that earlier visitors rejected.

Saved by the neighbour, as usual round here amazingly, I now know what to do, I shall take serrapeptase, which can dissolve scar tissue, I shall eat small wet meals, drink a lot of fluids and get on my vibration plate to work out.  Above all I shall be glad that finally I feel as if I am back to having a future.  I shall also get on with plotting the second novel, the characterisation of which I nearly completed in hospital.  (Of course, sick as a dog, but still writing.)

First I am going to make a thank you card for my neighbour and thank him thankfully, where would I be without him?*

*Dead with a broken arm.

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Knuckle scrapes.

How do you think?

Isn’t that a good question?

How do you think?

Supposing you wish to conceive an idea, a design, say, for a much better way of getting the duvet into the duvet cover.  Perhaps a way of holding the acres of fabric that you could teach in a video, or a small device that could do the grasping at the time the ends slip out of your fingers just as you had them very nearly up to the corners.  Or, mayhap, a collapsible machine that would stow away under the bed.  It would have to work on all sizes of duvet from cot quilt to super dooper oligarch four poster size. It would have to be easy to manufacture and so obvious that every entrepreneur on the planet would expend endless research budgets trying to go one better and failing miserably.  Finally, in the far distant future, long thin silver people with giant heads would watch the bed robot change the air duvet and tell their pupae ‘Humans used to do that by hand, long ago,’  and they would all fall around laughing.

So, how do you think of that?  I know you are now, because I’ve just put the idea in your head.  What is more, I know you will think of it at least twice.  Now and next time you change the bed.

I find it interesting that if a thousand people read this column, they will think of the solution, or dismiss the question, in a thousand different ways.  Did you know that there are more potential connections in the human brain than atoms in the known universe?

That is what thinking is.  It is electrical connections in the human brain.  It’s your synapses waving to each other through the fog.  Your life experience strengthens certain connections and leaves others alone until a pathway is established.  Once the pathway is there the electric thoughts flash along like one of those images of night traffic in Shanghai, or Las Vegas, or Pigend village on a Saturday night (two bicycles and a badger.)

That is what happens when you think, your will, your soul, your Id, your you commands the grey matter, which in itself is thinking, to think and instantly, magically, your plastic brain (in the sense of movable, not in the sense of bottles clogging up the nearest whale), lights up, whirrs around for a bit and comes up with ‘Dunno, need chocolate.’

Thinking is incredible.  In half a page of reading you’ve considered making an invention, visited the future, imagined three different locations on the planet  and one under the sea and even thought about your brain doing all this thinking and now you want chocolate and your eyes haven’t even left the page yet.  Unless there’s a fly in the room.  And now, even if there isn’t, there’s a fly in your head.

I’ll just stop for some quick chocolate (I’m my own worst enemy, I really am.)

So wherefore all this thinking thinking, hmm?

I am plotting the next novel and have found that the best way to generate ideas is to paint the shed.  (I did.  It was Oxford blue, very ten years ago.  Now it is Celtic Cream.  Looks fresh as new paint, for some reason.)  My brain, distracted, gets on with the thinking all on its own.  (I had to keep going indoors to write the ideas down.)  Or I get on with a workout and have to keep getting off the twist stepper to jot down plot twists.

Or make Christmas cards, which I am currently doing.

So that’s how I think. I very deliberately don’t.

How do you think? (You won’t have any idea now I’ve asked but you may wake up in the middle of the night shouting ‘I put my special thinking jeans on Jane, you git, I was having a nice dream!  Or ‘I was just talking to the vicar and suddenly invented a new sort of toaster.’  Or ‘I was eating my sixth waffle and suddenly realised what to do about my weight problem.’)

The human brain, thinking, is the most amazing thing in existence on this little blue planet all alone in the universe. (And here we are in outer space.)  And back home in front of the Internet, thanks to Tim Berners-Lee, who thought of a way I could tell you what I’m thinking once a week and you could tell me: How do you think?

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Once more with feeling.

I have made the second submission.

Two pinfalls or a submission!  Come out swinging.  I want a nice clean fight and you can take the horseshoe out of your glove, straightaway.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAnd box!

This time it is to a publisher, who appeared in a search engine as accepting online submissions for original novels.  I wonder if I might be better with an agent and I did have quite a list to choose from.  However, having spent an evening perusing the options, when I logged back on to the computer I found that, of all the sites I had visited to have a look, this publisher’s site was the one the computer had left visible on the desk top.  There was a song in the Sixties about casting your fate to the wind, which may or may not have been inspired by constantly eating beans, who can say, but anyway, I did.

Not constantly eat beans. No, submit.

They did say that they were offering two types of contract.  The normal one and what they are calling a partner contract, where you share the costs of publication.  This is what used to be called vanity publishing which no writer worth their salt should touch with a bargepole.   There were publishers who specialised in it in days gone by and probably currently, if you were to look for them.  How this works is you send them your manuscript, they say it’s wonderful and tell you how much, you pay and some months later several boxes of books turn up for you to sell.  This is the essence of vanity publishing.

Nevertheless, this publisher did mention normal contracts in which a publisher takes a chance on a writer writing something good enough to make money for both of them.  That is the publisher’s job.  They earn by being able to pick out the authors who will sell from those who will not.  They have to be well read, or employ people who are, and be able to slog their way through all the submissions to find the needle in the haystack.  I would hate that.  I have an old friend, a great reader, who is a publisher’s reader and gets paid by the number of manuscripts she can get through.  Having spent so many years teaching, which involved reading and marking essays, I don’t think I could do that.  For the right person it’s the working from home dream job, for the wrong person it’s a nightmare.

Life is full of talent shows.  Do you watch those on television?  I have never done so, mostly because I just want everyone to succeed.  The thought that there are ‘celebrities’ happy to make a living by being nasty to hopeful people, is anathema to me.  The foundation of all this unnatural selection, sadly, is money.  One of the reasons I was so readily asked to the party as a magazine columnist was the ability my funny column had to sell magazines.  I made thousands upon thousands of pounds for the publishers at twenty pounds a page for me.  When I got sufficiently famous I went on strike and managed to up it to twenty-five pounds a page for all the writers, which was still peanuts compared to what the publishers were raking in.

It takes a lot of people to make a magazine. There are the people at the paper mills, taking trees, waste paper and rags and turning them into paper, figuring in the cost of the rag collectors, tree fellers, tree planters and others into the selling price of the huge roll of paper their machines turn out.  The huge roll of paper goes to the printers who have the printing machines, ink and these days, the computers, to figure into their costs.  I was working in a language college in the Seventies just as newspapers were changing from typeface to digital.  I used to take parties of students to the local newspaper at the time that journalists were cutting out typed columns with scissors and gluing them next to a monochrome photograph to make a page to be photographed in one room. In the next, on the other side of a glass screen, journalists were carefully ‘typing’  stories into a new fangled device called a computer, which would organise the words on to a page that only existed in the electronic brain of the computer until it was sent to the press.

By the time I was writing for the magazine it was all digital.  The people who got paid plenty were those who could work the powerful new computer programme that arranged the words and pictures to make a page.  Once the pages had been composed they could be sent to a printing press wherever in the world the costs were cheapest.  By this stage there were still a lot of office workers on the payroll.  One newspaper has become famous for failing to employ enough proof readers. Elsewhere, despite automatic spell checkers, they are still highly paid individuals because ‘making sure we are not printing rubbish’ is a continuing concern of all publishers.

Which is, of course, where the readers make their appearance.  If enough of them are engaged by the story and the way of telling it, it will get passed up to more important people who will have meetings about it and finally someone quite senior will decide if they are all going to have a flutter on having picked a winner.

The author cannot expect to make much at first, mostly because they are paying so many people, from the person who plants the pine seed in the nursery to the boy who makes the tea in the print works.  Eventually, if everyone in the food chain keeps their end up, especially the writer, the writer’s name alone will be enough to invoke the god of money who will smile upon all the toilers at the word face.

I did it once before.  Can I do it again?

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First rejection

Not entirely unexpected. In fact what did I expect sending people writing with wiggly lines underneath?  Rank amateur.  Happily they got back to me sooner than expected.  The best rejection is a fast one.  I did once have a friend who had been engaged for about a million years because she just couldn’t really commit – as the years ticked by they both got older….

Therefore, fast rejection is a good rejection.  I will now open a book and take bets on the number of people who will invoke J K Rowling and rejections and the record companies who turned the Beatles (peculiar name, do they know it’s spelled wrong?) down (funny music, no call for that.)  There will be lots.  Meanwhile a saying from the world of sport: winners never quit and quitters never win.

Accordingly a letter of enquiry has been sent to a publisher and when that comes back I will send the letter off to an agent.  I will rewrite the letter each time but later today will re-examine the partial thingy with the wiggly lines and make sure they have all vanished.

Tomorrow I’m off to the hospital for a cancer check-up.  When that is over I will hopefully be able to think more clearly.

In the meantime I am making Christmas cards now instead of in a rush in November and right now the sun is shining so I am off outside into my neglected garden.

Rejection sucks but giving up sucks your soul into a vacuum. Onwards and upwards.

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Errors show that learning is taking place.

You would hope, as you get older, to be able to avoid some of the rubbish you perpetrated when younger. You would aspire to distance having leant enchantment to the view, so that you did not rush headlong into inadvisable situations as heretofore but employ the wisdom of age to ensure that every action was considered.  You would hope in the course of a life to have acquired the knack of standing back, so that standing back had your back, so to speak and that you were not chopping yourself off at the ankles before you even got started by inconsidered and rash actions.

This is what we would wish, dear, does it eventuate? Does it heck!

I had been frustrated for months because I had finished the novel and the illustrations, had proof read the lot and was ready for ‘Houston, we have a go, we are cleared for take off, the weather is looking good, we are firing on all boosters.  I have clearance to begin the countdown.  TEN, NINE, EIGHT, SEVEN, SIX, FIve, four, Oh blast, the computer’s fallen over.’

As you know if you visit regularly.  If you visit regularly and have kept the faith during the weeks of my absence due to computerlessness, and kept coming back until I reappeared, well what can I say?  If we didn’t live so far apart I would visit with cake.  (I do a good Victoria sponge and gingerbread men that my grandchildren say are the best, I could show you a photograph of their endorsement but it fell overboard with the computer.)

So, new computer.  S&H arrive, put on basic programmes, insert antivirus, go away.  Oh dear, can shop, no programme for writing words.  Visit S&H pay through the nose for entire officey prog will probably never use, though a completely unsuspecting friend, who thinks I am intelligent, has offered to instruct me in the use of a spread sheet.  Pity, I was enjoying the friendship.  Heigh ho.

Having a computer connected to the net I removed extract, and novel from other, unconnected computer and as per instruction from S&H inserted to new computer, composed letter and submitted submission submissively and then breathed out.

Fool!  Idiot!  Nincompoop!  Halfwit!  Nellie!

I have proof read, extensively.  I am good at that.  I proof read the OH’s master’s degree essay thingy and he got a special mention for the excellence of the proof reading. One of the reasons I was so readily employed by magazines is my proof reading, I sent it, they printed it, nary a mistake dearie, always print perfect.

I had actually proof read the entire novel for spacing mistakes, that’s the gaps between the words.

So, at the writer’s group meeting, reading aloud, I found a mistake.  DAMN!  A word repeated, repeated.  Wrote twice twice.  Like Neanderthal with hairy knuckles draggin’ on the gravel and snot dribbling.  HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN DOING THIS WRITING LARK? WILL I NEVER LEARN?

So I went back to the novel on the new computer and discovered that the new computer has a different system and had bunged wiggly lines under everything it thought was a mistake.  They weren’t, they were invented words and people speaking in assorted dialects and they were EVERYWHERE.  And I had cockily without looking sent it off like that.

I am going to extend my gym routine to incorporate knee flexions. Thus I will be able to kick myself up my own arse to save anyone else the bother.

Keep reading, no doubt it will get wurse, wurserer and wursererer. The awfullest thing is that the novel celebrates the second rate and I HAVE JOINED IN.

Next one’s going to be about Pulitzer Prize winners.

Der.

Also still don’t go shopping here.  I will not know if you have done so.  I’ll tell you when it’s fixed, I appear to have left a password in the same secluded location that I left my thinking ability, if I rediscover either, you’ll be the first to know.  For now just believe that I am a person in need of knuckle bandages, the person I submitted the submission to knows, so you’ll be in good company.

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Don’t go shopping.

There’s a thing you won’t often hear a retailer say.  Please don’t go shopping here.

It’s a bit unusual, even online where strange things happen.  There are a couple of online retailers who have my email address and if I go and just have a look on their site they will then follow me back to my email and ask me why I haven’t bought anything.  This horrible trend started long ago with a famous plant company who didn’t have what I wanted but kept my money ‘against my next purchase’, needless to say I have not been back and tell their name to all gardeners I talk to.

But here I don’t want you to buy anything.

This weekend we went to see the S&H in his new house, taking three computers in a suitcase. One was the one with the novel on it because your idiot blogger could not manage to extract an extract but kept putting the whole thing on the memory stick. Der.

The second was the old computer for the S&H to extract the hard drive and see if any of the photos of the grandchildren could be salvaged.  This is a strong case for actually printing them off and sticking them in an album.  I did start doing this and then wavered slightly because each page was so flipping clever with pull-outs and pop-ups and 3D this and that it was taking several days a page.

The third was the new machine to have more details of this website added including the bit where, when you buy something, PayPal sends me notification so I know who to send it to. Setting this up requires a password.

Yes, well, passwords.

How do you remember yours? The OH keeps changing his because it is recommended and then forgetting them because he is knocking on.  There have been many telephone conversations in which he gives the listener the choice of all of his passwords, which I can’t help feel is not quite the security one is after, at all.

I put all of those pertaining to the website setting up in a file but there are lots and, of course, visiting the S&H I naturally took the wrong ones.  So please do not buy anything, I will not know you have done so at all.  I’ll tell you when it’s safe to do so. There might be a sale, I don’t know it all depends if the book finds a publisher, if it does I might be busy. 

Meanwhile, do not go shopping here, just read the nice free words, thank you.

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Back to the present

Did you miss me?  I’m sorry I’ve been away so long.  My elderly laptop died.  Like all bereavements it was quite traumatic and unexpected.  The shock dear!  I’m still reeling.

It was like this.  There was I, one evening, tired after a day gardening in the rain, thought I would just have a nice cup of tea and catch up with the fashions on QVC the shopping channel.  I now buy nearly all my clothing from QVC the shopping channel and have been doing so for about twenty years.  I hate clothes shops.  I hate snooty assistants.  I am not fond of being short. I do not like tiny changing rooms with violent floodlighting.  I do not consider a curtain to be adequate privacy.  I hate those mirrors  with the grey cast that magnify my varicose veins and I never have any idea whether anything I like in the shop will go with anything else I have at home at all.  Also, have twenty seven other people tried this on before me?  How many times have these trousers been farted inside?  Was the person who had a go of this bra before me keen on washing?  Why does this tee-shirt smell of perfume?  What is this ginger stain round the armhole?

I believe the purchase of clothing to have been traumatic for most of my life. I went to a girl’s school that had only one uniform supplier and standard sizes for each age range.  The uniform bit was up an open-plan fifties staircase with huge gaps between the treads, ensuring that the small uniformee would arrive at the changing area in a state of panic to be consistently told that I was too small for my age and would have to wear the kindergarten uniform until I was sixteen.  I don’t remember there being a changing room.  I do remember having to stand on a very slippery polished wooden floor in my underwear whilst numerous grown ups including my mother sighed deeply.  I do remember my mother’s horror at the bill. Well, it was a monopoly.  I do have crumbling photographs of me lost inside a giant grey jumper, sleeves trailing.  I do recall the weight of a wet tweed coat and having to walk home from the bus by swinging one foot and then the other as the massive garment weighed me down like a sack of wet coal.  And the smell! It was like going to school in the middle of a herd of sheep. To this day, when I see sheep I think of a school bus.

Clothing was different in the past.  A friend and old flame of my mother’s, who had never managed to leave home, finally married when his mother eventually popped off.  I was twelve at the time. The outfit bought for me was a roll-on girdle, a pair of nylon stockings, a brown houndstooth check pleated skirt and matching short sleeved high necked top with a wool trim like the teeth of a circular saw round the neckline and a pair of white gloves that cracked like lightening when you bent your fingers.

I took the lot off in the taxi on the way home and arrived in my knickers and vest with a one inch upstanding weal round my neck and was warned I would have to wear it again plenty to get the money’s worth.

Then there were the trousers of my cousin that I wore to go on a skiing trip with the school. My cousin is a tall bony girl with thin limbs.  I am a short fat girl with cabriole legs.  The trousers were half lined in order to enable the linings to wind themselves clockwise up your legs with every stride, gathering the inside seams where they were sewn to the wool outsides, into bunches.  You had to do three or four waddles and then stop and pull the trousers down your legs again.  Two hundred yards and your ankles had turned to icicles.

Then there were……………….oh you get the idea. Me and clothes. No.

So shopping channels which have a guaranteed money back return policy and the opportunity to try stuff on a home and look in a mirror which has been educated to your requirements with everything else you already have? Show me where to sign up.

So ‘twas in the middle of a very necessary fashion show with spindly models demonstrating  assorted clothing on a person rather than a hanger that the computer screen suddenly did rainbows, a test card, a migraine pattern and then nothing.

As I have not even had email I couldn’t tell regular correspondents what was the problem.  But here we are up and running again.  Can’t find a photograph management system I understand.  Haven’t got a document writing system yet.  The S&H, however, advised on make and model and came two days ago and set up quite a bit of it and here we are.

I hope this will work, let me know if there’s a problem.  Next weekend we’re off to the S&H’s so he can attempt to retrieve everything his idiot mother had not backed up.  The only item I had a paper copy of was some of the email addresses, so if you want me to write to you write to me and I’ll reply.

But first, clothes shopping, online where nature intended it to be.

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