It’s Monday morning…….who invented that? What a rubbish way to begin the week. I much prefer Thursday afternoon at 4 o’ clock with a cup of tea and a bit of cake. We will have to wait till the week wends its way onwards so let’s console ourselves with a bit of Knickerbocker Glory. For the new readers who have found us I’ll just mention that these are extracts from a radio series I submitted to steam radio long ago when the world was young, which limped back home with a slight sprinkle of genuine BBC corridor dust. So far we’ve had a couple of helpings of Uncle Reg’s niece, who is trying to run a phone service from a pig farm and a couple of dollops of a radio archaeology programme. You can access the archive via the Knickerbocker Glory button to the right of this column.
How are you on the voices? You’ll need three for Archaeology Now: a rural one for Very Devon, something neutral for Derek Here, who we suspect, does all the digging, and the most annoying voice you can get for the coracle man, who would like to be included and star in a radio programme. He’s the equivalent of the grinning kid whose head you see sideways behind the reporter in TV breaking news broadcasts. Except with radio there’s no way you can narrow the angle, if it’s on mike, it’s in.
If you’ve gargled and gone ‘me, me, me’ you’re on.
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Archaeology Now
Scrolls.
A quick burst of theme music, tambours and shawms.
Very Devon ’Ello and welcome to Archaeology Now. I’m Very
Devon and this is my assistant, Derek Here. Today
we’re at a well known archaeological site. It’s a temple
to Mithras first documented in the late Thirties but
covered up again during the war. As you may have
read in the papers the site is going to be right
underneath the new M700 extension, so it’s being
uncovered and photographed now before it’s entombed
in a concrete shell to preserve it for future generations.
What do we know about the temple, Derek?
Derek Here Well Dev, the temple, which is down these steps, was
actually built as an under ground structure because
it was secret.
Very Devon So ’oo would go in it then, Derek?
Derek Here Probably just the priests, Dev. They would go in and
do their rituals and then come out and prophesy.
Very Devon And we know this because of the scrolls, don’t we
Derek?
Derek Here Yes we do. The first and second excavations were
through the roof and they found the holes were full
of scrolls.
Very Devon Rolls of scrolls down the ’oles. My word. But we’re
luckier today because we can go though the door.
Derek Here Indeed we can and here we are in the chamber, Dev.
The niches to our right and left were full of scrolls. On
either side are the stone benches you’d expect in this
type of temple and down at the end is what looks like
the shell of a giant tortoise, or the bottom of a round
boat. I don’t remember seeing that at rehearsals.
Very Devon Neither do I. Perhaps if we was to turn it round…….
Coracle Man Hello, it’s me! I’m the oracle with the coracle.
Very Devon ’Oo let you in?
Coracle Man Nobody. I just popped down a hole. I’m the oracle
with a coracle. I know all about it, I’ve been to the
library and asked. I can prophesy.
Very Devon I can prophesy you’re going to be in trouble. You’re
not authentic.
Coracle Man Yes I am. I can read the prunes.
Very Devon Read the prunes?
Coracle Man Yes, I just put my hand in this bag of prunes and feel
the wrinkles, then I tell you all about it.
Very Devon Reading prunes isn’t Roman.
Coracle Man How about casting entrails? Look?
Derek Here Casting entrails is Roman, Dev.
Very Devon Yes but not plaster casts.
Coracle Man Do you want to pull a wishbone? Go on, close your
eyes and make a wish.
Very Devon I wish you’d go away and take all this rubbish with
you.
Coracle Man I could throw the dice.
Derek Here We could throw you out.
Coracle Man I could feel your bumps.
Very Devon Get your ’ands off me, you little pervert in a punt and
get out before we give you some bumps of your own
to feel.
Derek Here Yes, go away.
Coracle Man I can feel the red mist. I can see the future. I could
read you next week’s horoscopes. I’m not leaving
till I’ve told you tomorrow’s shipping forecast.
Derek Here I think he’s gone completely barmy, Dev.
Very Devon It’s being down this gloomy temple, Derek. It gets
to you after a bit.
Derek Here What shall we do?
Very Devon Oh, pop a tarpaulin over him and go off to the pub.
Theme tune
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JaneLaverick.com – where we predict that starting the week with a laugh will make it a little less awful. For three minutes. After that you’re on your own. Do you open the post and read the bills before you read this, or the other way on? Or do you read this, read the bad news quickly and then read this again sloooowly?
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