Midweek Miniatura, miniature marvels.

Last week when I dropped a hefty hint about the handiness of the show brochure, you may have thought that one of the categories, retailer, sounded a bit boring.  To be fair, you would only have thought that if you are not a miniaturist.  As enthusiasts are well aware, the smaller it gets the more interesting it becomes and the harder the hunt for the good stuff to make or collect.  As miniatures are enjoyed in many countries round the world, so hobbyists are indebted to retailers who do all the legwork necessary to get everything in one place so that all we have to do is choose.

A good case in point would be Judith Dowden who trades as In Some Small Way and imports smaller scale houses and kits. Smaller scale, here meaning less than twelfth scale and all the way down to dolls houses to go in dolls houses, which could be a 144th scale to go in a 12th scale house.  If that sounds confusing, perhaps a picture will clarify matters.

Judith

To the uninitiated this looks like a nice dolls’ house cabinet and at 8 inches tall, 5 inches wide and 1 1/2 inches deep, you’d think it was a perfect 12th scale replica of a full size item, which it is.  However, as miniaturists are well aware, two or three hundred years ago Dutch society ladies were prone to turning exactly such pieces of furniture into dolls’ houses.  They did it so well that some have survived and can be visited in museums or historic houses.  Unless, that is, you’re a miniaturist, in which case, you can have one of your own!

Judith. interior 

Judith close up

The six rooms of the house part of this cabinet fit in a space roughly equal to the size of your hand. No piece of furniture is taller than 3/4 inch (that’s 2cm).  You don’t have to have a dolls’ house to put this in, some miniaturists don’t have houses, just a collection of little things.  This little thing would be a talking point on your real mantelpiece but would you stick your choice of furniture down so you could hand it to people when they asked, or would you have it loose so you could rearrange it?  Would you keep a spare set of completely different furniture in the drawers?  More micro-miniatures at www.insomesmallway.co.uk

The marvel to the new miniaturist is the discovery that everything that exists in full size life also exists in miniature, including antique items that you’d be lucky to find at all in real life. Miniature collectables are made anew to replicate broken, lost or rare bygones, by craftsmen with full size lifetime skills.  Glass is a good example of this type of miniature and Phil Grenyer of Glasscraft is such a craftsman.  Glass is a very difficult substance to work with, fully justifying the five year apprenticeship required to acquire the skills.  Many skilled miniaturists wear their abilities very lightly; when I interviewed Phil some years ago I recall him tossing the phrase ‘Oh you don’t want to be walking on too much broken glass, you know,’  into the conversation.  Here are some examples of the beautiful things he makes, so unassumingly.  If you do visit the Glasscraft stand, you shouldn’t let the pocket money prices fool you. As with all  miniatures, first you have to find a group of craftsmen able to produce the work and then some willing to have a go in miniature and then one or two of those who will keep trying until they get really good at it. Like this:

Phil

If you wanted to collect full size Victorian Cranberry glass you would need deep pockets and a good deal of patience, the hunt would be painstaking and the trophies, if undamaged, pricey to say the least.  If you decide to make your collection in miniature, you’ll be spoilt for choice, the picture shows just a tiny sample of Phil’s range.  This is the hobby for the average collector with champagne tastes and beer money with the added incentive that you don’t need much space for an extensive collection and that practically everything that’s lovely in full size is even lovelier in miniature.

Painstaking is an apt adjective for Miniatura craftspeople.  Some go to extraordinary lengths for their art.  Annie Willis, who you will find at the show under the name of Fine Design, is as painstaking as they come.  Annie makes really furry, feathery creatures  by sticking the fur and feathers on one hair at a time, in what by now must be numbered in many thousands of individually glued hairs. Oh yes she does. The result is strokeable cats, pattable dogs and cuddly hamsters.  I first met one of Annie’s rabbits in a dolls’ house shop, years before I met Annie.  I must have had the bunny about twenty years at least and it hasn’t moulted yet and is still as furrily appealing as ever.  Here is the latest tableau, which is a genuine work of art, one feather at a time, this is so new from the artist it hasn’t been named yet.

Annie

Impressive as a set piece, like all of Annie’s work this is better in the hand because of the strokeability, it’s hard to keep your mitts off the feathery breast of the hen or the little fluffy chicks. I like the way Annie has made them so you can see what the birds are thinking.

If your collector fingers have started itching, further details are at www.miniatura.co.uk as always, where you will see the show described as Miniatura International for good reasons.  The three artisans featured here, although resident in the UK, hail from America, the North East of England and Australia respectively and are representative of the craftsmanship on show from many nations.  In miniatures we rejoice in our varied abilities and our coming together to celebrate the pleasure that can be taken in a world you can hold in your hand.

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L’Oscar acceptance speech de moi.

1st draft.

Little did I dream when I accidentally backed into shot whilst sweeping up the leaves five times (wait for the laugh) that I would be written into the script, what with the running out of light and film. Man Sweeping Leaves has been, I think I may say, an important role for me and for the film industry.  The inclusion of ‘reality’ figures brings l’art du acktor to a new and wonderful high and I can hardly believe that Angelina trod these boards right before I did to get another of these lovely doorstops (brandish shampoo bottle, wait for the laugh).  When Fred took me to one side and said, as only he could do, the words that will remain with me for ever: ‘What’s your name?  We’re going to have to write you in, unfortunately’.  My heart leapt and I immediately wanted to thank God, my mother and the Academy members who voted for me.

Who would have thought, who would ever have thought that the end of shoot party, to which I was not invited, would by chance have been held in a cliff top hotel on the very night it became a cliff bottom hotel?  I accept these three awards on behalf of the other acktors, many of whom you may have heard of, quite a bit. They will never be forgotten, who ever they were, and I am conscious of their part in my meteoric rise to fame, as the papers and television had no one left to interview and every word I said about Man Sweeping Leaves was said, at length, with honesty and that very good wiggly eyebrow I can do sometimes.

The storm of media attention has lead to enquiries about roles in other films, that I cannot mention here.  If you were to keep an ear open for Man Getting Off Bus and also Person In Queue, you would not be disappointed, I promise.  My new CD will be out just as soon as I’ve formed a band.

In conclusion I would like to say

Roland are you in there?

Yes Mum, nearly finished.  I would like to say

There’s other people need to use the bathroom you know. Are you squeezing spots again?  You know it makes your chin sore.

That I will be famous for ever.  There you are, I’m done. Honestly, there’s nowhere in this house you can get a minute to your self.

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2nd draft.

Thank you thank you thank you.  I am so happy now that I am more famous than Gwynneth, Glen and a whole load of other people beginning with G. I may not have very long, long legs,  in fact I may have short, quite full legs, especially in the thigh, but I hope to prove that anyone can act and that winning an Oscar does not depend on having a flat stomach or a very expensive dress looking like hotel curtains with glitter to stick your long thin leg out of.

I would also like to point out that girls who cannot grow their hair long, who have it breaking off at ear length although it was properly conditioned, can still get their pictures in the paper.  And you don’t have to have one of those hundreds of dollars handbags either.  As I lean forward into the microphone I notice a moustache at the corners. Oh no, I can’t go out like that,I’m going to miss the train!

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3rd draft.

I would like to accept this award on behalf of my family, who are out having lives.  I would like to thank them for all the mess they make for me to clear up.  Speaking as Best Mother In A Supporting role, I would like to thank microfibre, for help with the polishing, bleach for the black bits and that pink stuff that gets out the stubborn stains. In accepting this solid gold statue that I could sell and have a new laptop, oven, and all the bedding plants I want for round the porch, I would like to remind you that I also have a birthday coming up and would like something better than the promise of a day out that I never got, that I had last year. In conclusion I would like to say that that’s the mirror done, I’m finished in here and I’m going to have a cup of tea and half an hour of shopping telly before I get started on the dinner.

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JaneLaverick.com bringing you the Oscars from bathrooms everywhere.

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Knackerbockers.

There will be no Knickerbocker Glory this Friday, not even a lick of the spoon.  It’s ten at night on Thursday and I’ve just stopped rubbing down porcelain, which I’ve been doing all day.  I’m beyond knackered and need to get to bed so can get up, do some glazing and prep and load the kiln before I turn it on.  I want to do that just after the other half has gone to golf so it will go off before he gets back.  Now the reason for this is that the kiln lives in the garage, along with several dolls houses, the barbecue, the tools, the porcelain slip, the big moulds, the lawnmower, the ladder, wood mouldings, plaster of Paris, spare concrete, four indispensible yellow trugs, a dead garden recliner, a half-made games machine, the gardening tools, seed trays and compost, buckets full of non matching screws and nails, Arthur Mee’s Children’s Encyclopaedia and, most crucially, the golf clubs.  The car?  In the garage?  Don’t be daft!

So the thing is, if the up and over garage door whooshes up for golfing purposes while the kiln is on, you get a blast of icy air and possibly dust up the peepholes.  And I’m not having that.  In the rest of the house I am a slut’s slut.  If there is dust, I take my contact lenses out, which makes it go right away.  A miniaturist once told me that dirty windows were an excellent crime prevention measure because they stopped burglars seeing inside and I thought it was such a good idea I have stuck to it ever since (and the windows, obviously).  But dust near the kiln that might embed itself in the dolls as black specks?  Perish the thought!  The floor under the kiln is so clean you could eat your dinner off that bit of concrete, not that I’d let you. You can march straight into the hall, on what I laughingly call the carpet, in your wellies if you like, all I’ll say is ‘hello’ but breathe dustily near the kiln and I will go berserk.

So time is tight and something has to go.  As it takes about three hours to type and proof read  a pre-written piece and at least a day for an original, I’m not even going to do the thing where I think of words for writing half way through my shower and dash downstairs to the computer in my underwear (which is a strange place to keep a computer but is obviously normal, other wise it would be called a jeanstop and not a laptop.)

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It’s nice to be normal, I hope you agree, if you’ll excuse me I have a garage floor to vacuum and polish before bed.

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Midweek Miniatura, tickets and travel.

If you have been introduced to the joys of collecting in miniature and the premier show at which to do that, through this column, you might be wondering how to get there and get in.

Miniatura is held at the NEC which is the National Exhibition Centre just outside of Birmingham UK. The Centre is directly connected to air, rail and road  terminals on its own site, with hotels onsite too.  Huge car parks all have circulating free shuttle buses to take visitors to the halls.  Halls are self contained with rest rooms and refreshments so there’s everything you need to enjoy a lovely day out indoors, perfect for British weather, you may think. If you visit the NEC website at www.necgroup.co.uk you can find out which other shows are on during the Miniatura weekend, which is the 27th and 28th of March.  It’s worth knowing that Miniatura tickets include free car parking worth £8, for which you’ll be given a voucher as you leave the hall.

Stop Press BREAKING NEWS!  There are still just a few weekend and Collector’s Day tickets left, though there probably won’t be for very long after I’ve posted this.  On Saturday Miniatura visitor  numbers are restricted and by pre-purchased ticket entry only.  If you love a show but hate a crowd, this is the one for you, tickets are £11 please ring the ticket hotline 0121 767 4100 or Miniatura 0121 783 9922.  The weekend ticket is a bargain at £14-50.  When I was a visitor myself it was always my (unfulfilled) ambition to visit on both days.  The show is regularly 250 exhibitors, all working in miniature, which takes just as much looking as 250 full sized shops would.  However if one day on the spur of the moment is your preference, the Sunday is £5-50 paid in advance (ring the ticket line) or £7 for adults, £6 for seniors if you choose to pay at the door.

It should be said that if you visit the show with limited time you can still get your money’s worth of looking.  Bob Hopwood spends many weeks lost in the floor plan, ensuring that if you only managed a quarter of the hall you would still see a representative sampling of what is on offer.

Whether flitting through or staying until they prise your hands off the door at closing time, the Miniatura brochure is a good investment.  Exhibitors are listed alphabetically with a brief description of what they’re selling and their contact details.  If you mark the brochure floor plan as you go round, you can ring exhibitors after the show (ideally during the week, straight after the show they’ll be driving or flying  home or lying flat and doing breathing) to see if they have any left, any on their website, or one for you, now you have the money you ran out of at the show.  It’s worth taking real money (there are cash points by the halls,) because many of the craftspeople are small traders. I could never afford to accept payment by plastic cards as my bank charged me £1000 a year for each one, for one card I’d be working for the bank and for five, for free. A cheque book from a British bank would be an acceptable back-up for most stand holders.  Some do take plastic but they are mainly retailers.

Some disciplined shoppers see the craftspeople first and the retailers later. Some work their way methodically round the hall by floor plan.  Some, amazingly, have a shopping list.  The glory of the hobby is undoubtedly the ‘one craftsman one artefact’ aspect of the hobby and you should be aware that other shoppers know this.  If you fall in love with something, do ask if there’s another.  Don’t expect the stand holder to put it by until you come back, many shoppers with every intention of returning get lost in the hall.  If you see it and you love it and it’s the only one there is, you’d be crackers to let it go.  The majority of art items for sale in the hall are made by human hands, many by people who spent entire careers first making the same things in full size; this is not a hobby with thousands of mass produced kits, or largely consisting of plastic factory made ‘collectables’ which is why it is so popular with collectors.  However, the show organisers do strive for something in every price bracket from junior pocket money to museum acquisitions director, which is why the show is so popular with everyone.

The brochure precedes each description with a letter C, R, or S. These stand for Craftsman, someone who wholly or partially makes what they are selling, therefore the most likely to have the ‘one off’ items, a Retailer, who is selling as a shop does or a Supplier/Support service, who is not selling miniature art but the stuff needed to produce it, for example the tool stalls which always have a terrific selection of specialist items that are hard to find otherwise.  There’s nothing quite like getting your mitts on the actual saw you fancy or hefting tweezers to see if they’re fine enough for what you have in mind.  Oh I do love the tool stands. And the wood stands.  And the haberdashery.  And the fabrics.

Also in the brochure this time there is a list of new exhibitors.  If you can find the time to see them and give encouragement that would be a good deed indeed.  I remember my first show and recall standing like a lemon while visitors dashed past in search of their old favourites.  Taking time to have a look at who is new and hot does you a favour too, if you like what you see.  There have been instances of rapid rises to fame having to be dealt with by a rise in prices at subsequent shows.

Also in the brochure will be a list of exclusive exhibitors.  These are always worth a look, because Miniatura is the only place you can do so.  I’m one of them, you can only get my stuff here on my site or at the Min.  That’s it until someone invents the 50 hour day.  There are a few others like me, all listed in the brochure;  a document, which, being updated twice a year for the show, is also your most recent listing of the premier artisans in the world to date and their contact details.  Many of the exhibitors accept commissions or will ‘make a similar one for you’ if you weren’t fast enough to bag the one you fancied.  Some shoppers order items at one show to collect at the next.

If you have any questions about the show or getting there please do contact me or the organisers and have a look on the website www.miniatura.co.uk.

After all that information I hardly have time to tell you what the artisans are up to (mainly because I’ve just spent a straight 9 hours standing in my kitchen pouring porcelain.)  But I can show you a sweet little selection from new exhibitor Sindy Stanley, who is clearly feeling that Spring is in the air.

Sindy doll 3 Sindy doll 2

  Sindy doll 4 Sindy doll 5

From Germany Bettina Kaminski reports that she has finished her dogs.  Now, apparently, her real dog, Herzi, is looking after the miniatures, while Bettina begins on the cats.

Bettina dog

Do stop by to read more about Miniatura next week, I’m off to have the experience most experienced  exhibitors want most of all – concentrated sleep!

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Knickerbocker Glory with silver paper biscuits.

Sad to say, if you’ve been enjoying her efforts to run a phone service, this is the last outing for Uncle Reg’s niece.  I only wrote six half hour radio plays and once they were rejected, as I had nowhere else to send them, I stopped.  I had spent many hours reading them aloud, recording and timing everything with a stop watch.  Words were pruned to forge a fit.  However, there are still two of Archaeology Now to go and then six of the piece de resistance, each about a quarter of an hour’s worth of play and a heck of a lot of typing.  I think I may have originally done them all on a borrowed word processor, not by any means my most antediluvian hot metal word machine.  I still have the office-sale typewriter I was bought at the age of eight on the basis that being female I was likely to work in a typing pool.  As the machine in question has no semi colon, I was probably headed for more of a typing puddle.  Could be worse.  Could be on a pig farm.

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                                Story of the day.

Dialling tone.  Quick burst of nursery music.

Uncle Reg’s Niece      Hello, youngster, this is the Uncle Reg story time phone service.  Reg Smith is the two oh one oh doodah thingy calling. Before I can tell you the story you must ask permission from the person who pays the phone bill because it’s polite and because you’ll cop it if you don’t.

Another quick burst of nursery music.

Uncle Reg’s Niece     The story for today is the three little pigs.  Once upon a time there was three little pigs.  Three is not many for a litter, perhaps the sow had a poor diet.  Anyway.  There was three little pigs.  All on their own.  Abandoned.  So they decided to build a house.  That’s silly really because pigs live in sties if they’re on an old fashioned farm or in the field with corrugated huts if it’s modern.  Some of ours are modern, though the little ones are in the barn.  The bacon pigs are all in the fields though.  Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that, should I?  Forget I said it.  And I won’t mention lard at all.  Even though we have got a barn full of it.  Not the barn the pigs are in, of course.  You couldn’t keep fat off dead pigs and live pigs in the same barn.  Well you could, but it wouldn’t be advisable.  Or very clean.

Anyway, youngster, the three little pigs were building houses, not that they could because they’ve got the wrong sort of hands.  Well they haven’t got any hands at all really, they’re all feet.  They couldn’t pick up a trowel or anything.  Though they must have done in the story.  Well it is only a story, I suppose.  All about pigs written by someone who knew nothing about pigs, not one thing.  Daft really.  I expect it was written before modern farming advances and that.

Anyway, the first pig builds his house out of straw.  The second pig builds his house out of wood.  I’d like to see a pig with a saw, very fanciful.  And the third pig uses bricks.  Even more fanciful.  And this wolf comes along and he says ‘I’ll huff and puff and blow your house down’.  That’s rubbish too because wolves can’t talk but that’s what happens in the story and the wolf blows the straw house down.  So the pig that was in the straw house goes to live with the pig that built the wooden house.

That must have been annoying.  Just when he’s got his wooden house all nicely built with curtains up and a nice sofa and the telephone in and that; his relatives come to stay.  I don’t mind them coming but why is it that when they get first choice of the biscuits they always pick the nice one with the silver paper on?  You never get visitors going ‘Ooh, a custard cream,’ and picking that, do you?  Oh well, never mind.  I do a bit though because we only ever have ones with silver paper on when we’ve got visitors.

So, youngster, the wolf says to the two little pigs in the wooden house, ‘ I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down,’ and he does.  Actually you couldn’t have pigs in wooden houses anyway, they would knock them down themselves.  They’re ever so strong you know.  And fast when they get up to a run.  I had to go in Beatrice’s pen to get a piglet out that she was sitting on and she got mad and ran at me.  I had to jump the barrier ever so fast.  And that’s metal that is.  Not straw or wood.  Pigs would smash straw or wood all by themselves.  They can be quite destructive, pigs.

So the three little pigs are all in the brick house.  I wonder who got the silver paper biscuits when there were three of them?  The first two pigs, I expect.  The third pig would have to wait and be polite because it was his house.  He would have to hand them round and the other pigs would go ‘Ooh, silver paper biscuits, I’ll have one of them,’ and there wouldn’t be any left for him.  Sad, really.  You do feel quite sad when you never get the silver paper ones.  I would really appreciate them, more than other people who just scoff them quickly.  I would eat them very, very slowly.  All round the edges and taste them a lot.  I sometimes think silver paper biscuits are wasted on other people.

Anyway, there the three little pigs are in the brick house, youngster.  And the bad wolf comes along and says, unrealistically, again, ‘I’ll huff and puff and blow your house down.’  So he huffs and puffs but he can’t blow the house down because it’s made of bricks.  That’s a lie, too.  When the elm tree got blown down in a gale it utterly demolished the dairy.  There was just this tiny corner of it left.  We weren’t using it as a dairy, though, we were using it as a feed store.  We’re still waiting for the insurance to come through.  That’s why we’ve got all these pig vitamins in the kitchen.  There’s sacks and sacks of them all piled up.  I’m surprised the pigs eat them really.  They don’t taste very nice, not even the pink ones.

Anyway the pigs in the story didn’t have vitamins so they ate the wolf instead.  And that is the story of the three little pigs, youngster.  There will be another story tomorrow and if I can find the book, which is here somewhere, it’ll be Cinderella.  But don’t ring before lunch because I’ve got to sweep the yard tomorrow morning.  We had a mass pig escape because someone forgot to shut a door; you wouldn’t believe the mess in the yard by the time we got them all back in.  They’re evil sometimes, pigs are.  I don’t blame the wolf at all, they get on my wick too.

Anyway, thank you caller, Uncle Reg is the twenty doodah calling.

Click brrrr.

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JaneLaverick.com – starting a pig of a week with a biscuit and hoping this week you get your share of the silver paper ones.

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Breeches.

For some time I have been quietly putting un-dressable dolls on the show table.  I started this way 17 years ago but at the time could only make glued wigs, which had hairstyles that were totally trashed by pulling clothes up over the head. Very realistic, you might think, but not what collectors were after.  Having more or less got the hang of my own invention of miniature brushable wigs, I have now been able again to make small versions of real removable clothing, slightly simplified for the scale, nevertheless clothing that would have been recognisable to people of the era.  I don’t think you could dress and undress the dolls very often; you do need tweezers to get the buttons through the button holes and the fine fabrics are of limited strength.  The dolls dressed with removable clothes are mainly 12th scale adults at present. However, it does mean I can now return to one of my passions: costume history.

I first became interested as a teenage am. dram. queen.  I trod enough boards to understand how much the clothing we wear influences the way we think.  It’s really quite extraordinary.  The breathable, washable, stretchy, comfortable clothing of today combined with central heating and fast food give us a relaxed attitude to life that would been inconceivable to our hungry, cold, tight-laced ancestors.  Clothing of the past was a major investment for the wearer and expected to last a long time.  Before the recent invention of trouser fabric with added stretch, breeches were the accommodating outer nether garment for gentlemen and not so gentle men for three hundred years in Britain.  Early versions, long and very short began to be worn in the sixteenth century and variants continued into the first two decades of the nineteenth century.

Here’s a chap to show you what would be boring to tell you, he could be from the latter part of the eighteenth century right up to the change to long trousers if he lived in an unfashionable rural area.

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As you can see from the large picture where he is putting his breeches on, these were highly adjustable garments.  There are two rows of buttons to fasten the front.  For attending to the calls of nature one button will do, for more room for a chap who has supped very well, a discreet button released on either side will still leave him dressed but able to breathe.  Similarly for his wife, accommodating his changing figure as he ages, the buttons can be moved in slanting lines to cover a corporation being carried low or high and for leaner times, when the buttons are moved closer, the spare fabric is simply overlapped on the inside.  The adjustability doesn’t end there.  As you can see it wasn’t only Bobby Shafto who had silver buckles at his knee; breeches had metal buckles which could be loosened to lengthen the leg and tuck it flat into riding boots, or tightened to pull the garment up at the knees for warm weather and wading across streams.  Such latitude in the length was no doubt a great relief to the mothers of growing boys. Breeches of quality gentlemen in portraits are frequently shown to fit the leg closely; however, a visit to a costume museum with enough samples might persuade you that ‘close fitting and fine cloth’ are less usual descriptions than ‘voluminous and hard wearing.’  A remarkable garment, replaced by many others but unequalled in usefulness.

I’ve given my chap hose joined at the top.  Although Queen Elizabeth the First was the first person in history to wear machine knitted stockings, garments that we would recognise as tights, albeit very loose fitting, were worn from early mediaeval times.  There is a tendency for under garments to become outer wear and sometimes for the reverse to occur.  This happened long before Madonna went on stage in her bra.  In the margins of Piers Plowman and other mediaeval manuscripts, illustrations show the peasants working in the fields in long hose, tied at the waist, and loose shirts.  Such depictions are common around the twelfth century, which might place Robin Hood and his men in tights in this era.  In a couple of hundred years the tights have vanished under long robes but sometimes what is being worn under there is a knee length version, the precursor of breeches.

What would Mr Darcy have thought of Lycra?  Whilst it is more practical for swimming in than your shirt and breeches, somehow the proof of the historical pudding is that everyday clothes in unusual circumstances are always worth a second and third look.

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Here we are at the end of London fashion week.  Were there any breeches on the runways?  There were certainly close fitting high collared coats and underneath the models were wearing the modern descendants of early mediaeval tights, a garment arguably a thousand years old.  The more some things change, the more they stay the same.

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Midweek Miniatura – new exhibitors.

One of the great joys of Miniatura is spotting the new exhibitors.  To get a table at the show they have been deemed good enough to exhibit and then put in competition with all the other artisans who would also love to be part of this best in show of all the shows.

I spoke to three of the new artists.  To a miniaturist they were excited, concerned, full of questions and, as you will see from the photographs, incredibly able.

Kelm 2

How utterly fantastic is this?

This is the work of Kastle Kelm, a husband and wife team who are showing the fruits of long time miniaturist and and clay sculptor Jenny’s working association with her husband Mike, an art director in the film industry.  Mike has miniaturised the things he enjoyed doing in full size, but now without the budgetary constraints, and the joy is evident.   I had planned to show you one picture from each exhibitor but I just have to break my own rule to show this from Kastle Kelm:

Kelm 1

Oh wow, I’ll race you to their stand.

Sometimes new exhibitors come across as such personalities when I meet them at the show, that I just know you’re going to love them.  I have only spoken to Linda Toerzey of Simply Silk Miniatures on the phone but I think it’s quite safe to predict there will be a crowd round her stand and they’ll all be laughing.  Linda makes swags and tails curtains and silk corsets sets and dressed wedding tables and canopy beds.  She describes her work as ‘very OTT with gold beads.’   Here’s a little sample but you can see more at www.simplysilkminiatures.com a site that’s as full of personality as Linda.

Linda 2 Linda 4

Tim Hartnall of Anglia Dolls Houses started exhibiting elsewhere about seven years ago, stopped but restarted after a phone call from a collector asking if Tim was still making houses. Tim’s love of architecture is apparent in this wonderful Georgian confection. He has seven basic houses to adapt to customer’s paint preferences and options.  I can see these houses appealing to ‘one perfect house’ miniaturists, non decorators and those whose main focus is a fabulous finished setting for their collection.  Tim is bringing a couple of examples to the show; if these are for you up to the point of commissioning one, you can visit Tim during the build at Ely, Cambridgeshire.  Meanwhile you may wish to visit him right now at www.angliadollshouses.co.uk 

Cambridge House general view of interior

Very classy. This would grace any real house and truly be an heirloom.

It would be remiss of me not to give you the lowdown on new exhibitor Sindy Stanley.  We’ve been tracking Sindy since January in this column.  When I rang today she was agonising over what to put in the Miniatura brochure.  If you had read the exhibitor instructions you would know that exaggerated claims and flowery language are specifically prohibited, so the task is to sum up your life’s work in about three modest, self-effacing but totally accurate sentences that make you stand out from the other two and a half hundred world class exhibitors faced with exactly the same impossible task.

So the job for the new artists is to be world class good enough to get there, be modest whilst attracting notice about it in print and then just fill a gigantic six foot table with tiny perfect and detailed miniature art.  After that all they have to do is get up at the crack of dawn, make a stunning display, talk intelligently to several thousand people they’ve never seen in their lives before, do it all again on Sunday after an hour’s less sleep (because the clocks go back Miniatura weekend) pack it all up and get back  home again without having a nervous breakdown.

Happily they can all do it because they are all Miniatura exhibitors.  I picked these three completely at random from the list with absolute confidence that they would all be worth a good look, as is every table at the show. What you get free with every Miniatura visit is exhausted eyeballs and a wonderful wave of happiness.

See if you can pick out the other newbies at www.miniatura.co.uk

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Spot the deliberate mistale.

I’m surprised that no one emailed me remarking on the deloberate mistale in Monday’s posting.  Of course it isn’t every day of the week, somewhere on the planet.  It is, on another much larger planet and also possibly on a smaller one that spins rather quickly.  The news here is much worse; if you are an airline pilot, flying at the right speed in the right direction you can have an entire 24 hours of Monday morning. No wonder pilots are so highly paid.

If you subscribe to the current theory that all possible scenarios actually happen somewhere in the universe, then not only is there a planet where you are the absolute ruler and another where your computer is made of toffee and quacks to let you know it’s just microwaved another cup of engine oil for your pet shoe, there’s also a planet where they live backwards.

There they have a five day weekend where they all start off in a heap at the bottom of the sofa stuffed with junk food after which they have to walk backwards into work for two frantic days of shredding the work they did the previous week.  Old people have free counselling for the approaching horror of getting born and teenage boys think they know everything.  This last fact is referred to as Laverick’s Constant.

Worse still is the huge black hole at the centre of the galaxy filled with all the odd socks that disappear from washing machines all over the known universe. Space ships that get sucked in are mysteriously ejected elsewhere dyed blotchy pink with unravelled edges even though there are no red underpants in the black hole at all, and if there are, they weren’t mine.

You can, however, blame me for making an exhibition of three of the new Miniatura exhibitors tomorrow, a full month before the show. Remember, you read it here first, or will do, tomorrow, unless you’re living backwards, in which case, weren’t they great? Another impossibility is that the standard of miniature art just keeps getting better but it does, as you know if you live on htraE tenalp.  Though you don’t have to live backwards to get the benefit, just tune in on Wednesday for Midweek Miniatura. But I expect, if you’re a regular reader, you already knew that. (Could you hum some spooky sci-fi music please?) (Thank you!)

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Fountains to Knickerbocker Glory.

Ooh hello, Monday morning. Well, it will be if I’ve managed to set the automatic posting.  It didn’t work last time, almost certainly due to an error with the bit of equipment situated between the chair and the keyboard.  So I might set it for midnight and then stay up to see if it does it.  The interesting thing of course is that it might not be midnight where you are.  Does this mean you have your Monday morning in the middle of the afternoon?  That would definitely take the edge off it.

Assuming that you are having your Monday morning on Monday morning, and at this point I am sobered by the thought that it is always Monday morning somewhere and, equally, cheered by the thought that it is also Friday afternoon somewhere, always.  Thinking about the globe, somebody on your latitude is having a birthday right now. Look North and South and see if you can see cake.  Cake!  Hooray!  Though not for me, I lost 5 pounds weight not eating for a fortnight with flu and in two days of eating again had put it all back on again.  I think I’ve got Italian ancestry, probably the goddess Abondanza.  If I didn’t work out every day I’d be spherical.

However, whatever time it is where you are right now, it’s time for pudding.  Let’s put a fountain on the top of the Knickerbocker Glory and see what that looks like.  Oh yes, very decorative.

               &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

                                  Archaeology Now
                                       Fountains

Quick burst of Early English theme music, tambours and shawms.

Very Devon     ’Ello and welcome back to Archaeology Now with me, 
                  Very Devon and my assistant, Derek Here.  When you
                  left us this morning we were not ’aving much luck with
                  trench five.

Derek Here     Similar to the luck we had with trenches one, two, three
                  and four, Dev.

Very Devon     Thank you, Derek.  But since you left us we’ve ’ad a 
                  development.  What’s developed, Derek?

Derek Here     Mostly this blister on my thumb, Dev. But we’ve had
                  some exciting results from the geophiz up at the top end
                  of the lawn.

Very Devon     Yes indeed we ’ave.  It looks like a dark mark which I
                  think might be the edges of the outer wall.  We weren’t
                  originally going to ask the land owner if we could dig at
                  the top of the lawn, were we Derek?

Derek Here     No we weren’t, because he told us we couldn’t.

Very Devon      Well ’e did say that but we were ’oping to persuade
                   ’im otherwise.  ’Ere ’e is now.

Land Owner      Ah, hello there. I understand there’s been a 
                   development.

Very Devon       Well only in the sense that nothing’s ’appened.  So
                  we’re ’oping to dig sort of towards the upper area
                  of the lawn where the geophiz indicates something 
                  which could very well be something.

Land Owner     I didn’t really want you to dig up at the top end in
                  case it breaks the edges of the ornamental flower bed.

Very Devon     Well I wouldn’t say it will break the edges of the 
                  flower bed, will it Derek?

Derek Here     No, because we want to dig right in the middle.

Very Devon     Thank you, Derek, I wish you did subtle.  So,
                  would that be all right, then?

Land Owner    I’ll have to ask my wife, she’s very funny about her
                 roses.  By the way there’s a chap turned up at the door
                 wearing a boat.  He says he’s with you.  When he’s
                 finished his tea and cake she’ll bring him through.

Coracle Man   Hello!  It’s me!  Good gracious, what a lot of trenches.
                 You have been busy.  I bet this was a really nice lawn
                 before you dug it up.  Have you found some wonderful
                 historical artefacts to justify this wholesale destruction?

Very Devon    ’Oo let you in?

Coracle Man   A very nice lady who gave me tea and cake.  I’ve been
                 showing her my rash.  I’m not very well.  I’m a chronic
                 coracler at the moment.

Very Devon    You’re a chronic nuisance.  ’Ere we are, trying to keep
                 a low profile…….

Land Owner    Whilst digging up all of my lawn.

Very Devon     Whilst examining small portions of grass which Derek
                  Here will replace very carefully afterwards and now ’e
                  comes along demanding cake.

Coracle Man    I didn’t demand, she offered.  And it’s only to keep
                  my strength up so I can wield a pickaxe, look!

Derek Here     Not there!

Huge clang followed by a gush of water.

Coracle Man    Ooh look, I’ve found a Roman fountain.

Very Devon     What you ’ave found, you boat wearing idiot, is the
                  modern water main, which is why we abandoned
                  trench one six hours ago.

Coracle Man    Oh dear, what a lot of water. What a good job I’ve
                  brought my coracle.

Land Owner    What are you going to do about my water main?

Very Devon     Derek Here will pop a cork in it while I phone for a
                  plumber and until ’e arrives my colleague and I will
                  ’ave top level discussions in another location.

Coracle Man    Oh good, I’ll have a pint of lager and a packet of
                  cheese and onion crisps.

Theme tune.

           &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

JaneLaverick.com -  Monday morning cake even when it’s not your
birthday. (If it is, happy birthday – what next?)

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Knickerbocker Glory, boiled sweets.

I know it’s Friday, it’s five o’ clock it’s Crackerjack and you’re having Monday morning ice cream and boiled sweets.  Sorry about that.  I am just getting up to speed after the flu; it’s only six weeks to the Min and getting good information for the Midweek Min spot takes time. I’m also currently dressing 12th scale dolls, which takes two days a doll at least, so I do hope you can bear with me and cope with ice cream leftovers. 

At least with the weather we’re having in the UK they will still be solid, the minute I hung the washing out this morning it started snowing, there’s a good two inches of snow outside all over everything, on February 18th! Brr. Why doesn’t some enterprising airline hook up the horrible northern hemisphere snow clouds, fly south with them and let them go over countries that would appreciate a bit of precipitation?  You could have blue sky over Birmingham and a short sharp snow shower over Adelaide.  Now don’t laugh.  When Alexander Graham Bell invented the first phone in 1876 they all laughed, mainly because the invention was useless.  Why was it useless you ask?  Because he couldn’t call anyone until he’d invented the second phone.  Though they could have been laughing at his very silly beard.  What would he have thought of a camera phone? And if he had been called Alexander Graham Beethoven’s Ninth would we have had ringtones sooner?  Next time your apps trash your credit card blame the Bell, it’s all his fault. 

He’s entirely responsible for poor Uncle Reg’s niece, trying her best to run a phone service from a pig farm.  Who invented working from home?  Now there’s thing.  First you do some work, then you stop and do some housework, then for a change you do some work.  All day.  So why am I not thin and rich? (Answers on a postcard, please.)

                    ******************************

                                 The corporation.
Telephone dialling tone.  Two rings followed by the voice of Uncle Reg’s niece with exultant, slightly tinny background music:

Welcome to the Uncle Reg Corporation.  You may dial the extension of your choice at any time.  Dial one for recipe of the day; a daily recipe which is different every day.  Except not this week because my auntie’s on holiday but when she gets back it will be daily, every day.

Dial two for weather information in which I inform you about the local weather.  If it’s wet I will tell you how wet it is with detailed information about how deep the mud is in the yard.  If it’s not raining I’ll tell you what else it is.  This is an up to date service which is changed minute-  ly.

Dial three for farm holiday hotlines; if you leave your name and address a booking form will be sent to you return of post if I can find them.  Please speak slowly and spell any difficult words.  In fact spell all the words is probably safest.

Dial four for consumer information which includes details of everything available from the farm shop.  It’s mainly pig products.  Well it’s all pig products really because this is a pig farm.  So don’t ring for dairy products or milk because we get ours from the milkman and we haven’t any spare.  But we’ve got an awful lot of bacon and a barn full of lard that was turned down by a supermarket.  There’s nothing wrong with it.  It’s very nice.  If you’re a lard fan.  It’s got really colourful wrappers that cost ever so much to print.

Dial five for, no hang on, there’s another bit of four. There is more consumer information which informs you about what’s on the past-its-sell-by-date shelf in the village corner shop.  This week it’s bags of boiled sweets with hardly anything wrong with them at all.  They’re just a bit stuck together.  You only need to hammer the outside of the packet.  But do it on a tray or something because the sweets are stronger than the packet, if you get my meaning and mud doesn’t wash off them well because they’re so sticky.  But if you like a lot of sticky sweets in a lump they’re very cheap.  Very, very cheap.  10p for a really big packet.  If they aren’t all sold by the end of the week the price might go down again.  If it goes down to, ooh, say, 8p or even 5p, no it won’t, that’s too hopeful that is, I’ll have another packet or, maybe, two.  I’ll have to wait and see.  Oh I can’t wait.  Here’s hoping.  Fingers crossed.

Dial five for jumble sale information and parish events by request of the vicar.  The Brownies are having a bring and buy sale next week and there’s advance information about the Infants School historical pageant.  That’s not till next month but our Alice and Damien are in it and I’m helping with the costumes.  Alice is going as Lady Godiva in a leotard and a long wig made out of straw.  Damien is definitely going to be Little Lord Fauntleroy even though he wants to be Jack the Ripper.  Miss Peasmarch says she cannot take responsibility for him with a knife, even a cardboard one, and I know what she means.

Dial six was knitting patterns but it’s been discontinued due to technical difficulties.  And new! Dial seven for live folk music because we have discovered that Arthur the pig hand can sing.  He’s got a lovely voice when he’s singing to the pigs, with a surprising range. That means not like a kitchen range but like a cross between Kate Bush and Tom Jones. It’s a constant novelty.  So if we can get him to come in the kitchen and do it, you can hear it.

If the service you require is not listed you can dial nine at any time for the operator.  That’s me.  Don’t be worried if I don’t answer at once because I’m probably in the yard hanging out washing.  You get an awful lot of washing on a pig farm.

This is the Reg Smith Corporation.  Reg Smith is the voice of the twenty tens.  It’s the quite modern future calling.  Now, how do I switch this tape recorder off?

                    ***************************************

 

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