I thought I should just pop by in case you thought I’d vanished. I have not. I am here. I did do Miniatura which was fantastic, more of this and what I took later.
I just needed a rest.
It’s been four years since my father died. I’ve been surrounded by things and people which had become my responsibility with never a day off ever since. Every day has had some sort of crisis, official situation, difficult person, sudden illness or practical situation needing input, approval, or sorting out. When Miniatura loomed I knew I either had time to do everything I had to do and get ready for the show, or I had time to blog and do everything I had to do. I chose the former. I was quite sure my mother was going to be suddenly ill and require attention because she has done so every show for the past four years, and I warned the care home this might be the case. They coped well and I didn’t even ring her during the show because conversations with the insane are for days when your patience and compassion are both in working order, not for days when you are likely to fall asleep the minute you sit down. I did the show with no helper, I fitted in nearly three months of dolls on odd moments before the show and was as ready as I ever get and it was so great to have time doing the things I enjoy I decided to take time off afterwards.
I still rang my mother every day as I do. I still dealt with all the official stuff, as one has to. This week it was a lot of bits of paper about the meeting that the county council had concerning the Deprivation of Liberty order against my mother. I got it on Thursday and finally managed to sit down and read it all on Sunday morning.
It was upsetting. It is one thing to have your mother tell you she’s on a cruise ship in the war, it’s another to see it written down by an official. It wasn’t that I disagreed with anything they were saying. There were ten pages painting a very lifelike picture of my mother exactly as she is. I knew that she had called the fire brigade to the building by smashing the glass on the fire alarm with her stick when she got annoyed, I just didn’t like seeing that fact printed. No detail was spared. Her aggression, her preferences, the progress of the disease, the care in the care home, my care and input. Every word of it accurate, true and desperately upsetting.
For the next couple of days I have been depressed, so I’ve done the things that mend me. I’ve gardened, I’ve worked out, I’ve got the table covered in paper crafting stuff and bought a die cutting machine.
It’s hard, this end of a demented life. It’s so sad. Most of the things my father lived for and valued have sold for tenths of the value he put on them. I just got advice that the huge tapestry my mother worked which the care home said was too heavy to hang, sold for under two pounds. Today my mother sounded so tired. She sounds as if the fight has gone out of her.
The OH has been unwell and not admitting it. He is either irascible or complaining. He hobbles when he walks which he is ascribing to the skin on his feet being thin. I am ascribing this to gout, though, of course, I know nothing.
The S&H says he’s coming to take his cats. I am devastated. I didn’t want them when they arrived but five years later they think I’m their mother and I love them.
It feels as if everything is at a sad end, petering out and trailing off……………
On the other hand some dies have just arrived in the post that will make a cut out owl with spectacles and a moustache, so I shall finish my work out and do that.
Sometimes in life the only person you can look after is yourself, so I am and I am grateful that the circumstances are such that I can do so. I am grateful for Miniatura and my hobbies and the fact that I can work out, get fresh air and sleep soundly each night. I’m glad that the house has sold and generated enough money to look after my mother. By the end of the month the care home will have activated the bank order so that payment for my mother’s care will be automated and continue until the money runs out. This is a huge responsibility off my shoulders, now, even if something should happen to me, my mother will be cared for for the rest of her life, because once the money is used up she will qualify for free care as the home is a charitable trust.
So I did all the work early on as it arose or before, if I could foresee it, which now has bought me some time off, which is why you haven’t seen me for a while.
I’m back now, how have you been?
Yes doctor, I’m tired all the time.
So you said, I’ve got a rubber stamp saying that just here.
Unusual is it?