Welcome to Janelaverick.com where we think it’s a good idea to start the week with pudding. More specifically, Knickerbocker Glory, the tall ice cream confection I dished up to a radio station, who slung it right back, eventually, so now I’m spreading it round your way. Or, to put it another way, welcome to starting Monday with ice cream dripping off your chin.
Just in case you are a Monday morning regular, I should advise you to scroll down; I posted on Saturday night. The web manager’s recovery from his tooth extractions seemed to be going well and such was the relief, I felt funny all over.
Back at the Today Ranch, there is only one type of ice cream as it’s quite a long one with just a hint of lard. Uncle Reg’s niece, stuck on a pig farm deep in rural somewhere or other and trying her inadequate best to run a phone line service, finally manages to contact another human being. If you work in a call centre and you’re reading this in your tea break, please know that deep in the corners of its heart, where the fluff gathers and the old tea leaves settle, peoplekind feels for you, it so does, despite what it says on the phone. The joy of cold calling is a terrible thing to do for money but it could be worse; you could be Uncle Reg’s niece.
…………………………New Services…………………………
Phone rings.
Caller Hello?
Uncle Reg’s Niece Welcome to the Reg Smith phone line. Reg Smith is
the Two…Oh…One…Ohs calling.
Caller Do you know what time it is?
Uncle Reg’s Niece No, you need the speaking watch for that. Do you
want the number?
Caller No, I don’t want the number, I know what time it is.
Uncle Reg’s Niece Why are you asking me then?
Caller I mean, do you know what the time is?
Uncle Reg’s Niece No but the Speaking watch probably does. Do you
want the number?
Caller No I don’t. What I’m trying to say is: do you
realise what time it is?
Uncle Reg’s Niece No………but the Speaking Watch realises, specially
now I’ve gone digital.
Caller Oh for goodness’ sake. What I mean is, it’s late.
Why are you ringing me now?
Uncle Reg’s Niece This is a recorded message to inform you of some
new services.
Caller You’re not recorded.
Uncle Reg’s Niece No, but I will be when I’ve figured out how to work
the machine.
Caller So you’re not recorded?
Uncle Reg’s Niece Yes I am, sort of, or I will be when Uncle Reg gets
back again.
Caller Back again?
Uncle Reg’s Niece He’s out. He’s out most evenings, with the taxi.
That’s one of the things I’ve got to tell you about.
It’s the Reg Smith taxi service. We can take you
where you want.
Caller I want to go back to bed.
Uncle Reg’s Niece We can’t take you there, silly. It’s just upstairs.
You can’t drive a taxi upstairs. That is if your
house has stairs. My auntie has a bungalow.
That doesn’t have stairs. Not even one stair.
Well it has a front door step but you can’t
count that. Well you can. One.
Caller I don’t care where your auntie lives, I’m going
back to bed.
Uncle Reg’s Niece But I’m supposed to read you this whole page.
Caller I don’t want you to read me a whole page.
Uncle Reg’s Niece I’ll get into terrible trouble if I don’t.
Caller Will you?
Uncle Reg’s Niece Uncle Reg will call me ‘my girl’. There’s a lot
of ‘my girl’ing going on. He might wag his finger.
Caller That’s not very terrible, is it? What’s a wagging
finger to a girl like you?
Uncle Reg’s Niece He does it before he shouts.
Caller Does he?
Uncle Reg’s Niece Yes, very loudly.
Caller Oh well, go on. But make it quick. My feet are
getting cold.
Uncle Reg’s Niece Oh I am sorry. What am I thinking of? Haven’t
you got your slippers on?
Caller No, I just rushed downstairs.
Uncle Reg’s Niece Well that was silly. You should always put your
slippers on because you might tread on something.
My cousin trod on a nail once and it went right
through his foot. And he was only eight.
Caller Look, I’m very sorry about your cousin’s foot….
Uncle Reg’s Niece Oh that’s all right. It was years ago. He’s grown
up and married now. He’s got ten pigs and three
children. They win prizes. All the time.
Caller Yes, yes, I’m so pleased your cousin’s foot is
better and his children win prizes but I want to
go to bed.
Uncle Reg’s Niece It isn’t the children that win prizes, silly, it’s the
pigs. They win them at shows. You can’t show
children. They wouldn’t stay in the pen. At least
Alice might, but Damien wouldn’t, he’d be out
before you could say ‘knife’. On the tractors
probably. He likes tractors does Damien. I think
he’s going to grow up to be a baler operator.
That’s very skilled work, you know.
Caller Excuse me interrupting your bucolic idyll, but if
you don’t mind I want to go to bed.
Uncle Reg’s Niece There’s no need to swear and that. That’s not
very nice.
Caller Just get on with it. Read me this advert.
Uncle Reg’s Niece I don’t know if I want to, now.
Caller All right, suit yourself. Bye.
Uncle Reg’s Niece Don’t hang up! I’ll do it. And it’s not an advert
it’s advance information.
Caller Look, my feet are like blocks of ice and I’m
not going to stand in this hall much longer. Just
give me the gist of the information.
Uncle Reg’s Niece The what?
Caller The gist. Don’t read me the whole thing, just give
me the salient points.
Uncle Reg’s Niece The…….. Are you being rude? The what points?
Caller Just tell me what it’s about and hurry up.
Uncle Reg’s Niece All right, I will, don’t shout. Well, there’s
welcome to the Reg Smith phone line, Reg
Smith is the Twenty.. One… Ohs calling.
Caller I know, I know. Get on with it.
Uncle Reg’s Niece Ooh, keep your shirt on.
Caller I haven’t got a shirt on.
Uncle Reg’s Niece Are you in the nuddy, then?
Caller No I’m not. I’m wearing pyjamas, if it’s any
of your business.
Uncle Reg’s Niece Well that’s a relief. I don’t think it would be
proper of me to be talking to a customer if they
were in the nuddy.
Caller I am not in the nude but I am very cold. Now are
you going to give this information or shall I hang
up?
Uncle Reg’s Niece No please, don’t hang up! I’ll tell you. Right. Reg
Smith is the Two… Oh… Tens calling.
Caller Hurry up!
Uncle Reg’s Niece I’m reading as fast as I can. Tens calling. Then
there’s the taxis, blah blah, recipe hotline; that’s
good, that’s where I read you a recipe, or I will
when we get the duck back, it flew away.
Caller Hurry up!
Uncle Reg’s Niece Don’t rush me! There’s some quite long words
here, you know. Blah, blah weather information,
traffic news. That’s the very local traffic news. It
was ever so local yesterday. Uncle Reg set out
for the bypass to see what it was like but he broke
down at the end of the lane. But it worked out all
right because when Ernie came to give him a tow
he’d had to drive along the bypass to get there. So
he knew what the traffic was like and that was
handy, wasn’t it?
Caller I’m going to bed now. This minute.
Uncle Reg’s Niece All right, I’m doing it. Traffic, recipe, first aid,
hints on cleaning your pond, farm holiday hotline,
horoscopes, what’s new in the corner shop, up
and coming jumble sale dates and possibly knitting
patterns.
Caller Knitting patterns?
Uncle Reg’s Niece Ooh right, I’ve got half of one here. It goes: hang
on, let me wipe the lard off, right, it goes: cast on
twenty, knt two rws, slp sts, trn through, two little
dots, two little dots, two little dots, then there’s a
torn bit……
Caller That’s enough, thank you.
Uncle Reg’s Niece Well it isn’t really, because it isn’t finished.
Usually Auntie knits it, then we decide what it
is. But she’s only done a bit of this. It could
be a sleeve.
Caller I’m not interested in knitting, thank you. If
that’s all, I’ll go to bed.
Uncle Reg’s Niece Or a long hat.
Caller Yes, quite. I’ll bid you goodnight.
Uncle Reg’s Niece Or half a legging. It isn’t a sock because
there’s no foot.
Caller Good night.
Uncle Reg’s Niece Thank you caller. Reg Smith is the Two.. Oh
One.. Ohs calling. It could be a piglet warmer.
Click brrrrrrrrr.
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JaneLaverick.com, starting Monday with a grin so you can bear it.