Knickerbocker Glory, the pork scratchings layer.

Welcome to where we think it’s a good idea to start the week with pudding.  More specifically, Knickerbocker Glory, the tall ice cream confection I dished up to a radio station, who slung it right back, eventually, so now I’m spreading it round your way.  Or, to put it another way, welcome to starting Monday with ice cream dripping off your chin.

Just in case you are a Monday morning regular, I should advise you to scroll down; I posted on Saturday night.  The web manager’s recovery from his tooth extractions seemed to be going well and such was the relief, I felt funny all over.

Back at the Today Ranch, there is only one type of ice cream as it’s quite a long one with just a hint of lard.  Uncle Reg’s niece, stuck on a pig farm deep in rural somewhere or other and trying her inadequate best to run a phone line service, finally manages to contact another human being.  If you work in a call centre and you’re reading this in your tea break, please know that deep in the corners of its heart, where the fluff gathers and the old tea leaves settle, peoplekind feels for you, it so does, despite what it says on the phone.  The joy of cold calling is a terrible thing to do for money but it could be worse; you could be Uncle Reg’s niece.

…………………………New Services…………………………

Phone rings.

Caller                           Hello?

Uncle Reg’s Niece     Welcome to the Reg Smith phone line.  Reg Smith is
                       the Two…Oh…One…Ohs calling.

Caller                           Do you know what time it is?

Uncle Reg’s Niece     No, you need the speaking watch for that. Do you 
                       want the number?

Caller                           No, I don’t want the number, I know what time it is.

Uncle Reg’s Niece     Why are you asking me then?

Caller                            I mean, do you know what the time is?

Uncle Reg’s Niece       No but the Speaking watch probably does.  Do you
                        want the number?

Caller                            No I don’t.  What I’m trying to say is: do you 
                        realise what time it is?

Uncle Reg’s Niece       No………but the Speaking Watch realises, specially
                        now I’ve gone digital.

Caller                           Oh for goodness’ sake.  What I mean is, it’s late. 
                       Why are you ringing me now?

Uncle Reg’s Niece     This is a recorded message to inform you of some 
                       new services.

Caller                           You’re not recorded.

Uncle Reg’s Niece      No, but I will be when I’ve figured out how to work 
                        the machine.

Caller                            So you’re not recorded?

Uncle Reg’s Niece      Yes I am, sort of, or I will be when Uncle Reg gets
                        back again.

Caller                             Back again?

Uncle Reg’s Niece       He’s out.  He’s out most evenings, with the taxi. 
                        That’s one of the things I’ve got to tell you about.
                        It’s the Reg Smith taxi service.  We can take you
                        where you want.

Caller                             I want to go back to bed.

Uncle Reg’s Niece      We can’t take you there, silly.  It’s just upstairs.
                        You can’t drive a taxi upstairs. That is if your
                        house has stairs. My auntie has a bungalow. 
                        That doesn’t have stairs.  Not even one stair.
                        Well it has a front door step but you can’t 
                        count that.  Well you can.  One.

Caller                             I don’t care where your auntie lives, I’m going
                        back to bed.

Uncle Reg’s Niece     But I’m supposed to read you this whole page.

Caller                              I don’t want you to read me a whole page.

Uncle Reg’s Niece     I’ll get into terrible trouble if I don’t.

Caller                              Will you?

Uncle Reg’s Niece          Uncle Reg will call me ‘my girl’.  There’s a lot
                          of ‘my girl’ing going on.  He might wag his finger.

Caller                               That’s not very terrible, is it?  What’s a wagging 
                          finger to a girl like you?

Uncle Reg’s Niece          He does it before he shouts.

Caller                                 Does he?

Uncle Reg’s Niece           Yes, very loudly.

Caller                                  Oh well, go on.  But make it quick.  My feet are
                           getting cold.

Uncle Reg’s Niece            Oh I am sorry.  What am I thinking of?  Haven’t
                           you got your slippers on?

Caller                                  No, I just rushed downstairs.

Uncle Reg’s Niece            Well that was silly.  You should always put your 
                           slippers on because you might tread on something.
                           My cousin trod on a nail once and it went right
                           through his foot.  And he was only eight.

Caller                                  Look, I’m very sorry about your cousin’s foot….

Uncle Reg’s Niece            Oh that’s all right.  It was years ago.  He’s grown
                           up and married now.  He’s got ten pigs and three
                           children. They win prizes.  All the time.

Caller                                 Yes, yes, I’m so pleased your cousin’s foot is
                           better and his children win prizes but I want to
                           go to bed.

Uncle Reg’s Niece           It isn’t the children that win prizes, silly, it’s the
                           pigs.  They win them at shows.  You can’t show
                           children.  They wouldn’t stay in the pen.  At least
                           Alice might, but Damien wouldn’t, he’d be out
                           before you could say ‘knife’.  On the tractors
                           probably.  He likes tractors does Damien.  I think
                           he’s going to grow up to be a baler operator.
                           That’s very skilled work, you know.

Caller                                 Excuse me interrupting your bucolic idyll, but if
                           you don’t mind I want to go to bed.

Uncle Reg’s Niece            There’s no need to swear and that.  That’s not
                           very nice.

Caller                                  Just get on with it.  Read me this advert.

Uncle Reg’s Niece             I don’t know if I want to, now.

Caller                                  All right, suit yourself.  Bye.

 Uncle Reg’s Niece            Don’t hang up!  I’ll do it.  And it’s not an advert
                            it’s advance information.

Caller                                  Look, my feet are like blocks of ice and I’m
                           not going to stand in this hall much longer. Just
                           give me the gist of the information.

Uncle Reg’s Niece           The what?

Caller                                 The gist.  Don’t read me the whole thing, just give
                           me the salient points.

Uncle Reg’s Niece            The……..  Are you being rude? The what points?

Caller                                  Just tell me what it’s about and hurry up.

Uncle Reg’s Niece            All right, I will, don’t shout.  Well, there’s 
                           welcome to the Reg Smith phone line, Reg
                           Smith is the Twenty.. One… Ohs calling.

Caller                                 I know, I know.  Get on with it.

Uncle Reg’s Niece            Ooh, keep your shirt on.

Caller                                  I haven’t got a shirt on.

Uncle Reg’s Niece            Are you in the nuddy, then?

Caller                                 No I’m not.  I’m wearing pyjamas, if it’s any
                           of your business.

Uncle Reg’s Niece           Well that’s a relief.  I don’t think it would be
                           proper of me to be talking to a customer if they
                           were in the nuddy.

Caller                                 I am not in the nude but I am very cold.  Now are
                           you going to give this information or shall I hang

Uncle Reg’s Niece           No please, don’t hang up!  I’ll tell you.  Right. Reg
                           Smith is the Two… Oh… Tens calling.

Caller                                  Hurry up!

Uncle Reg’s Niece            I’m reading as fast as I can.  Tens calling.  Then
                           there’s the taxis, blah blah, recipe hotline; that’s
                           good, that’s where I read you a recipe, or I will
                           when we get the duck back, it flew away.

Caller                                 Hurry up!

Uncle Reg’s Niece            Don’t rush me!  There’s some quite long words 
                           here, you know.  Blah, blah weather information,
                           traffic news.  That’s the very local traffic news. It
                           was ever so local yesterday.  Uncle Reg set out
                           for the bypass to see what it was like but he broke
                           down at the end of the lane.  But it worked out all
                           right because when Ernie came to give him a tow
                           he’d had to drive along the bypass to get there. So
                           he knew what the traffic was like and that was
                           handy, wasn’t it?

Caller                                  I’m going to bed now.  This minute.

Uncle Reg’s Niece            All right, I’m doing it.  Traffic, recipe, first aid,
                           hints on cleaning your pond, farm holiday hotline,
                           horoscopes, what’s new in the corner shop, up
                           and coming jumble sale dates and possibly knitting

Caller                                 Knitting patterns?

Uncle Reg’s Niece          Ooh right, I’ve got half of one here.  It goes: hang
                          on, let me wipe the lard off, right, it goes: cast on
                          twenty, knt two rws, slp sts, trn through, two little
                          dots, two little dots, two little dots, then there’s a 
                          torn bit……

Caller                                That’s enough, thank you.

Uncle Reg’s Niece          Well it isn’t really, because it isn’t finished. 
                          Usually Auntie knits it, then we decide what it
                          is.  But she’s only done a bit of this.  It could
                          be a sleeve.

Caller                                I’m not interested in knitting, thank you.  If
                          that’s all, I’ll go to bed.

Uncle Reg’s Niece          Or a long hat.

Caller                                Yes, quite.  I’ll bid you goodnight.

Uncle Reg’s Niece          Or half a legging.  It isn’t a sock because
                          there’s no foot.

Caller                                Good night.

Uncle Reg’s Niece          Thank you caller.  Reg Smith is the Two.. Oh
                          One.. Ohs calling.  It could be a piglet warmer.

Click brrrrrrrrr.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++,  starting Monday with a grin so you can bear it.

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