Knickerbocker Glory, with veg.

I know it’s not Monday, it’s not even Midweek Miniatura, I just thought you’d like an extra dollop of Knickerbocker glory.  It’s only a week to pay day at the end of January but these days don’t half have extra added dragginess, don’t they?  There will be a sale here in  the shop fairly soon, just as the January sales in the shops are finishing.  I’m not enthusiastic about them.  What’s the point of having a sale with stuff you’d like, with money off, when you haven’t any at all?  Who invented that?

Meanwhile, if it’s anything like round here, you’ll be having that strange diet people subsist on throughout the month until the money turns up.  Tins from the back of the cupboard followed by the chocolates at the bottom of the box that no one wanted.  Cut price breakfast cereal and sprouts.  The emergency tea bags that had tea dust in them when they were freshly at the back of the cupboard in 2003.

Ooh it’s a long month, January.

Here, have a laugh.


                                Showing things.

                               A radio interlude.

Throughout we hear low key Yamaha organ with bongo drums in mock Spanish classical/cheap nightclub type background music to a low budget Seventies Beta Max  porno film.

He       Look at this.

She      My goodness, turn it over.

He       It’s massive, isn’t it?

She      It’s so large and firm.

He (sighs) And green.


She      Should it be green?

He       Yes, I think so.

She      Oh I say, look at these.

He       Oh, they’re so round.

She      They feel as if they’re going to burst.

He       Do they?

She      Well, squish them a bit.

He       Oh, all right.  Oh, I say!

She      Gently, you’ll bruise them.

He       No, I’ll be very gentle.  I’ve had a lot of experience.

She      I’m so hot.

He       It is hot in here, isn’t it?  Do you want to take something off?

She      Maybe just this.  I don’t want to hold it.

He       Put it on the table then.

(The awful music swells and fades a little.)

She      That’s better.  Now I can work with both hands.

He        Feel these.  And this.  Look at this.

She       Give it to me now.

He        Here you are.

She       Oh gosh, what a whopper!

He        How about this?

She       No, I think that was better, or the first thing.

He        What about these three, on a plate?

She       A very nice matched set.

He        Are we agreed?

She       I think so, but you must say what you like best.

He        Well, that is so very large and firm.  And green.

She       Is it ripe?

He        I don’t think ripeness comes into it.

She       No, fair enough.  Do you want to put this on?

(The music reaches another cheap little crescendo and fades again.)

He       Okay.  First Prize for the cucumber, Runner Up the plate of
            aubergines and an Honourable Mention for the cauliflowers.

She      We’d better let the growers back in, they’ll be desperate to

He       Mr. Prentiss, I think you could stop playing now, we have
           finished deliberating and are in no danger of being heard
           outside of the marquee.

(Organ stops abruptly, the bongos continue)

Mr. Prentiss   Right oh.

(The  bongos stop.)

Mr. Prentiss   Will they be needing me again?

She       Not till the vet judges the children’s pets.  That’s after the
             young farmer’s bale stacking.  Not for half an hour.

Mr. Prentiss     Right oh.  I’ll go to the beer tent.  That’s where I’ll 
                        be if anyone needs me before the barn dancing.

She        What about you?  Fancy a beer?

He          No but I could do with a cigarette.

***************************************************************** – something till the weekend.


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