Parliamentary elected members.
Expenses claim form.
Please place a cross (X) against all applicable answers.
1) Would you like some money?
Yes……………………………………….
Yes please………………………………..
2) Who is it for?
Me………………………………………..
The wife………………………………….
Mistress 1…………………………………
Mistress 2…………………………………
Someone else’s mistress I quite fancy……
This cute little lap dancer…………………
Relative (please specify)………………….
3) What is it for?
Building a temple for ducks in my pond……
Building a dam for beavers in my lake……..
Building a funfair for sparrows in my garden..
New downstairs toilet for the wife who found out about the mistress.
New kitchen for the first mistress who found out about the second mistress……………………………………..
New carpet for the Roller…………………..
Gold leaf office wallpaper…………………..
4) Is this in settlement of a bill already rendered by:
Caterers……………………………………………….
Wine merchant………………………………………..
Travel agent……………………………………………
French polisher………………………………………..
Jeweller………………………………………………..
Florist………………………………………………….
Furrier………………………………………………….
Nanny………………………………………………….
Dog walker…………………………………………….
5) How much are you claiming?
Three shillings and sixpence……………………………
£5,000………………………………………………….
£27,650…………………………………………………
£50,000…………………………………………………
£100,000………………………………………………..
Whatever I can get away with………………………….
6) Do you have receipts to support your claim?
Yes……………………………………………………..
Yes…ish, sort of……………………………………….
Not yet, please wait while I make some……………….
7) Detail the frequency of your claims.
I’m gutted, I’d been here a year before I found out, I thought you just got paid a huge salary for turning up and that was for everything, then someone told me about the gravy train and now I want to know how you can claim retrospectively, because I want my share………
I have claimed once before………………………………………….
I claim every six months………………………………..……………
Every month…………………………………………………………
I try to find a little something every day because it all adds up and if I don’t claim regularly you’ll think I don’t want it and reassign the money to the poor or the unemployed or some bankrupt country or some other hangers on or no hopers…………………………………
8) Does this claim include wear and tear on work clothing?
Yes………………………………………………………..
No…………………………………………………………
Oh no, brilliant, thanks for suggesting that……………….
9) Does your claim include heating and lighting for your secondary residence near to parliament?
Three absolutely cracking suggestions there, thank you……
Yes and two holiday homes (for resting from the strain)…..
10) Does your claim include disbursements to administrative officers, cleaners, cooks, meal delivery services, or gardeners?
Oh I didn’t know you were allowed to claim for take aways. Oh, I say, can you claim for party invitations, too?
11) Only if they come under the heading of office stationery.
Fantastic! In that case PARTY! PARTY! PARTY !
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