Knickerbocker Glory, the lard layer.

So, what did you get for Valentines day yesterday?  No, me neither.  However, it is Monday morning and what you get with that is a laugh and a bit more radio play, absolutely free with love from me.  So that’s all right then.  Not exactly a box of chocolates but it could be worse.  It could be lard.


                                      Market Research.

Phone rings twice.

Researchee             Hello?

Uncle Reg’s niece      Hello.  Are you the householder?

Researchee             Oh yes! Are you from the council?  I’m so glad. 
                          They’re getting worse.

Uncle Reg’s niece       What are?

Researchee              The drains.  You could cut the air with a knife.  
                           You’re not the lady I spoke to earlier, are you?

Uncle Reg’s niece        I don’t think so.

Researchee               Are you in a different department?

Uncle Reg’s niece        No, I’m in the kitchen.

Researchee               The kitchen?

Uncle Reg’s niece        Yes, crammed between the Aga and ten sacks of 
                            pig vitamins.

Researchee               Oh, you’re not from the council?

Uncle Reg’s niece         No, sorry.  Is the smell very bad?

Researchee                It’s awful.  Why are you phoning me?

Uncle Reg’s niece         You should try living on a pig farm if it’s smells
                             you’re after, my…………..householder. Ah,
                             now, wait a minute, hang on, I’ve lost the bit of
                             paper.  Right, here it is.  I am ringing you, 
                             householder, with a wonderful opportunity.

Researchee                It’s not timeshare, is it?

Uncle Reg’s niece         What?

Researchee                Timeshare.  You know, timeshare holidays.

Uncle Reg’s niece         What’s that then?

Researchee                No, obviously it’s not.

Uncle Reg’s niece         So what is it then?

Researchee                Well, you pay so much.

Uncle Reg’s niece         How much?

Researchee                I don’t know.  It varies.  You pay this amount
                             and you get holidays for twenty years or
                             something.  Like, you get the third week in
                             August somewhere posh for the next
                             twenty years, or whatever.

Uncle Reg’s niece         So could I have the third week in August in
                             Buckingham Palace for the next twenty years

Researchee                I don’t think so.

Uncle Reg’s niece         Pity.  Be handy for the shopping.  And 
                             sightseeing and that.

Researchee                I don’t think they do timeshare.

Uncle Reg’s niece         They do tours.  My auntie went. She said it was

Researchee                It is but I’m sure they don’t do timeshare.

Uncle Reg’s niece         Pity. Anyway, I am ringing you, householder,
                             with an opportunity.

Researchee                It’s not double glazing, is it?

Uncle Reg’s niece         What is?

Researchee               That you’re selling.  You’re not selling double

Uncle Reg’s niece        I’m not selling anything. We could do with double
                            glazing ourselves.  When we get an east wind it 
                            goes through the edges of my bedroom window
                            something shocking.  The man up the road had it
                            done and now his house is lovely and warm. 
                            They could do with it in Buckingham Palace.

Researchee               Do you think so?

Uncle Reg’s niece        My auntie said it was draughty. Nice but 
                            draughty. It improves the look too. The man up 
                            the road had aluminium. It looks ever so modern.
                            Some double glazed picture windows on the front
                            of the Palace would look really nice.  Modern 
                            and up to date. They could have a nice 
                            aluminium conservatory on that balcony where
                            they all wave from.  Keep them warm while 
                            they’re waving.  Anyway, I am ringing you,
                            householder with an opportunity.

Researchee              Well, if you’re not selling anything, what is the

Uncle Reg’s niece       It’s an opportunity to win prizes in a free draw.

Researchee              OK.  Put my name down, thank you.

Uncle Reg’s niece      No, hang on.  First you have to answer some
                          questions and then you can win prizes in a free

Researchee             Oh.  Market research.

Uncle Reg’s niece      Is it?  I don’t know about that.  It’s just some
                          questions. Not many.  It’s only one bit of paper.
                          There was another but I’ve lost it.

Researchee             What are the prizes?

Uncle Reg’s niece      Well the first prize is a cash prize. The second
                          prize is a holiday and the third prize, and there’s
                          ten of them, is a lifetime’s free supply of lard.
                          With very colourful wrappers. For even if you
                          live to be a hundred.  If it hasn’t gone off.  So,
                          will you answer the questions, please?

Researchee             Oh, if I must.

Uncle Reg’s niece       Thank you.  That is nice of you. Here’s the first.
                           Would you say you were in one of these age
                           groups, a) 20-30 b) 30-40 c) 40-50 d) older?

Researchee             C.

Uncle Reg’s niece      Thank you, I’ve ticked it. Next, how much do you
                          like pigs? Would you say it was: a) Very much
                          indeed b) Quite a bit c) So so d) Not fussy or
                          e) Prefer another animal?

Researchee             In what way. like pigs?  Do you mean to eat?

Uncle Reg’s niece      No, more to live with really.  So would you like
                         to live with a pig very much indeed b) quite a bit
                         c) so so and so on.

Researchee            I wouldn’t like to live with a pig at all.

Uncle Reg’s niece     I’ll put you down as e) Prefer another animal, then.
                         Next question. Would an offer of free lard influence
                         your decision to have a farm holiday a) Very
                         strongly.  It would be the deciding factor that would
                         make you just go for it. b) Not very strongly but it
                         might help you decide if the lard was nice. c) You
                         would only be influenced a teeny bit or d) You
                         would not be swayed by lard at all.

Researchee            I think d).  I don’t like lard very much.

Uncle Reg’s niece     Don’t you?  Really?  How odd!  Right, next
                        question.  Which would be your choice of pig
                        related souvenirs in order of preference: a) A piggy
                        bank b)A plaster pig model c)A pig shaped rucksack
                        d)A paper mache pig ornament e)A bobble hat with 
                        a pig on it f) A pig shaped air freshener g) A hot
                        water bottle with a pig painted on it h) A pig doll
                        with hair you can comb and a choice of outfits, say
                        either dungarees or a ballet dress and a hat,
                        obviously i) Fluffy slippers in the shape of a pig j) A
                        straightforward old cuddly pig or k)A side of bacon?

Researchee           It’s difficult to say.

Uncle Reg’s niece    I know, it’s spoiled for choice, isn’t it?

Researchee           Not much.  I don’t think I have an opinion.

Uncle Reg’s niece    I’ll put you down as all equal winners then. Right
                        next question.  Is it: a) I don’t mind a bit of mud it
                        doesn’t bother me. b) Mud would not stop me
                        enjoying my holiday. c) Mud or no mud, it’s all
                        the same to me. d) I’d prefer not to have mud,
                        thank you, or e) I am very fussy and don’t like
                        mud about my person one little bit.

Researchee           Hmm, given the choice..

Uncle Reg’s niece    Which I am giving you for the chance to win a 
                        prize draw.

Researchee          Quite. Put me down for the middle one.

Uncle Reg’s niece    Mud or no mud, it’s all the same to you, is it?

Researchee           I suppose so.  Is there much more?

Uncle Reg’s niece    No, this is the last question on this bit of paper.
                       Here it is. If you had taken a farm holiday under
                       the influence of complimentary lard, would you be
                       expecting advice on knitting to be part of the
                       amenities on offer?

Researchee          Not really, no.

Uncle Reg’s niece   So you wouldn’t feel you’d missed out if there
                       were no knitting lessons?

Researchee          No.

Uncle Reg’s niece   I told them so.  I said they wouldn’t be expecting
                       knitting.  That’s just what I thought, that shows
                       you the value of questions, doesn’t it? Especially
                       when people give the right answers.  Thank you
                       householder, your number will be entered in our 
                       prize draw and I hope you get your drains fixed.
                       All winners will be notified by next Tuesday, so
                       I’ll ring you back then if you’ve won.  Good
                       luck, householder.

Researchee          Bye.

Uncle Reg’s niece   Hang on, I’ve just got to read you this. Forget
                      theme parks and holidays in nasty hot foreign
                      countries, Reg Smith farm holidays are the holidays
                      of the two oh one ohs, no, the twenty tens, the
                      tweens, this year, whatever you’re calling it. Reg
                      Smith is the twenty one ohs calling. Bye. And good
                      luck, between you and me I think you’re in with a 
                      chance of lard.

Click brrrr.


Read and go sizzling into the week like lard down a smelter chute.

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