I know it’s Friday, it’s five o’ clock it’s Crackerjack and you’re having Monday morning ice cream and boiled sweets. Sorry about that. I am just getting up to speed after the flu; it’s only six weeks to the Min and getting good information for the Midweek Min spot takes time. I’m also currently dressing 12th scale dolls, which takes two days a doll at least, so I do hope you can bear with me and cope with ice cream leftovers.
At least with the weather we’re having in the UK they will still be solid, the minute I hung the washing out this morning it started snowing, there’s a good two inches of snow outside all over everything, on February 18th! Brr. Why doesn’t some enterprising airline hook up the horrible northern hemisphere snow clouds, fly south with them and let them go over countries that would appreciate a bit of precipitation? You could have blue sky over Birmingham and a short sharp snow shower over Adelaide. Now don’t laugh. When Alexander Graham Bell invented the first phone in 1876 they all laughed, mainly because the invention was useless. Why was it useless you ask? Because he couldn’t call anyone until he’d invented the second phone. Though they could have been laughing at his very silly beard. What would he have thought of a camera phone? And if he had been called Alexander Graham Beethoven’s Ninth would we have had ringtones sooner? Next time your apps trash your credit card blame the Bell, it’s all his fault.
He’s entirely responsible for poor Uncle Reg’s niece, trying her best to run a phone service from a pig farm. Who invented working from home? Now there’s thing. First you do some work, then you stop and do some housework, then for a change you do some work. All day. So why am I not thin and rich? (Answers on a postcard, please.)
Telephone dialling tone. Two rings followed by the voice of Uncle Reg’s niece with exultant, slightly tinny background music:
Welcome to the Uncle Reg Corporation. You may dial the extension of your choice at any time. Dial one for recipe of the day; a daily recipe which is different every day. Except not this week because my auntie’s on holiday but when she gets back it will be daily, every day.
Dial two for weather information in which I inform you about the local weather. If it’s wet I will tell you how wet it is with detailed information about how deep the mud is in the yard. If it’s not raining I’ll tell you what else it is. This is an up to date service which is changed minute- ly.
Dial three for farm holiday hotlines; if you leave your name and address a booking form will be sent to you return of post if I can find them. Please speak slowly and spell any difficult words. In fact spell all the words is probably safest.
Dial four for consumer information which includes details of everything available from the farm shop. It’s mainly pig products. Well it’s all pig products really because this is a pig farm. So don’t ring for dairy products or milk because we get ours from the milkman and we haven’t any spare. But we’ve got an awful lot of bacon and a barn full of lard that was turned down by a supermarket. There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s very nice. If you’re a lard fan. It’s got really colourful wrappers that cost ever so much to print.
Dial five for, no hang on, there’s another bit of four. There is more consumer information which informs you about what’s on the past-its-sell-by-date shelf in the village corner shop. This week it’s bags of boiled sweets with hardly anything wrong with them at all. They’re just a bit stuck together. You only need to hammer the outside of the packet. But do it on a tray or something because the sweets are stronger than the packet, if you get my meaning and mud doesn’t wash off them well because they’re so sticky. But if you like a lot of sticky sweets in a lump they’re very cheap. Very, very cheap. 10p for a really big packet. If they aren’t all sold by the end of the week the price might go down again. If it goes down to, ooh, say, 8p or even 5p, no it won’t, that’s too hopeful that is, I’ll have another packet or, maybe, two. I’ll have to wait and see. Oh I can’t wait. Here’s hoping. Fingers crossed.
Dial five for jumble sale information and parish events by request of the vicar. The Brownies are having a bring and buy sale next week and there’s advance information about the Infants School historical pageant. That’s not till next month but our Alice and Damien are in it and I’m helping with the costumes. Alice is going as Lady Godiva in a leotard and a long wig made out of straw. Damien is definitely going to be Little Lord Fauntleroy even though he wants to be Jack the Ripper. Miss Peasmarch says she cannot take responsibility for him with a knife, even a cardboard one, and I know what she means.
Dial six was knitting patterns but it’s been discontinued due to technical difficulties. And new! Dial seven for live folk music because we have discovered that Arthur the pig hand can sing. He’s got a lovely voice when he’s singing to the pigs, with a surprising range. That means not like a kitchen range but like a cross between Kate Bush and Tom Jones. It’s a constant novelty. So if we can get him to come in the kitchen and do it, you can hear it.
If the service you require is not listed you can dial nine at any time for the operator. That’s me. Don’t be worried if I don’t answer at once because I’m probably in the yard hanging out washing. You get an awful lot of washing on a pig farm.
This is the Reg Smith Corporation. Reg Smith is the voice of the twenty tens. It’s the quite modern future calling. Now, how do I switch this tape recorder off?