Unto man the creator gifted creativity and suggested he create; unto his five-year old, the devil gave three pots of micro-fine glitter in different colours and suggested she mix them. By sprinkling.

Glitter is actually another element in the Periodic table but no one has mentioned it, for fear of reprisals.

The maths of glitter is terrifying.

Glitter is so cost effective as a decoration, it confounds accountants because it has a unique negative/positive value, with age bias, in that the younger the child you give it to, the further it will go.

One pot of glitter 12, yes twelve millimetres tall, just 12 that was all it was, not even an inch, can coat three carpets, the hall stairs and landing and right in the inside of the cracks in a wooden floor, far, far beyond the reach of any vacuum.

Glitter has a half-life of six million trillion aeons, squared.

Glitter is repulsed by thin, sensible smears of glue but attracted to dry hair.

It duththn’t thaste nithe.

Come on then, James Dyson, come on you and your pet hair removal machines, stitch this if you think you’re hard enough.

Glitter attaches more readily to the side of the very sticky tape than it does to the face. (Of the tape, but not of the people.)

If you had these friends, right, you’d known since student days, right, like in that T.V.series but not as pretty, also with less hair and bigger thighs, and they had done tons better than you had and had a much bigger house and better cars and shinier teeth and then had two very perfect children, going on social media to say ner ner nee nee ner is so last century.  Just give the children mega packs of art glitter (you can get it in fifty ml. tubes in packs of twelve.)

The thing that Christopher Robin hates most, is sand between the toes.  That’s because he never had glitter in his underpants.

If a person gives their grandchild a pot of glitter at half past ten in the morning, how long will it take to coat the entire house?*

Glitter is cheaper than drugs but has effects that are probably similar on the contact lenses.

At times of social unrest, MPs are suggesting giving the Police glitter guns but the Refuse Collectors unions are on the promise of a walk-out if the bill is passed.

Psychiatrists have recommended changing the name from glitter to something less attractive, certainly nothing that will prompt cries of delight.  Muck, radioactive sewerage and gob, have been mooted.

Shooting of the new Bates Motel Terror movie has been held up.  Carpenters and set decorators have completed the dungeon, shower room, and torture chamber but want extra for building the craft room with glitter pit and static machine.


*The time it takes to say: ‘Or would you prefer stickers?’

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