Knickerbocker Glory – lovely and thick.

Welcome – and you are, ever so very, to the final dollops of Knickerbocker Glory, the ice cream dessert I dished up to the radio, who dished it back again, melted and dusty.  As I sit here with the jelly sprinkles running down the side of my nose and cherries decorating what I laughingly call my hairstyle, I reflect – mostly in shop windows, which are wide enough – how their loss is your gain.  How likely is it that the underpaid unsolicited-scripts lackey ever got as far as me piece of resistance?  Highly unlikely is what.  Skyscraper unlikely.  Stratospherically not very possible at all much.  Apart from me, you are almost certainly the only person whose eyes have ever set foot on my piece of resistance.

It’s hard to say who I love the most, my rubbish spoof detective or his thicker-than-clotted-cream sidekick.  I treasure their stupidity.  I hope you will too.


                             The Village of the Dim.
                              The growing villagers.

Rural music, birdsong.

Ethereal voice        And as the harsh light of eleven o’ clock in the morning
                    changes to the only a bit harsher light of ten past
                    eleven, winds variable, mainly easterly, rain later,
                    welcome to the

FX  Da Da Da!

Ethereal voice        Village of the Dim, where the great detective,
                    Millennium Domes and his sidekick, Watsup, are about
                    to unravel a mystery.

Domes                     So, explain again, Watsup, what exactly are we doing

Watsup                   Well Domes, we have come to the

FX Da Da Da!

Watsup                    Village of the Dim, not just because my Auntie lives
                     here but because I received a strange letter from my
                     cousin who lives with her, because she is her daughter
                     you know.  I don’t mean my Auntie is my cousin’s
                     daughter, I mean my cousin’s mother is my Aunt.

Domes                       That is the usual arrangement, Watsup.  Refresh me 
                      on the letter, will you?

Watsup                      Is it by Jove, Domes?  How knowledgeable you are
                      on these matters.

Domes                        The letter, Watsup, the letter.

Watsup                      Well, it’s rectangular, it came in an envelope with a
                      stamp on it, it was addressed to me……

Domes                        The contents, Watsup, the contents.

Watsup                       Entirely words, Domes.

Domes                        As I expected, Watsup, and what information was 
                      conveyed by the words?

Watsup             In a nutshell, Domes, the people of the village appear
                     to be growing. Growing mysteriously and very rapidly.

Domes                      And yet, Watsup, none of those we see about us seem
                     abnormally large.  Perhaps we could ask this honest 
                     road sweeper here and see what he has to say.

Watsup                    It’ll be words, Domes, I’ll lay a wager on it.

Domes                     Good day, honest road sweeper, I wonder if I might 
                    trouble you?

Road sweeper         Oh ding fang riddle I lemon drop.  Mind your feet.

Watsup                   I wonder if I may intercede, Domes?

Domes                     By all means, Watsup, you are native to these parts.

Watsup                  Right, sweeper fellow, this gentleman here is
                   Millennium Domes, the great detective and he wants to
                   ask you some questions.

Road sweeper       Oo aar.

Domes                    Have you noticed yourself growing, at all?

Road sweeper        A tall what?

Watsup                   What Mr. Domes means, is have you noticed yourself
                    growing a bit?

Road sweeper         A bit of what?

Domes                     I fear we are wasting our time, Watsup. Can you direct
                    us to the Post Office, my good fellow?

Road sweeper        No.

Watsup                   Isn’t that it, over there, Domes? The shop with the sign
                    that says:

FX  Da Da Da!

Watsup                   Village of the Dim Post Office.

Domes                     Well done, Watsup.  First class.

Watsup                    Stamp, Domes?

Domes                     No, detecting, Watsup.  Here we are.

Tinkly shop bell.

Domes                    Ah, good day, postmistress.  I wonder if you could help

Postmistress        Only until twelve, then it’s half day closing and I shall
                    put the sign up.

Domes                     Some things are the same the world over, Watsup.
                    Could you tell me, good woman, have you noticed
                    yourself growing?

Postmistress         I don’t know what business it is of yours.

Watsup                   Perhaps I should introduce my friend.  This is
                    Millennium Domes, the great detective.

Postmistress         In that case I can tell you I am growing in a number of

Domes                    Would you care to enlarge, Madam?

Postmistress         No thank you, I’m big enough already.

Domes                     I meant enlarge upon which bits of you are growing.

Postmistress         Oh I see.  Well, mainly my arms.  This jumper, see,
                    fitted me perfectly last week but now, look, it doesn’t
                    even cover my wrists.

Watsup                  Good gracious, Domes, the postmistresses arms seem
                   to have grown three inches in a week!

Domes                    Thank you, Madam, we will investigate further.

Postmistress        Not now, I’ve got a tempting plate of soup on a stick
                   getting colder by the minute.  This window is closed.

Domes                   Let us return to the street, Watsup.

Tinkly shop bell.

Watsup                  Perhaps we could ask that very tall little boy in the
                   shorts and outgrown jacket, who is carrying a briefcase
                   and rolled up umbrella.  Hello little boy.  My goodness,
                   what a huge moustache!

Bank Manager     For your information, I am not a little boy.  I am the
                   Manager of the

FX  Da Da Da!

Bank Manager      Village of the Dim Bank and Mutual Society.

Watsup                     What is the world coming to, Domes, when the 
                     Manager of the

FX  Da Da Da!

Watsup                     Village of the Dim Bank and Mutual Society cannot
                     afford a suit that fits?

Bank Manager        I can afford a suit that fits.  It fitted perfectly last
                     week but now look at it.  I am obviously growing
                     so fast that there is no point in buying another suit
                     until I have stopped growing.  This free advice will
                     cost you fifteen pounds.  Would you like to open a
                     variable rate savings account?  You get a free plastic 
                     biro and a huge sheaf of meaningless drivel on 
                     numerous pieces of shiny paper.  I am not the only
                     one growing.  Look at old Mrs Looney over there. 
                     She has grown so tall her skirt looks like a mini 
                     skirt on her.  You can see her legs sticking out like
                     two strings of chewing gum with varicose veins.  It’s
                     horrible, I tell you, horrible.  She could make the
                     market very nervous, walking round on legs like that.

Watsup (Aside)  This poor fellow is worse than the rest of them
                     Domes.  He is clearly totally potty.

Domes                       Oh, do you think so, Watsup?  He sounds like a
                      perfectly normal bank manager to me.  However,
                      I think I may have solved the mystery.

Watsup                       By Jove, Domes, you are an absolute marvel.  What
                      can the solution be?

Domes                        The solution is very possibly well dissolved soap
                      powder, Watsup.  Tell me, what did you notice that
                      Mrs. Looney, the Bank Manager and the postmistress
                      all had in common?

Watsup                       They had all grown out of their clothes, Domes.

Domes                          And what about the colour of the clothes, Watsup?

Watsup                       You mean the fact that they were all a sort of blotchy
                       pink, Domes?

Domes                          Exactly, Watsup and if I’m not mistaken the solution
                       will be found here in the

FX  Da Da Da!

Domes                         Village of the Dim Chinese Laundry and Washerama.

Tinkly shop bell

Domes                          Good morning Madam, and you are?

Washer woman           Mrs. On Won Hanger, washer woman.  You dirty
                       them, I crean them.

Domes                           And have you been particularly busy lately, Mrs.

Washer woman            Very busy lart week because of the mud festivar.

Domes                            Do you know about the mud festival, Watsup?

Watsup                          Yes, of course, Domes.  I used to come and stay
                        with my Auntie specially for the festival.  There’s
                        the mud pie competition, the mud sandcastle
                        competition and at the climax of the festivities the
                        entire population of the

FX  Da Da Da!

Watsup                          Village of the Dim throw themselves in the village

Domes                             And then they bring their clothes to the Chinese
                         Laundry.  And they were particularly muddy this
                         year, Mrs. Hanger, weren’t they?  And someone 
                         had just bought a new article of red clothing, had
                         they not?

Washer woman               Mrs. Rooney had bought two pairs of new winter
                          drawers and hadn’t bothered to terr me.

Domes                               Exactly.  So Mrs. Hanger put the clothes of the

FX  Da Da Da!

Domes                              Village of the Dim on a hot wash to get rid of the 
                          mud stains and accidentally included two pairs
                          of brand new, red, non-colourfast bloomers.

Watsup                             Thus shrinking all the clothes and turning them 
                          pink.  Domes you are a genius!

Domes                               Well perhaps you would like to give the good 
                          news to your Auntie, Watsup.  Case closed.

Washer woman                Reeve the case of closed on the counter.  I wirr
                          wash them tomollow.

Washing machine turns to birdsong as we leave the

Da Da Da!

Village of the Dim -  but we will be back, there’s another five of these if I can stand to type them and you can bear to read them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ – ruvery lubbish and online shopping, happy happy, happy.

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