Middle-aged vampires.

I was watering the tomatoes at dusk when I heard above me the sound you would get if you sat suddenly on a teddy bear.  I looked up to see two bats wheeling away from each other, rather sharply.  Of course, the wonderful thing about bats is that they have the most incredible radar that can detect tiny moths anywhere and, naturally, other bats and it works absolutely perfectly, no matter how old and deaf they get.  And I got to thinking: vampires – they can’t all be in their twenties, can they?


Have you got the bags?


Have you got the bags?

Oh no, I thought you had them.

I gave them to you.

No you didn’t.

Yes, you remember, you were filling the dishwasher and I handed them to you and I said ‘Here’s the bags for tonight, put them in the trolley.’


Oh you haven’t gone and put them in the dishwasher again?

Sorry, I didn’t know they were clean ones. It’s daft handing me clean ones when I’m stacking the dishwasher. Oh well, they’ll just get washed twice.

They were the PET compound ones, you can’t do them in the dishwasher, it distorts the valves and blocks the filters, it’s too hot.

I thought you said you could do them in the dishwasher, they came out sparkling, you said, even with the supermarket tablets.

No, that was the foil bags.  You can do foil vacuum blood bags in the dishwasher, but you have to do the plastic ones by hand, how many times do I have to tell you?  It’s quite simple – silver foil bags, silver dishwasher; wrinkly white plastic bags, hands.

Oh for goodness’ sake, what a fuss.  Why do we have to have recycled ones anyway?  It was so much simpler when we just bought new ones.  It’s not as if they’re expensive.

Every little helps.  It’s no use being wasteful, there’s no knowing what the government will do to pensions in the current economic climate.

Oh don’t get started on that again.

Well somebody has to worry, you just fly through life………Right I’ve found some other bags at the back of the drawer but there’s not many.  Remind me to put them on the shopping list.  No, I’ll do it now.  Blood bags.  There. Just move out of the way and let me have a look in the fridge to see how many we’ve got in.

You already looked.

I know but I can’t remember what I said.  We’re running low on phosphate.  You haven’t put the lid on your jar of liver nibbles again, I spend my life clearing up after you. Platelet pate in the salad drawer, how many times!  Right only three full bags and a half sucked one without a cap on, we’d better get going.

I am going, I’m in the hall.  Waiting.  Where are you?

Have you seen my specs?

They’ll be in your handbag.

They’re not.  Now where did I last have them?

You were reading The Surgeon, you were reading bits out to me when I was trying to watch the news.

I’ll look in the lounge.  They’re not in here….. I wonder…….Oh I know.  I think I was wearing them when I phoned my mother back.

Oh that old bat. She was flittering on all the way though my detective programme. Why does she always ring on Tuesday evening? It’s only one hour a week, it’s not much to ask.

Well if you could work out how to use the recording thing…..ah, here they are.  Right, are you ready, if we don’t get off soon it’ll be morning.  OK I’m good to go.  Now where are you off to?

I’m just popping to the toilet.

Dr Mark Porter said in the Times that you’ll never retrain your bladder  if you go a dozen times before you go out.

What does he know?  He’s not old enough to have a prostate. I’ll just be a tick.

What a palaver.  We’re only popping out for a quick suck and a top up, it’s not like we were entertaining, or the transfusion service or something.  I could do it quicker on my own.  Actually, while you’re doing that I’ll just fly upstairs and put some more Ibuprofen gel on my wing.  Ooh, that is so stiff.

There we are.  Didn’t need to go after all.  Now where has she gone?                  Where are you?

Here.  Can you stand behind me and put some of this gel on the back of my neck? I can’t reach.

Are we ever going to get out tonight?  There, how’s that?

Fine thanks.  Well, it will be soon I hope, I could do with a stronger one.  Just leave it on the hall table.  Right, finally.  Where are we going?  That new housing estate off the motorway?

If you want.

Where are you off to now?

To get the sat nav.  Can you remember how to programme it?

No, you find the instructions while I rummage in my bag for my specs……..


Did you see where I put my handbag? I had it a moment ago……….


JaneLaverick.com – worth reading again with your glasses on.

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