Middle aged vampires; fangs for the memory.

I have a feeling they are going to keep coming back, middle age is like that whether you’re a vampire or not; it’s just one thing after another.


Well that was a bit tricky; are you all right?


What a thing to happen!

I couldn’t helf it.

Nobody’s saying it was your fault. I didn’t say it was your fault.

Yeff but you’re finking it.

Stop talking, you’ll make it worse.

It hurtf like anyfing. If it bleeding?  It doefn’t tafte nife.

Well if it doesn’t taste nice it isn’t bleeding is it?  Just sit down and I’ll ring the dentist.

It hurtf when I poke it.

Then don’t poke it.  It’s ringing.  Oh for goodness’ sake!


‘You are in a queue, your call is important to us, if the surgery is closed….’ they only do it to annoy you.

Juft ftay cool..

Easy for you to say, annoying is what they do best, and then they dare to publish statistics about the incidence of incidents at surgeries.  I’m not surprised the patients get violent, if they stopped playing you Vivaldi on a Stylophone Ringtone there would be a lot less violence generally.  Now I am number two in a queue.  Well at least it means the surgery is open.  How are you feeling now?

Been better.

Oh you poor old thing.

Leff of the old, if you don’t mind.  Don’t make me talk, it hurtff.

Well don’t, ah!  Ah, hello.  Yes. I need an emergency appointment for my husband please.  Yes it is an emergency.  That’s between him and the dentist.  Why do you have to assess it?  Really?  Well we never used to have to do this.                                  Well I don’t think it’s an improvement.

Whatff the problem?

It’s a new system, we have to tell the receptionist what’s wrong and she assesses us.

Affeffeff uff?

Assesses you then.

Affeffeff me?

Do stop repeating me.  No not you, him.  Yes he can talk and it is that bad.  He’s broken a fang.  No, right off.  Yes.  Half an hour ago.   Well we had to fly home before we could report it.  Incident report!  Wouldn’t it just be quicker to give us an appointment?  Sorry, when I say us I mean him.  Yes, I know an appointment is for one person only.  It is only him.  Yes.

What if fee faying?

Asking questions, no not you, him. Yes I know you are too. I’ll ask. We have to complete the questionnaire, can you answer some questions? 

I’ve fractured a fang!  It’f fnapped off!  It hurtff!  Tell her it hurtff!

I’ll tell her, sit down! 

It hurtff.  Lotff.

Yes, he is.  Eighth June, eighteen forty three.  Yes.  Yes.  Fifteen years.  No.  Yes.  No.  We’re not claiming any pensions, we don’t even have a bus pass.  Yes.  I don’t know.  I’ll ask.  When did you last see the dentist?  Hang on he’s looking on the calendar, it was only about three months I think.  Yes, that’s right, no, it’s ok she’s found you on the system.  Yes well, we were in a perfectly ordinary bedroom and he tried to bite this woman and it turns out she was wearing some invisible strap thing.  Well I don’t know, underwired  microfibre or something.  You know how it is, the pressure to look perfect all day every day even when you’re asleep.  It is, it’s ridiculous.  Oh it is, it’s these celebrity thin women with perfect cleavage and stick-thin thighs right after having babies.  I know.  I know.  Yes.  Anyway, he bit into this invisible strap thing, she turned over in her sleep and that was it.  You could hear the crack as the fang snapped.  She wasn’t even old and bony.  Oh quite.  Oh too right, I don’t think there’s been any virgins since before the war.  Oh no, virgin in a cotton nightdress, not going to happen.  No.  They won’t do the ironing.  It’s all easy care and invisible straps.  No it’s awful.         Did she?  Really?   Well, fancy that.  Really?            Oh I know, we’ve got a niece the same.  Oh don’t they?  Don’t they just.  Couldn’t agree more.  Could you?  Brilliant thank you.  Great.  Yes we’ll bring it.  It’s still stuck to this strap, he had to cut it off with his penknife.  That’s kind of you to say so but it wouldn’t have happened to him if he’d put his glasses on.             Yes.  Well he stopped after he lost the second pair of glasses tangled up in somebody’s curlers, all these straight-haired normals, I don’t know….                      Yes, yes.         Oh can you?  Fantastic!    Thanks, great, thank you so much, we really do appreciate it.  Bye.


Put your coat back on, it was the fat receptionist with the frizzy hair, she’s fitted us in at the end of the surgery.  We might have to wait half an hour or so but you will get seen tonight and she might even fit us in in the dentist’s iron break.

I hope he can do fomefing clever.  I do hope it ifn’t going to mean a denture.  I can’t fee myfelf wiff a denture. Not one fang in a glaff by the bed.

That was years ago, they don’t do that now.

What do they do?  Whatever it if I hope there’s lotff of anafetic.  If there time to get a quick fnack?  I’m ftarving. I waffn’t hungry at all but I’m ftarving now.

That’ll be the shock.  I’ll pop a bag of O neg in my pocket for after.  Come on, let’s get you sorted out, then have a good day’s sleep, you’ll be good as new.

I wiff.


JaneLaverick.com ageing good graciously.

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