Sensitiv areas near the top shops.
(Do not read this if you are a spy or a terorrist. I am not unpatriotic or in the pay of another country – I wish- or in the pay of anyone, in fact I am owed a fiver for doing an hour on my own in the shop on Sunday when nobody but me could get in becase of the snow.)
This is a leaked list of sensitiv areas near the top shops and what they are used for. This is the sort of stugh that I will continue if I do not get my tuition fees payed. I am up to hear with Mr Ahmed saying ‘OK Elvis, you set up the bread shelvs and restock the scratch cards and I’ll tell you sumthing else about the histry of Art.’ Last week I swept all round by the bins, it took all morning and all I got was a postcard from his Auntie in Karachi with some paintings of some famouse buildings with a lot of carvings on the front of gods dancing. I do not care how famouse they are, they are not on my currriculum. I have looked thruogh all the modules and I do not have to do Arkiteckture at all. It is not on any of the lists. Especailly not foreign Arkiteckture. Except if it is a French Impressionist doing a biulding. If it is in a picture by a French Impressionist especailly if it is like a thing in a fog or what Mum sees without her lenses in, which is: ‘exaktly nothing Elvis, if I call you by a gi’rls name do not be surprised’ in which case it would be Typical. Stugh that is Typical of an artist is important becase it shows it is them. EG Hieronymus Bosch and stugh like out of your worst nigthmare or Van Gogh and tons of yellow lines wehther it be a chair or a cornfield or a knife and an ear and a bandage, or even a bunch of flowers, whatever, it would still have tons of yellow lines. So like if someone said ‘ I have found a Van Gough nobody knos about’ and showed you a picture of like red sqaures you would go ‘No mate it i’snt becase theyr’e no yellow lines.’
Hear is the list.
1 The Bins. The bins are round the back of the shops. They are used for rubbish that c’ant be recycled by the shop in questoin and are emtied on Fridays by the lorrie. They are sensitiv becase kids smoke behind them. You can tell by the fag ends. And by the kids. Smoking.
2 The bottle bank. The bottle banks are in the corner of the car park. Th’eyr is a brown glass bottle bank and th’eyre is a green glass bottle bank and th’eyre is a clear glass bottle bank. LEAK! LEAK! LEAK! They all get tipped into the same lorrie. I have watched!!!!! It do’esnt matter if you are an old ladie putting your beer bottles carefully in the right bank and matching the coluor (and some old ladies take ages. They get them out of a shopping bag and match them to the coluor of the bin and even walk round into the light to look at them and everything before they chuck them in.) YOU DO NOT NEED TO DO IT, THEY ALL GO IN THE SAME LORRIE!!!!!!!!! They get smashed to mixed smithereens. IN THE SAME LORRIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3 The grass between the car park and the back of the church hall that is marked ‘No ball games’. Is where we play football. It is also used for smoking, you can tell by the fag ends and the kids. Smoking.
4 The copse. Is used for smoking. You can tell by the fag ends and the kids. Smoking.
5 The ramp for weelchair acccess from the flats. Is used for skatebording and smoking thuogh only for doing both at the same time by advansed skateborders and that kid with the cuogh. It was also used about twice by kids nicking sweets from the shop but they stopped when they found how fit you have to be runing up a sloping hill with handfuls of nicked sweets when skateborders and a lady on a mobilitie scooter and a massiv mother with a twin pushchair were coming the other way. The majistrate said they had been punished enuogh and I am inclined to agree. How-evver they were inclined to be run over. Ha ha. Three times. Nobody else has tried it since.
6 What Mrs Brown was waering for sunbaything in the summer. I told you I was going to leak this. What happened was she came out waering a bikini and I was looking out of my bedroom window by accident because I was standing on the bed ajusting the window catch to let more air in becase it was hot, right? Anyway after about qauter of an hour lying on her front she reached up behind her and undid the fastening of the bra. It is a hook and you can do it with one hand if you are clever and have had a proper bra to practise on, not your Mu’ms one when it is wet and driping on the clothes line. Anyway she was lying theyre, Mrs Brown, with a completely nude back when a seagull flew passed and dropped a bit of bread on her and she screamed and jumped up and her top fell of. Her breasts (which is the very accurate biologikal name of tits) were not as round as you would think, looking at them in a jumper (the breasts in a jumper, not me. I cannot remember what I was waering when she came to the fense in a jumper and said ‘Hear is the resipy for your mother Elvis’) and unfortunately she ran in the house screaming very quickly with her back to the fense. Her breasts were pale and dangly until she ran with her back to the fense into the house. I put really big lumps of bread out for the birds for weeks after that but it di’dnt happen again and Mum said ‘Why are we always runing out of bread Elvis? Yet more expence I do’nt kno where the money goes.’ So I stopped.
If somebody is a student of art you shoul’dnt have to wait for a seagull to get experiense of breasts. I need to see breasts! I need experiense of the artistic knoledge of different breasts to see if they are correctly depicted in art or not. I need to lift breasts up and down for art. I need to experiense large breasts!
Mr Ahmed said ‘Just serve Jason Clegg when he comes in. You can see his large breasts through his string vest. In the summer when he takes his donkey jaket of, everyone can see them.’
That is not what I meant and he knos it. If I do not get proper artistic acccess to breasts on a woman soon I am going to start leaking again. My demands are: tuition fees. a dictoinary (I had to look up the spelling of tuition on a picture of a student demonstrayting with a placard on a newspaper on the paper shelves, this is not good enugh) other students, a drinks machine outside my bedroom and breasts. I want a life model. A life model is a model with her clothe’s of, all of them. I want a life model or I will tell what happened to all the free gardening gloves of issue 300 of the gardening magazine. I was the one who had to tell the customers they had droped of and I kno they di’dnt drop of becase I kno where they droped of to. I kno where they went and I will tell. Tomorrow.
JaneLaverick.com – sieving through the leaks, peeking through the vests.