The start of a new year attracts optimism of various kinds, mainly from those with something to purvey who really hope that latching on to your resolution to improve yourself will afford them the prosperous new year they were wishing for.
Among those standing at your gate, cap in hand, the most importunate are those who earnestly crave your idleness. They’re banking, quite literally, that your gush of New Year, New You, enthusiasm will have worn off by the end of the month, or possibly, wane in February, tail off in March and get completely washed away by the April showers.
Top of the list are those who make you sign up for a year in advance. Gyms, makeover clubs, slimming organisations and beauty salons are ecstatically happy when you roll up fat, spotty and hung over on January 2nd. The reason they write your name in triplicate on all the forms and give you ‘joining’ badges’ is to save them the task of learning names they won’t need to know in eight weeks time.
Marginally more bereft in the customer care department, though not much, are the vast raft of publishers’ part works that clog up your letter box and slide in great drifts off the newsagent’s shelves at the start of the year. Did you know that those ‘month by month’ magazines are published in dwindling numbers? The first three months are published in the thousands, the next three in the hundreds, the third quarter in tens and for issue 12, 104 or 52, depending on the frequency, exactly four. Not four hundred, four. One for the writer, one for the publisher, one for the editor and one for the last collector. They actually plan them that way. So the free gift with issue one will be something cheap that can be mass produced and looks big stuck to the front of the magazine and the last issue will contain the thing that is really expensive to produce and impossible to be left alone on a newsagent’s shelves without being nicked.
However if the excitement of building something of lasting value (yeah right) week by week is too much to do without, or the prospect of brain stretching by learning month by month too enticing to pass up, fear not; JaneLaverick.com is here to give you the part work experience of a lifetime that will build sentence by sentence into a collection of words you can cherish and savour for the rest of the next two and a half minutes.
Brain Training with Raffia Mats.
Bi-monthly 26 issues.
Issue 1 A (small) hank of raffia in a cheerful colour and eight pages of glossy pictures of things made by 3rd generation experts, including the raffia Mona Lisle, a life-size raffia mat version of the Sphinx with light-up eyes, the Grand Canyon in raffia with a real river, a cute raffia kitten and raffia George Clooney with brushable (raffia) hair. Enticing pictures of next fortnight’s lump of raffia.
Issue 2 A (small) hank of raffia in a completely different cheerful colour. Illustrated history of raffia including: Raffia in Ancient Egypt, Ethelred the Unraffia, the Raffia Mafia and a beginner’s illustrated guide on how to hold raffia prior to winding (issue 6). Enticing art picture in soft focus of tastefully arranged raffia colour wheels.
Issue 3 A quite large hank of raffia in beige and a review of raffia throughout the known world. A four page spread of hula skirts and an in-depth interview with an Italian basket maker. Photo feature of pictures of photographs of places in raffia ffoto fframes. Tempting look forward to next issue; with limited-edition free raffia in a free plastic bag with a free colourful plastic bag tie.
Issue 4 Raffia by exclusion. A list of US presidents who had no dealings with raffia and an etching of George Washington holding what may have been a hank of raffia or may have been his wooden false teeth and a dissertation by a raffia scholar on the possible interpretations and historical ramifications. Free gift of organic GM raffia grown by a village in a third world country and bought in entirety by the publishing group, through Free trade bodies and offset against tax (see sister publication ‘Crops of the World’ in 12 parts).
Issue 5 The intelligencia issue. Quiz: So You Think You Know Raffia? Multiple choice raffia-based questions. Score: 20, you know your raffia! Reward yourself with the next issue, written for aficionados like you. 15-20, you know your raffia quite well, look forward to the next stunning issue. 10-15 you don’t know as much about raffia as you think you do, you need the next three issues. 5-10, don’t worry, fortnight by fortnight we will build your knowledge. 0-5 you need Brain Training with Raffia Mats! (Now where have we seen one of those?) Free gift, a colourful score card.
Issue 6 The practical skills issue. Free gift is a cardboard ring with a hole in the middle for raffia winding. Step-by-step picture feature ‘We teach you the skills’ raffia mat winding tutorial. Editorial ‘how to relax after mat winding’ and wine list. ‘Unwinding after winding’ advertisement feature for psychiatric services. Mini picture feature ‘Holidays to unwind in’ illustrated by the Editor’s holiday snaps of the Seychelles.
Issue 7 No, I’m sorry I’ve lost interest. So will you by now. Suffice it to say that the free gift (postage £108) with 25 tokens, one in each issue, form in issue 26, not announced till issue 25, is a gold plated raffia mat with a minute industrial diamond in the middle like a teeny weeny little bit of grey grit.
Let’s try another publication. Would you like a new hobby?
Famous Structures of the World made out of Matchsticks.
Weekly 52 issues.
Issue 1 Free gifts: a headless matchstick, a small piece of card, a glue dot. Tutorial: How to glue a matchstick to a piece of card, with hilarious pictures of how not to do it. Article ‘Safety with matchsticks’ and list of ten places not to poke them.
Issue 2 Free plans: Buckingham Palace in matchsticks. Picture feature: The Queen in matchsticks, A Horse in matchsticks, A Corgi in matchsticks, Another horse in matchsticks, a tourist in matchsticks, A Different horse in matchsticks, A Hoof.
Issue 3 The LS Lowry issue. Free gift: a piece of thread.
Issue 4 How to make convincing model railings from matchsticks and thread. Reader offer, cut price reel of cotton and half year subscription to Matchbox Builder, the Part Work.
Issue 4 The Taj Mahal in matchsticks. Picture feature, in-depth interview with the nerd who built the model. Hints and tips: how to build the Taj Mahal in matchsticks. True story: I built the Taj Mahal in matchsticks in only eight years three months six days. Agony aunt column focus: places to go when your wife chucks you out. Tutorial: How to rescue a partial matchstick Mahal from a rubbish skip.
Issue 5 Mrs Fincham’s kitchen extension and gazebo, rendered in matchsticks by her nephew (the editor). Recipe feature: nibbles on sticks. Gardening feature: how to use matchsticks to prop up ailing seedlings. Free gift: a seed.
Issue 6 No sorry, bored again. The gift with the last issue is a Faberge silver-gilt matchbox that plays a tune as the match is presented by a jewel-encrusted miniature elephant rising from the inside of a tiny circus tent carved from a lump of emerald inset wittily with revolving platinum clowns. The editor took the photographic sample ‘for polishing’ and can no longer be found at the YMCA.
Some folk find the prospect of skill acquisition daunting, for them the collecting part work was invented. There are always plenty of these to choose from; lets riffle through a few.
Collecting Collector’s Thimbles.
13 parts building month by month into a stunning collection of collector’s thimbles. Cunningly priced on a rising scale urging you to ‘complete your collection’, Part 1 costs 10p and comes with a free plastic ‘Collector Cabinet’. Part 13 costs £1000 but the hand carved thimble on offer will sell at auction only five years afterwards for ten times the price when the thimble carver unexpectedly wins the Turner prize with a giant sculpture ‘Hacked Thumb’ made of motorcycle tyres.
Collecting Fluff.
Trick here is to spot which issue does not come with replica free fluff from Hollywood Celebrity Homes, but the real deal, buy up the entire issue and make a killing on eBay.
Collecting Date Stamped Tins.
Very cunning bulk purchase from a supermarket chain and some nifty legal advice enables this part work, every one of which comes with a tin taped to the cover. Issue 5 ‘Industrial strength etching acid’ was withdrawn.
Collecting Collecting Part Works.
The magazine for Part Work collectors that builds month by month into a year. Issue 1 with cardboard container for sister publication Cardboard Magazine Racks that build month by month into a collection of magazine racks.