Kwiz nite.

As TV quiz shows grow ever dumber we eavesdrop on a pilot show that never got broadcast.

Theme tune (voice over sung by a former, desperate, ageing, pop star – the host. )

Curtain up!  Light a light!
It’s Friday at Nine
It’s Kwiz Nite!
All the answers
All the Qs
Now Toby it’s over to you!

Amid lukewarm applause, the host, Toby Famous, who was, slightly, thirty years ago, appears at the top of a flight of carefully shallow steps.  Sucking in his girdle and running a hand through his wig he flashes his tooth veneers and trots as energetically down the stairs as his reconditioned knees will allow.

Toby    Hello and welcome!  Friday Nite is Kwiz Nite!  I am your
            Kwiz Master!  There’s nobody faster!  Friday Nite is Kwiz
            Nite and it’s also the Nite when the lovely Shareela appears
            like a star in the firmament to help our lovely contestants be
            lovely……………. Shareela, ladiesngentlemen!

To rather more enthusiastic applause a tall willowy blonde with impossible teeth, legs and hair, clad in a magnificent evening gown with a diamante train, huge diamante earrings, and seven inch heels, slinks on to the set and stands, smiling radiantly, absorbing the applause.  Surely no human being can be this perfect?  She speaks .

Shareela  ’Elaow evereeboddy.

Immediately we understand that nature designed her to be a mannequin.

Toby       Hello Shareela!  My, you do look lovely, what is that you
               are wearing?

Shareela  A  neve ning gaawn, innit?

I take that back, a coat hanger.

Toby       Well, my dear it’s lovely, doesn’t she look lovely,

Slight applause.

Toby      Lovely.  (With a flourish) Could you fetch the contestants

Shareela stalks off, returning with a small group of people.

Toby       And who are our first contestants, please, Shareela?

Shareela  The Smiffs.

Toby       Let’s hear it for the Smiff family.

Shareela  Nah, the Smiffs.

Toby       Oh, sorry, the Smith family!

Shareela  That’s wotti sed.

Toby       The Smith Family ladiesngentlemen!

Lukewarm applause.

Toby        And our next contestants, please.

Shareela   The Brahn Family.

Toby        Welcome, welcome.

Shareela    Anner Green family, innit?

Toby         Applause, please Ladiesngentlemen!  Ay theng you. And
                 now, if you will, Shareela, the questions!

Shareela    ‘Ere y’are then.

She hands him a golden envelope.

Toby          Are these tonight’s questions?

Mr Brown  Yes!

Toby          A point to Mr Brown!

Mrs Smith  Is he allowed to answer like that?

Mr. Brown  Yes, I am.

Toby           Another point to Mr Brown!

Mr Green    Is that fair?  Have we started yet?

Mr Brown (Quickly) Yes and yes.

Toby          Two points to Mr Brown!

Miss Green How silly, you might as well ask what I had for 
                   lunch today.

Mr Brown (Guessing) Burger and chips.

Miss Green  No I didn’t, well, I did have chips.

Toby          Half a point to Mr Brown!

Mrs Green  This is ridiculous, are there no proper questions?

Mrs Smith (Very quickly, guessing) Yes.  There are?

Toby          Well done Mrs Smith.  One point.

Mrs Smith (Disappointed) Is that all I get?

Mr Brown    Yes it is!

Toby            One point.  Now for some questions from the golden

(He opens it with a flourish, hold it at arm’s length, squints and attempts to read.)

Mrs Green   Do you want to borrow my specs?

Mr Brown   Yes!  He does!

Toby           Two points.

Mrs Green   Is that fair?

Mr Brown   Yes!  It is!  Quite fair!

Toby           Three points!

(Mrs Green fishes in her handbag and hands Toby a pair of specs.  He puts them on upside down.)

Toby          Oh, are these the right way up?

Mr Brown (Joyfully)  NO!

Toby        One point.  Let me see (He turns the glasses the right 
                way up)
oh that’s better.  Now, where are the questions?

Mr Brown (Triumphantly) In your hand!

Toby       Exactly right and that’s twelve and a half points to Mr
               Brown as we go into the commercial break. Don’t leave 
               us because: (as he takes a deep breath, behind 
               him Mrs Green starts hitting Mr Brown with her 
               handbag, Miss Smith and Master Brown fall into a 
               passionate embrace, Mrs Smith and Mrs Brown 
               exchange recipes and young Master Green picks his
              nose and stares down the cleavage of Shareela who
              glowers as Toby sings:
Curtain up!
               Light the lights!
               It’s quarter past nine!
               It’s quiz nite!
               Now some things
               For you to buy
               We’ll be back with part two
               By and     Byeeeeee!   (waving furiously).

888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888 – predicting the horrible, not very distant future of television, if there isn’t something similar to this on a screen near you this weekend, I’ll be amazed.

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