As TV quiz shows grow ever dumber we eavesdrop on a pilot show that never got broadcast.
Theme tune (voice over sung by a former, desperate, ageing, pop star – the host. )
Curtain up! Light a light!
It’s Friday at Nine
It’s Kwiz Nite!
All the answers
All the Qs
Now Toby it’s over to you!
Amid lukewarm applause, the host, Toby Famous, who was, slightly, thirty years ago, appears at the top of a flight of carefully shallow steps. Sucking in his girdle and running a hand through his wig he flashes his tooth veneers and trots as energetically down the stairs as his reconditioned knees will allow.
Toby Hello and welcome! Friday Nite is Kwiz Nite! I am your
Kwiz Master! There’s nobody faster! Friday Nite is Kwiz
Nite and it’s also the Nite when the lovely Shareela appears
like a star in the firmament to help our lovely contestants be
lovely……………. Shareela, ladiesngentlemen!
To rather more enthusiastic applause a tall willowy blonde with impossible teeth, legs and hair, clad in a magnificent evening gown with a diamante train, huge diamante earrings, and seven inch heels, slinks on to the set and stands, smiling radiantly, absorbing the applause. Surely no human being can be this perfect? She speaks .
Shareela ’Elaow evereeboddy.
Immediately we understand that nature designed her to be a mannequin.
Toby Hello Shareela! My, you do look lovely, what is that you
Shareela A neve ning gaawn, innit?
I take that back, a coat hanger.
Toby Well, my dear it’s lovely, doesn’t she look lovely,
Toby Lovely. (With a flourish) Could you fetch the contestants
Shareela stalks off, returning with a small group of people.
Toby And who are our first contestants, please, Shareela?
Shareela The Smiffs.
Toby Let’s hear it for the Smiff family.
Shareela Nah, the Smiffs.
Toby Oh, sorry, the Smith family!
Shareela That’s wotti sed.
Toby The Smith Family ladiesngentlemen!
Toby And our next contestants, please.
Shareela The Brahn Family.
Toby Welcome, welcome.
Shareela Anner Green family, innit?
Toby Applause, please Ladiesngentlemen! Ay theng you. And
now, if you will, Shareela, the questions!
Shareela ‘Ere y’are then.
She hands him a golden envelope.
Toby Are these tonight’s questions?
Mr Brown Yes!
Toby A point to Mr Brown!
Mrs Smith Is he allowed to answer like that?
Mr. Brown Yes, I am.
Toby Another point to Mr Brown!
Mr Green Is that fair? Have we started yet?
Mr Brown (Quickly) Yes and yes.
Toby Two points to Mr Brown!
Miss Green How silly, you might as well ask what I had for
Mr Brown (Guessing) Burger and chips.
Miss Green No I didn’t, well, I did have chips.
Toby Half a point to Mr Brown!
Mrs Green This is ridiculous, are there no proper questions?
Mrs Smith (Very quickly, guessing) Yes. There are?
Toby Well done Mrs Smith. One point.
Mrs Smith (Disappointed) Is that all I get?
Mr Brown Yes it is!
Toby One point. Now for some questions from the golden
(He opens it with a flourish, hold it at arm’s length, squints and attempts to read.)
Mrs Green Do you want to borrow my specs?
Mr Brown Yes! He does!
Toby Two points.
Mrs Green Is that fair?
Mr Brown Yes! It is! Quite fair!
Toby Three points!
(Mrs Green fishes in her handbag and hands Toby a pair of specs. He puts them on upside down.)
Toby Oh, are these the right way up?
Mr Brown (Joyfully) NO!
Toby One point. Let me see (He turns the glasses the right
way up) oh that’s better. Now, where are the questions?
Mr Brown (Triumphantly) In your hand!
Toby Exactly right and that’s twelve and a half points to Mr
Brown as we go into the commercial break. Don’t leave
us because: (as he takes a deep breath, behind
him Mrs Green starts hitting Mr Brown with her
handbag, Miss Smith and Master Brown fall into a
passionate embrace, Mrs Smith and Mrs Brown
exchange recipes and young Master Green picks his
nose and stares down the cleavage of Shareela who
glowers as Toby sings:
Light the lights!
It’s quarter past nine!
It’s quiz nite!
Now some things
For you to buy
We’ll be back with part two
By and Byeeeeee! (waving furiously).
JaneLaverick.com – predicting the horrible, not very distant future of television, if there isn’t something similar to this on a screen near you this weekend, I’ll be amazed.